Ds is upstairs, refusing to come down, get dressed etc and tutor is due in 20 mins

[claw2]

He had a bad day with her yesterday. It went a little something like this.

Ds refusing to do some maths work, saying he doesn't understand and its too hard.

Her saying you do understand and its not too hard.

Him still refusing. So her asking him to explain why he is refusing.

Him repeating he doesn't understand and its too hard.

Her telling him again that he does understand and its not hard and asking him to explain why he is refusing again and so on and on.

Ds then just refused to speak to her and curled up in a ball and they sat like that for the last 20 minutes of the lesson.

She then left the math work for me to do. I spoke to him and he told me he didn't understand and it was too hard. I told him he cant just refuse to do things and if he told me what he found hard, we might be able to think of solutions.

He told me that 30 sums were 'too much' and that 'his brain doesn't work when there is too much'

We broke it down into smaller chunks and he did the 30 sums with no refusal at all. Telling me 'I make it easy for him'

However this morning, he is refusing to work with the tutor or come downstairs or even get dressed.

Oh well, I got him down, kicking, screaming and dragging the duvet. He is now in the front room curled up in a ball.

Claw, is it the language barrier that is causing this?

He is unable to make himself understood to the teacher.

Have you thought about giving language for thinking a try? It can take literally 2 minutes per scenario but offers lots of opportunities for discussion if the child wants to/is up for it. you can do it snuggled on the sofa and refer to the scenario at other times during the day and make links back. you can act out the scenes with playmobile people or draw pictures of what happens next.

given your ds' needs i'd say that was a more appropriate and fitting education than 30 maths sums!?

I think a number of reasons Star, language being one of them, he describes things in very general terms and is often unable to elaborate IF you don't ask the right questions. He can explain himself and what the problem is very well to me. We then both try and think of solutions, if there are any.

The tutor is also one for giving lectures and long explanations and instructions and trying to enter into discussions with him, where she does lots and lots of talking at him and ds just switches off.

The tutor getting angry with him and raising her voice, trying to force him to do it, just makes him clam up and want to hide and doesn't get results.

Extremely low self esteem, makes him think that he cant do things. when broken down into very small chunks, he then realises it wasn't as hard as he thought and he can do it.

Not feeling listened to, he was trying to explain why he was refusing, yet she was saying no that's not the reason, telling him he is wrong, so he then wont even attempt to elaborate.

She was getting quite annoyed with him and saying things like 'you are going to school, you are not getting out of it, by acting like this'.

When ds was telling her he couldn't understand what she wanted from him. She was saying things 'don't blame me because you are refusing to do it' etc, etc.

OMG, so school is now a punishment for him?

FFS, she and you should be working on raising as much excitement as is possible about him starting a new school (I KNOW that is a tall order, but making it aversive is absolutely NOT the way to go).

Do you really want this tutor in with him? Once things are agreed could you and him have some time off before starting school, so you can talk about it lots and lots and 'normalise' it.

Star, she is not the ideal tutor, never has been and never will be. However she has proved useful and I think its just a case of keeping her on side and grinning and bearing it for a little longer. He has made improvements since she started (not down to her, but me. Its been me that has made motivation and rewards charts, me that has ordered special pencils, me that has suggested movement breaks etc, etc and the simply fact he has not had to return to that dreadful school)

When ds attended his new school, she doesn't come home, so I am able to do my own thing with him and prepare him for going to school. When he did attend for his 2 half days, he was actually excited about going. He described it as 95% nervous and 5% happy (huge improvement on his 99% sad all of the time) AND he came out from new school, not crying, hiding under a blanket in the car and refusing to talk, but smiling, skipping and happy and telling me about what he had done.

When we arrived at the school ds was 'scared' and having a familiar face there really helped him. (although the home tutor told me she was giving him 'daggers' whenever he was fidgeting etc)

I have to be seen for singing her praises, as she does mine at meetings. I think ds is finding it helpful to have her in school with him for the time being.

The manager of the medical needs unit (her husband) is also proving to be a really useful ally and seemed to carry some weight. The new school have emailed him today, saying the school transition can begin. So I am assuming the LA is funding the placement.