Dreading the weekend

[KOKOagainandagain]

DS1 (12) has just started boarding at OCC ss and all seems to be going well.

The problem is when he comes home. Not so much with me or DH but with DS2 (7).

DS2 has 'blossomed' since DS1 started boarding and says that he much prefers it when DS1 is not here

Last weekend was a nightmare. DS1 said to DH 'I never thought that I would say this but it turns out that you are the only one that likes me'

DS1 wants to immediately re-establish total and absolute control (not surprisingly) but DS2 does not like being ordered around and being absolutely powerless. So DS2 wants to play on Minecraft but DS1 does not want him to, DS1 takes over control of the computer and starts doing things in DS1's world that DS1 does not want him to do. When DS2 does not do what DS1 wants then DS2 will amuse himself by winding DS2 up - constant critical commentary, constantly calling him bumhead or Mr Poo or stressy pants until he loses his temper and physically attacks him.

When DS2 is upset at 7.30 on a Saturday morning you know its going to be a hard day. Things break down if I am out of the room for longer than a couple of minutes. I can't send DS1 anywhere or make him stay anywhere, if DS2 sticks with me, DS1 will closely follow him and copy all his actions/words.

I seem to have lost my extreme parenting powers over-night and actually asked him plaintively 'can't you see when people have had enough?' Well, duh, no.

I know that DS1 is having a difficult time atm but he is still being a monumental pita.

At the same time, I feel huge guilt over neglecting DS2 and I feel half-bereaved because DS1 has 'left home'.

Last weekend DH took them out for a bike ride - nightmare before they left but once in public DS1 becomes ultra-compliant and he and DS2 get on well together. Trouble is, by that time I had done a mornings policing and desperately needed a break and so I stayed home. So I get the crap time at home and not the good times.

DS1 goes back to school, I think 'thank god' but then feel terrible all week that I can't spend good time with him. He has been off school since Sept so I we have got used to hanging out. I miss him. I look forward to seeing him. But when he comes home it all goes wrong and he is gone again before I can fix it.

We are planning whole family activities this weekend but still need strategies for how to get through time at home.

Any advice gratefully received.

Could you agree a timetable for computer time? Can you have an activity for just you and ds1 to catch up?

I feel your pain on the computer front and will watch this thread with interest - battles with my ds (hfa) centre round computer and games console - especially the latter, would quite happily throw the thing in the bin, the amount of angst it causes.

The problem is made worse by the fact that DS1 tries to argue that since he is only home for the weekend this means that he gets to choose everything so my timetable does not get a look in because he is trying to impose his timetable on DS2 which is basically do what I say - no computer, no PS3, no Ipod etc.

I can spend time alone with DS1 so that DS2 gets a chance to do what he wants and then all is calm. If after 30 minutes I leave the room to make a cup of tea all hell breaks loose. I can't leave them alone together for any time at all. Other times DS1 is oblivious to my attempts to stop the behaviour,will continue in my presence and DS2 and I end up retreating to mum and dads room until he calms down.

I do not understand why DS1 seems to want to provoke DS2 so much that he attacks him

I am a bit tentative about posting because I am really very inexperienced with all this, but I think poltergoose has it. My ds1 who is 6 and has ADHD and prob autism and ds2 who is 2 fight all the time. Mainly due to ds1 IMO needing physical contact with ds2 (or whoever is handy!).

like yours though, they are at different stages really and need different things. What works best for us is doing things with them separately.

I hope it gets easier, it sounds very very hard on you.

DH has been to see the local autism support. We were advised to structure the weekend as much as possible to ease the transition for him as he is moving from a highly structured environment when coming back home. Go back a few steps, reintroduce visual timetables etc.

I hope you are not right Polter but I fear that you are . I like to think that DS1 and DS2 love each other but today I watched a vid on an old mobile taken by DS1 of him winding up DS2. It was like watching one of those horrible utube videos of teenagers provoking someone who has ASD to meltdown - but DS1 has ASD, he has meltdowns - why would he do that?

Should I show DS1 the video I found and give DS2 a chance to say how he feels? I realise that this is not change DS1's behaviour but it might show DS1 that I care and that his feelings matter. It upset me that DS2 never sought my assistance but when he finally attacked and the picture went black I heard DS1 say 'you have broken my phone - I'm telling - Mum!'

Sunday afternoons I spend time with him alone catching up on Home and Away cuddled on the sofa. He would not be in a fit state to get in the taxi when it came at teatime if we had the only family activity on Sunday afternoon.

It's jealousy compounded by ASD rigid thinking.
Ds2 is home, he's not. This is unfair. So to make it fair, Ds2 must suffer / die / pay / whatever.
Relay parenting is probably your only safe short-term option, unless there are grandparents who can take ds2.

It may not be forever though. And as the asd service said, there's the big change every weekend for him as well.

In a term or so, you'll probably be able to gradually introduce some highly reinforcing shared activities, and then, all being well, start to work towards something more like family life

Could you afford to buy another computer? A bit drastic I know. Or can you draw up a timetable with the pc that gives ds1 more time at the weekend with ds2 to be compensated with more time in the week.

Otherwise divide and rule is a good option. I know it is harder work on you and their dad as you get no down time but hopefully once ds1 is a bit more established at boarding school they will both calm down.

Sibling relationships tend to go through phases. It is very likely that they will get on again in the future. For now though, it sounds like separate activities are the way to go.

We had already had to buy separate laptops and ipods for them - sharing was NOT an option - but, even worse, the computer in question is mine, my work computer (well, PhD).

There used to be a strict separation between my computer and theirs but since we sold up and rented in the sticks with fa broadband connection (we live in a L-shaped house and only have connection for the _ part of the house) the boys have taken over my PC - damned Minecraft! Basically my computer has the best connection and is best able to run Minecraft. I have told DH that I am going to research buying an x-box on ebay to get them off my computer because, just in case you didn't know, Minecraft is not available on PS3 - arrrrh!

I think a return to tag-team parenting is needed. For my own sanity I need to separate them and if I don't do it as needed now I will end up having to 'send' DS2 away at weekends or termly boarding will start to look attractive because the present is so awful.

Its not forever though - at times I entertain the hope that things will get better, which is surprising really given that this has not been the case in my own personal experience. All together now 'always look on the bright side of life..' (sorry - I have had a glass of now )

Do they have separate rooms? Could you buy a lock for ds2's bedroom? When does ds1 get home on Friday? If it is after DS2 gets home could ds2 do minecraft before ds1 gets home and after he leaves on Sunday? It doesn't have to be a long term solution... What are you going to do in the holidays?

An agreed family/visual timetable seems to be a possible answer, particularly if ds2 uses one at school - with rewards for following it, or some kind of motivator for ds1 for good behaviour towards his sibling?

Nothing ever seems to stay the same way forever, so any progress with ds1 could be hugely rewarded? Maybe using social stories to talk about what he is doing? (I don't have much experience, just trying to offer ideas).