ASD coping with unfair punishments

[sansissu]

Fairly significant meltdown this evening when cub leaders punished the whole pack for general misbehaviour and DS is adamant he was not in the group of miscreants. They missed out on biscuits with their squash as punishment. This was a double whammy for DS as squash is always accompanied by biscuits and of course there was the injustice of punishing the group for the actions of a few individuals.the situation is likely to happen again but I don't know whether there is any way of avoiding the meltdown?

Does the cub leader understand your child's difficulties? To be honest, this is why DS never does mainstream stuff. I wouldn't send my statemented child to school without support as he wouldn't cope so I can't expect him to at a mainstream club where understanding, and capacity to support, is going to be even lower.

Why not have a talk with them and explain his diagnosis if you haven't already so at least they can maybe have a talk to him and reassure him that he is not in trouble but that sometimes this might happen if others are misbehaved. He is then, at least prepared. You could also ask them to give some warnings.

But to be frank, that group punishments are crap and lazy child management. I wouldn't accept that in school. They should be capable of identifying children who are misbehaving individually.

Is he generally happy there?

Thats a tough one. Ds has very rigid thinking about 'fairness' and 'routine' and that really was a double whammy for your ds. It sounds similar to something that could happen in school too, whole class punishments. (which to me means lazy teaching, if you cannot identify which children are being disruptive!)

However i suppose its something they do have to deal with. I try to teach ds that sometimes life isn't fair and that is ok, its not a big deal, a bit like losing, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Making 'mistakes' and getting things 'wrong' is also a real big deal for ds.

Firstly I have been modelling the behaviour, when things go 'wrong', its oh never mind, its no big deal.

We play lots of games and when ds or I lose 'oh never mind, good game, well played etc'

with lots of praise when ds models a more appropriate response, instead of a meltdown.

Maybe you tell/show him a more appropriate response, maybe some role play and then reward him, if he manages a more appropriate response? ie two biscuits and squash as soon as you get home or a packet of sweets or something desirable to him?

Sorry took so long to write my post, x-posted!

To be honest though Claw, dealing with things that don't go your way like losing a game is one thing, dealing with unfair punishments is another.

I am not sure what is the appropriate response to an unfair punishment or how you model that. I know when the the LA is unfair, I don't go 'oh well' and move on.

I think they need to think carefully about using punishments like this in the first place but to be fair, many parents, schools etc seem to think its ok - this is why school is not actually a good place for learning social skills, you wouldn't get this in the work place!!

So you'll need to tell them to warn him and assure him and you can tell him that this is how some people deal with situations where there are lots of kids and they are not in control. It is unfair, but it is nothing to do with him or what he has done. It has everything to do with grown ups not being in control.

I agree IE, I do think its lazy to not identify the individuals, however it happens and ds will meet people like this throughout his life and having a meltdown when something is unfair, regardless of the degree of unfairness isn't the way to go. I don't think its right, I just think its more about appropriate responses.

When the LA is unfair, I don't say 'oh well' and move on, but I don't have a meltdown either. I respond with an appropriate response.

I believe you cannot change other peoples behaviour, some things are out of your control, the only thing you can change is your reaction to the other persons behaviour.

In this case, I think it would be better to shrug your shoulders and have biscuits and squash when you get home. That's not to say that this will be the appropriate response every time something is unfair. Some things are worth the battle and some are not.

The ability to shrug his shoulders and say "oh well if it makes YOU feel better" has been hard won for DS, and he doesn't always manage it, but it does have the added bonus of driving the person who is being unfair a wee bit crazy .

However it's not all roses

• he'll then have a mahoosive meltdown at the school gate or as soon as we leave the relevant building though. (making all adults think its my poor parenting .) It's only on rare occasions he lasts till we get home and considering the last one left broken furniture/Mum learnt new swear words etc I'm not sure too much delayed reaction is a good thing

ps - we are working on the "if it makes YOU feel better" bit but tbh I'm not sure I'm ever likely to succeed this side of a blue moon. DS is very rules based and if it's unjust then in his eyes that's that iykwim.

I find with ds we have to do lots of some things are unjust or unfair in life and that is ok, it happens to everyone not just you, that's life otherwise he dwells on it and feels persecuted. We try to focus on move on and plan your next step. A kinda of life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Thanks all. We are going to try talking to him again this evening about it, although, like boc, the most serious part of the meltdown didn't kick in until we got home and tried to explain that sometimes life isn't fair and the adults were trying to make the naughty kids feel accountable to the others. He quite rightly pointed out that the naughty kids don't care if their behaviour means the others get punished (before smashing stuff in his bedroom). At the very least you have reassured me that I'm not missing something totally obvious and I'm not the rubbish parent i felt like as I left cubs last night. I just hope that as he gets older he can learn to shrug it off in the way you've suggested boc, we'll work on that.