Advice about visiting ex partner please

[claw2]

Ds had not seen his dad for almost 3 years, since we split up. His dad was very bitter when we split. Its a long story, so I will keep it brief.

Anyhow fast forward 3 years and a few months ago ds began to ask about his dad and whether he could see him. I contacted his dad and we began to gradually introduce ds to him again.

His dad wasn't very reliable and would say he was coming, then just not turn up etc. I had words with him about making an effort and being reliable etc and things have improved. However ds is saying he doesn't want to go to his dads house.

Friday was the first day that ds went to stay at his dads house for one night. His dad has a girlfriend and they live together with her 9 year old son. Ds didn't want to go. He went with some bribery of McDonalds.

He has come back with head lice (not a big deal to me, but a big deal to ds) he tells me the 9 year old 'wasn't very nice' to him, apparently he threw a sweet in ds face and threw a tennis ball at him.

He tells me he was allowed to play out in the street and went in a lift in a block of flats, the children were swearing and trying to get the lift stuck. The other children were throwing people's rubbish about and got told off. Playing hide and seek, the other boy was holding him so that he had to be 'it' all the time. Ds is horrified, that the boys were doing things they shouldn't be doing and not following the 'rules'

He also says that during his sleep over, the other boy persuaded him to go with to kitchen and get Jaffa cakes, while his dad and his girlfriend were asleep and then blamed ds for doing it when discovered next day and ds got told off.

Ds often misinterprets social situations and is finding it all very confusing, it may well have been a game of throwing the ball or sweets etc. However ds is not 'street wise' and has never 'played' in the street. He has no stranger danger.

I feel like I am constantly having to have words with his dad and eventually his dad isn't going to want to see him. His dad's attitude will be 'oh well, boys will be boys'

Am I being over protective?

nope.

His Dad needs to pop on his big boy pants and man up for his son. He went to see his Dad, not play in the street with a bunch of strangers. If his Dad isn't prepared to take him to the park and SUPERVISE, then he's best seeing his son at yours, where you can be the grown up.

In a similar situation, and the above sums up my own conclusions.

If you are a nicer person than me, then perhaps your DS can take along his DS next time to play on indoors while the other lad plays out. A good book (or audio story?) is another option.

No you are not in answer to your last question.

Feel sorry for your son actually, his Dad still continues to let him down all these years later and his now stepson sounds horrible as well to your boy.

I would actually start formalising all access arrangements through the courts via a contact centre.

Attila this is what I tried to do 3 years ago, I went to a solicitor and they wrote telling ds's dad to make formal arrangements through a court. He didn't. At that time ds's dad was very bitter towards me.

3 years down the line, when ds started to ask questions about his dad and whether his dad loved him etc, etc. I decided to give him a second chance for ds's sake, thinking after 3 years the bitterness would be gone.

The first few months of contact were done at my home, gradually going to his dad taking him out for short periods, then to a day spent at his house bringing him back in the evening.

Its the going to his dad's house that ds doesn't want to do. When I suggested going back a step to coming here again, this is when his dad didn't turn up. I have words with him about being consistent and making an effort and he said it wouldn't happen again.

We built up to ds going there again. Friday took a lot of persuading to get ds to go and I had to be very firm with him. I got ds's dad to tell him exactly what they would do when he went there. Which was go to McDonalds, then play x-box and on Saturday go to the park and then home.

Then last night he tells me why he doesn't want to go and why. Ds has said he doesn't want to play in the street, he didn't go to McDonalds or to the park and told me exactly what he did do instead.

I now feel I have made a mistake by starting access again.

He might be sensible to dislike being at his dad's. It sounds chaotic.

Any sensible ex-in-laws? Could he see his dad at one of their houses?
Or could you sign him up for some sort of structured activity that is near his dad's house or work.... cubs / football / karate etc. It means you're paying for it and being the taxi service, but keeps a bit of contact (hopefully) with less chance of being crushed by dad letting him down.

Supervised contact via court order is often more hassle than it's worth.

Thanks mumudelulu, that is exactly what it is chaotic and ex just doesn't seem to 'get it'.

We have tried activities previously, cubs, martial arts etc and ds is not interested, that would be a chore for ds.

Nan is a lovely woman and makes a big fuss of ds and is always playing with him. My ex was living there, when contact started. Although now he has his own place, it seems ds is just expected to fit in around my ex and do what is convenient to him.

Ds really doesn't like the other boy and doesn't want to go there if this boy is there. Ds really struggles with social interaction and really needs interaction to be supervised to be able to tolerate it or not misinterpret it.

Even if ds has 'friends' home or we have people round, he can only tolerate a couple of hours, before he wants to get away. So he needs to be able to get away too, which he cannot do as he is sharing a room with the other boy.

A chore might be better than chaos though. But given the courts haven't taken a view about contact, I'd be tempted to up contact with nan, and let his dad pop in and out of that. Or not.

Thanks Pipin, I wouldn't let ds play outside even for a short period unsupervised and we live in very quiet little road. His awareness of quiet little roads, isn't too bad, however it is limited, especially when excited. For example collecting ds from school one day, another boy started to chase him and play 'it' and ds ran straight into the road.

He has no stranger danger whatsoever and would go off with anyone. Other children pick up on his vulnerability immediately and he is often bullied, even when supervised.

From what ds has said I can see low level bullying happening already with the other boy. Apparently ds told his dad that the other boy threw a sweet in his face and his dads response was 'oh everyone falls out sometimes'. Even ds was able to say that his dad 'didn't deal with it' or tell the boy not to do it or say sorry and he is 9!

I am just undecided about whether to try and make other arrangements for contact, which would have to be my ex having contact here, but it seems a bit pointless if it can never develop past that.

Ds at the moment could take or leave his dad, but I don't want to be in the same position again in 3 years time or ds being upset about where his dad is and if he loves him etc, etc.

Its difficult with ds as he has very limited interests, he doesn't like football (poor motor skills) and has a water phobia. I have enough difficulty getting ds to do things he doesn't like, let alone someone who ds doesn't trust. So activities, apart from the going to the park, ds would find difficult and then wouldn't want to go to with his dad even more.

I think my ex just has difficult, like most other people with a limited knowledge or understanding of ASD seeing ds's difficulties and vulnerabilities. He comes across as very high functioning and hides his difficulties very well, on meeting ds for the first time, you would probably just think he is a bit quirky. My ex is treating him just like any other 9 year old. In his defence, I suppose he hasn't seen ds in 3 years.

However, I did give him copies of all recent reports etc to read. My ex doesn't have any difficulties, apart from lazy parenting I would say.

He keeps telling me what a lovely quiet little boy his girlfriends boy is (although he doesn't sound 'lovely' or 'quiet'!) He could well be a very nice little boy, but the fact is ds struggles severely with social interactions, even with very nice, quiet little boys and he needs supervision.

I would say that even when ex visits ds at home, its like he has no interest in ds or anything he does. He spends most of his time in the garden smoking. Its like he has no get up and go.

For example ds went upstairs to play x-box and I encouraged his dad to go up to his room and play with him. Ds does dominate the conversation and the playing and only wants to talk about what he wants to talk about and show you what he wants to show. My ex was telling him how boring he found it.

Another time I organised a cake making activity he could do with ds, a packet of Moshi Monster cakes, just read the instructions, really simple and I ended up doing most of it with ds.

I know that ds can be extremely 'boring' but make the bloody effort for god sake.