I'm broken...please can I get some honks?

[crazeelaydee]

I have just been enjoying a nice relaxing sunday afternoon, my younger brother came in and started to make comments about me not being on my laptop (I laughed along because when my Dc are at school I do turn into a hermit and surf, surf, surf). So we started a convo as to why I was always on the laptop...e.g, writing a letter for statutory assessment for Ds 8 (AS), looking for strategies to help him/us as a family, filling out a DLA form etc etc.

He means well does my brother (in some ways very similar to my Ds) he wants to help but just gets baffled with anything I say. He made 2 comments which just stabbed me through the heart any other time I would just let it ride over because he lives in his own little bubble......now I can't see the dam keyboard for tears!!

I should allow my Ds to get out there and socialize otherwise he will never learn, and stop watching over him all the time
What will it be like when he is 16/17 mum wont be around then to look after him .......one day he will just decide like any other Dc it, I'm off to do my own thing see ya mum

Didn't know who else to talk too really, it sounds so dramatic but my heart is actually aching

Well my autistic son IS 16... and I am still very much around and looking after him..(and the paperwork increases as they transition to adult services:( )..no reason why you shouldn't be around.

And if your son does say'see ya I'm off to do my own thing' then yahoooo..he will have achieved something wonderful! But that's another 8 years away....

Well clearly your brother has zero understanding of the complexities of your situation and so I think it's worth ignoring his advice! Smile and nod etc.

Does he live with you? Can you get a more sensible family member to have a word with him about how his 'advice' has made you feel?

And have a HONK as you sound like you're doing a great job.

Honk!
Family members used to say the same to me. Now (Ds is 13) I think people can see better that he did need those extra years of step by step support. I think its one of those chicken and egg conundrums. Parents automatically tune into their child's needs and try to give enough support to gradually gain skills and confidence at the right rate for them, but others cannot always see what signals are given off and get things the wrong way around.
Honk!

My DS is 15 (with AS), and I?m still there when he needs me, and I?m in the background when he doesn?t. DS is away on a school trip right now, and his ability to do that is partly because of his own development and partly because of all the support that we have organised for him over the last 10 years.

Whatever will be within your DS?s ability and ambitions, you are helping him achieve it. You are bringing the help to him right now that will enable his future. We can never do it all for them but we can give our kids the support and confidence they need, at whatever pace our kids can manage. What parent could do more?

and HONKS for you!

Thanks everyone. My brother has actually been the one who has asked all the questions throughout the diagnosis process and when everything turned sour with Ds's school, But what he said today just summed up what he (and probably all of my old fashioned family) really think. That I am molly codling my Ds and actually making him this way when in reality I am trying to help him. Oh well I will make tea, and have a glass of wine tomorrows another day.

If he has been as interested as you say then perhaps he is concerned about the way it eats up YOUR life and thinks you should take your foot off the pedal. Perhaps he's seen achievements that make him positive about the future. Perhaps he himself has 'accepted' in a way that you never will that your ds has developed as much as he can.

But he won't have the FEAR of this that you do, nor the inability to take that risk, nor the determination to make it a priority.

It's a bit like when friends have said to me 'You need to have a hobby/job/life that isn't centred around your ds'. Well yes, but unless they are going to take over I can't give up regardless of whether it is good for me or not.

I doubt it was criticism, just another perspective. He has that luxury. You do not.

I know how painful it can be to feel criticised by a sibling in particular. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps it's coz you want their support so much, or it harks back to sibling rivalry, but I've found it harder and more hurtful when siblings have had a go, more so than any friend. And then, when it's about your parenting or your child....ouch I sympathise- it really, really hurts. Having learnt the hard way, I'd advise you to broach the subject, acknowledging his good intentions, but explaining how hurtful and unhelpful it is. Maybe start with something like 'I totally get that you're trying to help, but...'. I didn't do that once when I really should have and I regretted it as I allowed it to fester and I became extremely unhappy.

honk honk from me. dh and i heard bil over their baby alarm say that ds needed to learn some manners. was funny because of the circumstances but he often says thoughtless things and it does hurt

Honk and (((((((((((((((((crazeelaydee))))))))))))))))

Honk - your son is only 8 ! Even when he is 16 or 56 you will still be there for him

Hey everyone, thanks again for the replies I've stopped crying into my cornflakes now . Starlight now you have said that maybe he was trying to get at that and just happened to catch me when I was feeling a little oversensitive, I'm sure he meant well.

I felt for him many times because he was the one asking so many questions, while everyone else took a wide berth and I answered them (at the same time baffled the crap out of him) and you could just see the confusion on his face.

I think I ended the conversation with "that's not the way Ds's mind works" which was just met with a blank stare. Just felt as though he was saying I was making Ds fit with what was on the internet...when in reality I am reading about Ds's difficutlies....in the hope that at 16/17 he will tell me to cart off!

Anyways tune in next week, for the next installment of crazeelaydee's (miniscule) drama's!!!

Honk honk