WWYD re friends - mean pre Dx now trying to be helpful

[canadawater]

As DS's development was falling behind the other DC from a longstanding friendship circle, one friend in particular was a bit rude and basically excluded us from a group activity that we had all planned together by just not including us when she finalised the plans
The given reason when we found out afterwards was that our DS could not keep up with hers physically but she hoped by next year he would have caught up

I think the group thought I was being really PFB with him not allowing him to do stuff, being careful when choosing childcare etc

Now post Dx she has texted to ask how things are but I can't quite see her in the same light, is this over sensitive given that she didn't realise we were heading towards diagnosis?

I don't think you are being oversensitive at all. She was not a good friend pre DX so why would she be one post DX? I bet someone has said something to her about it all....making her feel that others may judge her in a bad light.

It depends how magnanimous you feel and whether you will be able to indulge in social activities with her knowing the way she was....some people can forget and see others as a good person in the main whilst other can only remember the hurt.

Will being friends with her affect your and DS life in a positive way? What will change if you text her back and become friends?

Is she just texting to poke about for more information re your DS diagnosis?

Personally I think I'd let the friendship..such as it was go. No drama, just don't text back.

There are going to be a lot of people on your journey with a child who has SN. Some will be amazing, others will not and life is too short to wade through the less helpful ones...
My DS2 is 16 now and along the way I have lost some friends (like yours) but gained many many more wonderful, inclusive ones!

Trouble is it's a big friendship circle
We will have to stay acquaintances because of that - just too many other connections
But I don't think I can really be close any more as I feel an inner prejudice & judgemental side was revealed inadvertently

I can see what Medusa is saying
One family who have both it turns out worked with kids with SN have been so lovely - they are just wonderful non judgemental unphased supportive

Thanks for messages and validating my feelings

She might feel guilty now about being such a cow earlier, but you don?t owe her anything.

Maybe keep her on the very edge of your friendship circle from now on? You could answer the text in a vague/neutral/not unfriendly way without sharing anything personal? something like, ?things are settling down now, we?re all well (if you are!), thanks for asking.?

Just don't reply if you don't feel like it.

to exclude you and DS from an activity because of his SN is nothing a real friend would do.

I found that having a child with SN has weeded out a lot if 'friends' I thought I had - but I have found new friends along the way.

She excluded your DS from an activity because your DS could not keep up with hers? Special needs or not she sounds like not a very nice person I would wave her bye bye.

Thanks all
I wish I could wave bye bye (y'all are right!) but it's complicated cos of group dynamics.
I think she realises it wasn't very nice and realises she screwed up a bit
I will keep her on the edge as far as I can, be polite but slightly distant and yes she is .... limited, that kinda puts it into context and is a good way of looking at things

she excluded your ds because she didn't think he was forward enough

I believe, even if this were true, that the socially acceptable way to address this is to invite everyone anyway and leave it up to the PARENTS to judge the suitability of the activity for their child.

FFS.

She was very foolish, thoughtless, and clumsy, and her actions were very hurtful. You may not have the energy to compensate for her future errors.
If its a shared friendship group, perhaps a trusted friend could tell her this.

That said, some fools get wiser, or at least act on advice offered to them, and its probably worth tolerating those who are trying to be better people.

I wouldn't reply because I would be too angry, but if I had to then I would just reply 'fine' or 'fine thanks' & leave it at that. You do lose friends on the way & she doesn't sound worth keeping (I do get what you mean about a wider group, but anyone decent within that group will have spotted how dreadful she was)

I will add that now more than a decade post dx I have found that people either get it or they don't & people pretty much get one chance with us, I don't have the energy to invest in people who need handholding to cope with disability in their airspace. So my tolerance for this type of 'friend' is somewhere around zero! The advantage of this is that you do end up with a great bunch of friends who you know won't piss off at the first sign of difficulty.

Yep, SN is a marvellous tool for clearing the deadwood out of your life.

Thanks all
I think I'll try to do a combo of everything you have all said
Have just started reading a book called "Shut up about your perfect kid" which I saw recommended on here which is also proving helpful!!