School think he's doing well... I'm disagree

[Awomansworth]

Ds's 5.2 (ASD) incidents of expression of low self esteem are on the increase out of school (thread the other week before I spoke with school). They say he is getting better in school and can hold it together when something affects him, they still have issues but they are few and far between.

At home not a day goes by without him saying he hates school, he doesn't want to go to school, it's too hard. He is definitely scared of his teacher and is always worried about having time out, because, "everybody is looking at me". Constantly talking about being stupid, nobody liking him, going to kill himself, wants to go to prison! All very worrying and definitely this type of language is on the increase. I have lots of this recorded.

I'm confused... is it possible that maybe he is so scared in school, and has been forced to comply and has learnt to not draw attention to himself, that in someway it all comes out when he is away from school. I just don't understand why I am being told he is happy in school and that outbursts/worries are in decline. In preschool he was the same child, both at home and whilst he was there.

Please tell me I'm not going mad!

No you are not going mad, my Dd3 was exactly the same. She used to meltdown most days when she came out of school and scream when going in.

She didnt have a diagnosis at the time but she does have Asd. I went in dozens of times and to be fair some teachers were better at meeting her needs than others. The HT was also the SENCO and she was rubbish at recognising sn's.

Dd3 eventually became depressed and we moved her. She is much happier now and her needs are mostly met. You are doing the right thing to record what he says.You will probably need to apply for a statement at some point. I hope someone else comes along who can give you some more advise.

Good luck

It sounds like his needs at school are simply not being met. Also school staff generally speaking are simply not trained or skilled enough to recognise additional needs. Children who are both quiet and compliant (they can bottle up all the frustrations of the school day particularly if their needs at school are not met) can become ignored and unnoticed in a classroom.

Is he known to the SENCO, is he on School Action Plus and is there an IEP (Individual Education Plan) for him in place?. If not I would ask why that is.

I would also seriously consider now applying for a Statement of special needs from the LEA re his additional social and communication needs.
Look at IPSEA's website www.ipsea.org.uk for more information.

Thanks... We have seen this deterioration at home within the last few months... He is on SA Plus and has 15 hrs of funded support via the family of school.

I'm just not sure what's going on with him at the moment, some of the language I've recorded is very disturbing and difficult to listen too, especially since this is a very jolly little boy, full of fun, I know all parents say this, but people are drawn to him as he is a very likable character.

He only watches children's TV and at home we offer endless love and cuddles (often instigated by ds).

I've got to go out shortly, but will catch up with the thread later.

Can you contact Camhs - I know it varies by area, but we were having problems with our ds who has ASD and most were related to moving to new school and lack of support, they scheduled sessions for us with our ds and they have been great, especially as they are independent of school, so it feels like they are on our side.

We also asked for Autism Outreach to come and observe our ds, which resulted in a very perceptive report, which although hard to read (emotional for me) , was very good at pointing out the challenges our ds is facing at school. Their experience and knowledge gave clear and concise points about triggers and support our ds needs - things we have been trying to say, being put into words by a professional in a report, fairly makes the school more keen to be pro-active.

I would look into applying for a Statement for him now as his needs do not look like they are being met on SA plus.

Also you need to think longer term, how will he manage in Junior school?.

CAMHS and Autism Outreach may well be of more help but their words do not always carry much gravitas with school (their recommendations could be too easily ignored) hence the suggestion to apply for a statement.

Some school staff listen to outsiders such as Autism Outreach when a parent saying the same thing can be ignored, others ignore and carry on regardless. Either way you are not going mad, this is sadly a VERY common experience. Some schools also LIE sadly, and will continue to do so long beyond crisis point.

DS has found meeting and talking to other children on the spectrum most helpful over the years, (he's now 8). I find other Mums give me the best support and the most sensible ideas on how to help DS cope.

A statement offers some protection and if your child doesn't already have one then applying NOW (ipsea website has model letters) would be a smart move. You do NOT have to ask school's permission, nor do they have any influence over the LA decision to award or deny a statement. It takes a minimum of six months to get a statement in place so don't delay as you are doing two things:-

1/ Sending a clear signal that your child's emotional well being is important and needs to be taken seriously by the school.
2/Ensuring he gets the support he needs over the long term to remain a happy chappy and not wind up with clinical depression.

A statement application also triggers an automatic statutory LA EP visit to the school, so saving you oodles of energy getting someone to come in and advise school staff. (I've seen parents wait for YEARS for their child's name to get to the top of the EP list otherwise).

I don't have any expertise just to add I have a very similair situation with my six year old. I had thought he was getting better, he is back to wanting to strangle me, everyone hating him, wanting to die. He holds it together at school but it is just too much for him and I have been similarly fobbed off, although his paed has referred him to CAMHS.

Really sad as he was a delight at home over half term. Most of the time anyway!

Thanks all...

we've got a paed appointment next month so will discuss and ask for referral to CAMHS.

Since before he started reception, we have been working really hard at home to manage his behaviour and this has been beneficial to him, in that he no longer lashes out (apart from one issue, in the last 12 months).

I'm concerned that now his behaviour has calmed down in general, they naively believe he's coping when in fact he probably internalising, hence the low self esteem and anxiety. When I challenge school they say, well yes we agree with you! Then tell me he is doing great! when a child of 5 says "I'm going to kill myself", that doesn't sound great to me.

I'm very angry with myself as I feel I've let him down, by trusting their spin against my better judgement. I have totally lost faith in them as recently I was informed from a very reliable source that both ds and me have been discussed in school and not in a positive way, sorry I can't be more specific, suffice to say it confirmed my fears.

Whilst having a statement (assuming I would even secure one, almost impossible in our county, Notts) will offer security of support, how does it tackle the issue of school staff not having the knowledge to support a child adequately?

Lev - sorry crossed post. I'm sorry your having similar issues. I can cope with the verbal outburst towards me, but it just breaks my heart to hear him talk so negatively about himself.

A statement can include staff training!

I second the advice to apply for a statement. I was told by senco there was at least a six month wait for an EP to assess. I applied for SA and within 2 days of the LA receiving my request I had a call from senco with an appointment with EP next week :) It really does speed things up, as school need to prove they are doing everything they can to support your ds.
Good luck!

Camhs leaflet with information and contact numbers for direct access.

Awomansworth I would not wait for referral, I would phone up and explain what you are experiencing now, to my mind you are a family in urgent need of help, sometimes just speaking to another human being can get the ball rolling much more quickly than waiting for a referral. I did phone autism outreach, sent e-mails to people outlining what was happening, I phoned the council's ASN education department too - waiting on them phoning me today.

When I had serious concerns about my ds's mental health I phoned every agency I could think of and found info on local gov website - I think if we had waited it would have taken much longer to get the help and support we needed. I did cry on the phone to quite a few professionals but it helped, I might still be waiting if I hadn't.

I don't know if you know about the Autism team - there is an e-mail address - so you could send an e-mail to them outlining your concerns.