Discipline advice for (suspected) autistic and/or SPD child

[tigersmummy]

Just that really. DS has recently ( last 5-6 weeks excluding half term where he was an absolute angel) regressed in his behaviour. Bedtimes, whereas before we're straight forward, are now a battle ground of him constantly finding excuses to come downstairs and have drink/banana/tell me something vital/have a wee etc. last nights particular gem was him calling us in tears because the magazine he shouldn't have been reading in bed had ripped. He is angry, aggressive, rude, defiant etc etc and its getting me down. Our new tactic having sought advice is to ignore bad behaviour and praise good. But what would you do if you need him to get his shoes on for school and he's growling/blowing raspberries (the latter of which he never does, we've always had zero tolerance for that). Consequences have been out aside as that seems to fuel his anger. But how do you discipline if you're going along the 'ignore the bad behaviour' line?

Thanks for your reply. He is 5 so coming to the end of his reception year. There has been change recently at school - new children coming to look round school which they didn't warn us about and DS didn't cope well. Sports day (which I kept him off for as he wouldn't have been given the support). Year 6 buddies shortly leaving. Yes there is a lot of change but the change in happened before all this. The only thing I can put it down to is a friend of his was off for 8 school days (which is yonks in a child's mind). I thought he was under the weather as occasionally he complains about it hurting when he wees (he's also been having a few accidents which his chiropractor put down to his 'boy bone' being out, so no doubt a playground incident!) but doctor said his sample was clear. His ears are full of wax and won't clear enough for him to be referred back for hearing test - I could have cried when they told me that on Monday - so I'm going to make an appointment with the female doctor as being a mum herself hopefully she will have more empathy.

But ruling all these things out, how do you discipline?

I think all kids go through these phases to a certain extent. Their needs change and it can take a good while to settle down again. Obv with ASD/SPD there is always an added dimension. So I would examine all the usual suspects as per zzzzz and Polter's suggestions.

what about telling him something like I need you to put your shoes on and I know you can do it by the count of ten I count and you do it. What work with my daughter is I normally tell her I know how good you are at listening and you are such a good girl that you will listen to mummy and get your coat and shoes on and when she does it we high five and I normally say what a super girl you are wow. Worth a try.

Thanks everyone - yes I fully intend to pin them down re the niggles I have. Monday I was feeling particularly low and didn't even mention why I thought he was unwell, I was just ushered out and that was that. Anyway tonight has gone very well. He has had his computer as his reward for getting 5 stickers (rewards and stickers do serve their purpose still), had a story, had 5 mins play time then half an hour reading in bed. In that time he's also had a wee, a banana, got a drink by his side etc. just been up to turn lights out, had a chat about how he's felt today (blue plastics spoons with various expressions on, works wonders) and he was happy for me to leave him without the usual 'I've got to tell you something'. He's murmuring quietly now but calm reigns - so far!!! Thank you everyone

Haha literally posted and he started crying for me! We've compromised with a spotlight on in the corner of the room rather than the main light.

Not to the taste of everyone, but I do basically use a reward-system (or positive-reinforcement). The key is being consistent (ie if you say no, you hav to be prepared to follow it through) - it will help him in the long run to know where the boundaries are.

Also if you're going to give a reward, offer it before any unwanted behaviour, as if the scenario is his tantrum, then reward, he'll learn that the 'tantrum' was the thing that got his reward, not doing what you'd asked.

'Consequences'' and discipline doesn't have to mean punishments; eg a consequence of him not putting his shoes on when ask is that you just sit it out and wait (saying nothing, no attention for him,but likewise nothing negative either). Just keep on massively praising and rewarding him whenever he does what you ask.

Thanks all, he keeps saying it hurts when he wees and is clearly in discomfort when he does go. I tried to take a look at his willy but he wouldn't let me so I suspect that is an issue. Will speak to the doctor on Weds. And just to clarify, I certainly did not ask the chiropractor her advice on his genitals he is receiving regular treatment for, amongst other things, an unaligned pelvis and she asked if he had been having accidents as she could tell that area was 'out'.

Perhaps a picture or written timetable of the steps of bedtime? I have a very similar sounding ds (6) who always complsined of hunger or thirst after hecwas in bed, and a little dd age 3 with ASD. He has thrived on a written list of bedtime routine in the past. She has a picture timetable but takes ages to settle and wind down. I put in a supper time every night and this has helped both of them. He kicks off if challenged or told off. I have round it helps if he knows in advance what will happen.

Polter you mention praise almost has a negative effect on your DC. Recently DS has been saying 'I'm not a good boy' if he's praised and also saying 'don't look at me' (he was also going into the classroom with his bag in front of his face so the other children couldn't look at him). Self esteem issues?

Strikeup I like your suggestions, you say DS kicks off if challenged; how do you get round that? If DS says no to getting dressed for school or bedtime and messes around under the duvet how do you get round that?

Zzzzz I'm off to get new school trousers and some new pants later, to see if that can help. I feel at the end of my tether although part of that is lack of recent sleep between DS recently bedtime/nighttime upsets and 8 month dd.

He had a turbulent day at school yesterday, kept raising his hands a if to hit other children, although thankfully he didn't, and even did the same to his teacher who said she was shocked as it was the first time she had seen it from him. Apparently he realised what he had done and apologised straight away.

Also DS is having an assessment in sept for suspected autism and/or SPD. What happens when he is assessed? Will he be given XYZ diagnosis and that's it or what else happens? What does a diagnosis actually do and how can it help the situation?

I would also look into the sensory side of things. Have you worked out what his issues are?
My ds needs proprioceptive input so we give him lots of full body hugs and he has a weighted blanket to help him settle at night.

Hi pop, I have been convinced of SPD for a few months so recently got a lap pad which he uses when he's sitting on the sofa watching tv. We've not used it too much elsewhere as he's not 100% about it yet. His clapping and banging (himself) has increased so I bought him some fidget toys which he likes but he views them as toys as lines them up/puts them in bed rather than use them as aides. What are full body hugs? Thought about a weighted blanket but they are expensive and I wanted to try the lap pad first. I haven't suggested he use it at school as these things have a tendency not to be used or go missing and he didn't want to sit on a cushion as it set him apart from the others so I doubt whether a lap pad would be good in that environment. The SALT recommended the TA spending time with him 1:1 with help from other children 5-10 mins 3 or 4 times a week back in March yet when I asked whether this was happening about a month ago, the teacher said it was difficult because they wanted to include him in group activities to help his social skills and also admitted that they needed the SALT to come back in and give them more tips. Yet they haven't sorted this out and it definitely won't happen before the end of term. The school have been good, it was their suggestion a few weeks in to get the ed psych involved and they say all the right things, but schools are busy places with limited time and resources so not everything promised is delivered.

Year 1 is approaching but because its a small school with split years and a small reception intake this year, half the class will remain in the same classroom yet be in year 1 whilst others will move classroom and be in a more formal setting. We are fine (and hoping) with DS staying where he is but no confirmation has been given yet, and when dh spoke to he teacher yesterday she was obviously frustrated with being unable to prepare the children with only weeks left. It won't only be DS that needs support with the transition. She said when he's doing his own thing in free play he's fine but now they're trying to encourage more formal work for year 1 he's defiant to the change. I'm just hoping its the change and transition that's proving difficult for him and that when in year 1 he will settle into the more structured work. Sorry for long reply, am so up in the air with it all.