Any advice on or reassuring experience of starting reception?

[dinster]

I'm a long-time lurker but haven't posted here before and would be very grateful for any words of wisdom re starting school.

DD is down for School action plus with a view to seeing how that goes before pushing forward for a statement. Transition meeting was OK except for when I explained that she isn't toilet trained yet and was basically told that she would need to be. (We and nursery have and are trying but it's not really working - going through 3-8 changes of clothes daily.) I felt very judged.

She has multiple hormone deficiency (we are due to start growth hormone treatment but haven't got to it yet) and is currently just 84cm. We've just started medication for this. She has a GDD diagnosis with gross and fine motor skills about two years behind - we see OT and physio and are working on things; she's articulate in terms of vocabulary but her language can be inappropriate and she seems to have gaps in her basic understanding. Her play is 'behind' that of her peers too; she won't use people's names and isn't really interested in making friends. She isn't motivated by rewards or reprimands and despite lots of people telling me that she'll learn by copying her peers, she hasn't yet.

She's having a second observation by an EP at nursery today, but I don't know if it will help. I feel I've spent ages feeling that she'll just 'catch up' eventually but am now worried that she won't and I've downplayed her differences too much to other people. She's been assessed for autism but didn't meet the criteria.

In my anxiety I'm wondering whether it would be better to try to delay until January (she won't turn 5 till next year). I know the school want to help but instinctively I just don't feel she's ready... If anyone had any experience of anything similar or any advice, I'd be really grateful.

Sorry for the long description - I didn't want to drip information.

Hmm. She does not need to be toilet trained. They are going to have to implement a care plan for her, though. They cannot discriminate against her due to her disability. It would obviously be preferable for all concerned if she was independently toilet trained but if she's not capable, she isn't capable. I can see that they'll have to be careful to make sure she doesn't come in for teasing, but an age appropriate explanation for her classmates may help with that. I would be insisting on a care plan being agreed upfront. I have worked in a school with DC who weren't toilet trained and the school has to cope.

The only problem with starting later is if she is the only one. That would give her a double disadvantage, her developmental issues and having missed a term. A better solution would be to drop back a year permanently, but this would require a statement that specifies the need and most LAs are reluctant to do this.

It may be that she won't learn from her peers. My DS with ASD really doesn't learn much by osmosis, it all has to be specifically taught, but your DD may be different.

Hello, my DS (ASD) is also starting reception (though he will have a statement). Some of the school staff have tried to make out that toilet training is a big issue (even intimating that they might not be able to "meet his needs" if he wasn't toilet trained ), but I believe this is illegal as it discriminates against children who are not toilet trained due to disabilities. Even though he is pretty much trained now, I went to a meeting today where I was told that a school cannot insist a child is trained before they begin reception, so the people at your transition meeting had no right to say your dd would need to be or to be so judgy about it .

However, aside from that, it sounds as if you do not feel your dd is ready for school yet, so if you are able to delay till January maybe that would be better. At least it would give you time to push for a statement.

They are not allowed this attitude with regards to toilet training.

I have a similar, younger child and honestly I would not send him to school without a Statement - BUT he is also not aware of danger and I would be terrified for his safety.

Are you sure this is the right school for her? Did you look at others (forgive me if there are none that are possible for you).

Because EllenJane's first paragraph is spot on. She DOES NOT need to be toilet trained to access education, she is entitled to an education. And it is worrying that the school is starting off with such bullshit.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? Is the school suggesting you wait and see before going for a statement? If so, ask them exactly what they are waiting and expecting to see? Are they otherwise on the ball about how they are going to support her to engage w. the curriculum?

It's good they want to help but actions speak louder than words. They need to start by getting their facts right.

What about her going part time?
Many schools understand some children are not ready for fulltime school and let them go part time longer than other children.
She does not have to be toilet trained in fact you are entitled to put it as an educational need on her IEP for school to help teach her toilet training. How much 1:1 is school going to provide on action plus? They may be thinking she will need 1:1 to help with toileting and don't want to pay for that.
Half days would take off some of the pressure re toilet training.
Also I can assure you lots and lots of reception age children have accidents in school and its part and parcel of being a reception teacher to be dealing with wet pants all day.
But I would agree if the school are making negative noises now then maybe you should find somewhere else you feel more welcome.
Also worth finding out whether the help you get out of school e.g. physio / OT etc will stop when goes to school - often these services then only do school visits and you can end up feeling stranded at home, so that may alter your decision.
DS did not learn from his peers either (he has autism) we had to teach him to look at peers by getting him to copy one action eg clap hands and then rewarding him for getting it right eg getting a favourite toy to play with and now he earns tokens for free choice. It didn't just happen, we had to specifically teach him to watch and imitate.

Thanks so much for the kind and helpful replies. I don't think the school meant to be unhelpful and I think it's me being sensitive about the issue partly which is making me feel judged - I know I need to get a lot tougher! I feel we don't have a proper 'reason' for her not being trained yet - beyond the general development delay dx and that doesn't seem like enough somehow.

Yes, I think it's a wait-and-see re statement but you're quite right - I don't know exactly she would need to be doing/ not doing in order to get one. The Senco does seem on the case with providing support; we're going in again soon so maybe will get a clearer sense of how things will be.

I think she would be the only one starting late and don't want to disadvantage her socially.

Ellen my DD sounds like your DS with the way she learns in some ways. She doesn't seem to grasp things instinctively, it's all repetition and rote learning but I'm never sure how much she really understands.

I'll see what the EP reports and speak to nursery again. I fear I've had my head in the sand a bit.

Part-time might well be a good way if they were willing, just tricky to arrange for us. I'll give that some thought and ask. Thank you.