What our my options re work and a special needs child

[Tittytats]

I have just walked through the door after a 12 hour day. Dd has given my mum absolute hell today. All day.
She can't take dealing with her anymore.

I really don't know what to do. If I give up work what will happen? Ideally i should give her more attention, then she would maybe feel more secure and not be so angry all the time.

I'm at the end of my tether, my mum has left in tears, I'm being torn in all directions.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, I'm failing my children through all this stress all I do is shout and be aggressive through stress of the behaviour.

I'm lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my two, so can't give you any practical advice regarding juggling work and a child with SN, but I will say this:

Never, ever beat yourself up for wanting to be a good mum and wanting to provide for your children.

Which do you think is the crux of the problem - your mum struggling to manage your DD's behaviour (ie in need of strategies that work) or your DD having too much behaviour for your mum to manage (ie just plain exhausting)? Do you and your mum deal with her in a consistent manner and swap notes, or do you each apply your own style?

My mum carries out same strategies that I do, ignoring the behaviour, taking away use of the xbox but her behaviour is relentless. However, I explode and shout. My mum doesn't.

She keeps telling my mum she is not in charge - she will only listen to older ds who is ten so now my mum is basically asking ds to tell her to get up and dressed etc.

i am a single mum, i claim housing benefit but the bare minimum as i earn ok money. I keep thiking i should just jack it in and spend my time looking after her and think about my job later. but then where would i be finanically ? I don't want to keep asking the government for help. it was my 'ambition' since my partner left to earn enough money not to rely on the state and get a mortgage. Her behaviour leads me to believe I should jack my job in and look for something locally before it gets too out of control.

I don't know the back story, sorry. Would you not have similar moments with working and DC anyways (at least that's what I try to tell myself! )

There's a DC with ASD at school who has an ex-teacher as a nanny - she's very good with him: but he's still 'on duty' with her in the way that my ASD DS is at school and around other people. I don't know if this makes it bad when he gets to 'let go' or not.

Does your mum have her own way of doing things?

She has ADHD possible dyspraxia and is really defiant. All the time.

I take her toys away and I ignore her, my mum does the same but she just gets so angry at her.

I have a nanny as well in wondering whether to keep her for three days rather than the two but then it's a massive commitment money wise.

You can apply for DLA if you have not already. Cerebra do a really good guide aimed at autism / neurological problems but has lots of good ideas for any disability. If you get middle or high rate care (£51-77 per week)under DLA you can also get carers allowance which is about £60 per week. DLA does not count as your income so would not affect housing benefit. Carers allowance does count as income but you can earn £100 per week after tax, NI and childcare costs on top of carers allowance so if your childcare costs are high then that can be a not insignificant gross wage. You also get tax credits and can get extra for a disabled child. If you were eligible that might make the work / not work choice easier. I took some time out on carers when things were tough when ds was small.

If you have a carer charity they can help you fill out the forms.

Another option is to ask the council to do an assessment of your child as a disabled child and you as a carer. If you are assessed as having a need eg for a break from caring / to help you stay in work, you can get direct payments. You can then use these for extra childcare etc. But its not easy to get more than a few hours a week for a young child especially if they think you have family help for free. The council is obliged to meet assessed care needs for the child and can provide help to a carer, but are not (yet) legally obliged to help the carer although they get alot of funding for 'short breaks' they should use. Councils also have a duty to make sure there are childcare options for disabled children locally - but in my experience they don't, still you can quote the Childcare Act at them.

You also have rights to parental leave / apply for flexible working if thats at all possible.

Carers UK and Contact a Family are good websites to look at.

You can also ask social services about advice to perhaps create a safe space or room in the house where your daughter can go to cool down and where you know cannot injure herself etc / when a carer needs a break.

May be worth getting your Mum and the nanny to do a supporting statement for DLA to explain the difficulties as can be difficult to get for 'invisible' disabilities.

Are you getting any advice or support for the ADHD / dyspraxia eg portage? behaviour support team?

How well does she reposnd to bribery rewards for positive behaviour?

Also, I'm guessing she is in the early stages of puberty, given her age. If she's on any medication for ADHD, has that been reviewed, recently? We were tearing our hair out with DS1, earlier in the year, as he was back to the sort of exasperating impulsive behaviour we hadn't seen in the 3 years since pre-ADHD diagnosis. It turned out he'd grown over an inch and gained half a stone in just 3 months.

Apologies - I misread that she was 12!

I get middle care rate so all in all works out about £290 a month. I thought if you didn't work then you didn't get tax credits?

I will make an appt with the council and cab and see what advice they can give. At the end of my tether really.

She's 7!

I've never heard of portage? What is that? I'm not getting any help at all.

Portage is usually for pre-preschool, so she's too old for that! (We'll get it right, eventually)

You can't get working tax credits if you don't work, but iirc, you can get child tax credits. For now.

I'm thinking 7 is a difficult age. DS1 (ASD/ADHD) really got The Rage at that age and DS2 (ASD, non-verbal) is 7 and pretty challenging, at the moment, after having always seemed so easy going compared to his brother.