Upsetting incident observed in local YMCA

[StarlightMcKenzie]

A boy/man of about 18ish. 2 carers.

This boy was big and aggressive with body and language but afaics this was never actually directed at anyone, more throwing himself around and shouting.

He was being continually restrained, and badly. His carers seemed to get some kind of adrenaline high from grabbing at his clothing, saying stupid things to him in raised voices like 'You have to be calm as their are children in this corridor'. He was answering back and shouting things like 'No, I won't!'.

As far as I could see, his aggression was almost always a direct consequence of 2 carers that had no control, but worse, absolutely no idea how to talk to him or touch him.

He was demand avoidant and the more he avoided demands, the more demands they made, and then threatened him with consequences such as no computer, but with no effect.

I recognised my ds in him and found myself with tears streaming down my face.

I tried to get the organisations name but with no luck. I know the boys name as the carers were shouting it non-stop. Should I persist?

What about all the others being 'looked after' in this way?

I'd persist, if they don't know how to restrain him properly, someone is going to get hurt and it will probably be him.

poor boy please persist in finding out
That could so easily spiral out of control

:(

Do see if you can find out who was supposed to be responsible. This is just awful.

I think I will. I doubt I could sleep tonight if I didn't resolve to do something.

I wouldn't say the carers were nasty particularly but they reminded me of those parents who shout endlessly at their toddlers without any follow-through whilst the toddler carries on regardless, and who then resort to abstract threats such as 'right no presents on your birthday in two months time' etc.

However, unlike a parent in that situation who might be embarrassed, they seemed to revel in being the centre of attention with the boy running back and forth, slipping their grasp and shouting when they keep telling him to be quiet.

I can't say for certain, but I think my ds won't be like that at 18, but he can be like that now and I completely recognised him and would absolutely not condone putting him in that position even at 6.

The sad thing is that he might well not be allowed back in the centre if he behaves like that, but I honestly think most of the behaviour was carer-induced.

I'd ring social services with your concerns and tell them the date/time/location of the incident. They have the power to ask the centre management to release "service users data" (ie the name of the organisation the lad was with!).

I did this once when we found an ASD 11 year old naked from the waist down in a local park. The SN play scheme he was on had no idea he was missing, until SS contacted them several hours after we found him. I've never been so grateful that a child could recite his Mum's phone number in my life before! I understand significant changes have since been made to that schemes staffing & training.

"Carers" only get away with treating people like this as the public do not make a fuss. No way would anyone "important" be treated like this iykwim. We all know that noone listens to complaints made by direct family members. Kick up a stink fgs. Every public complaint helps get the message across that actually the disabled DO matter!

"I honestly think most of the behaviour was carer-induced"

I think this is what is so concerning as many of us have experienced this with our own children and clumsy, badly trained TAs (even those who are not malicious or nasty).

It would help to try and find out where they were from and then email your concerns in a constructive but assertive way saying that it appeared they needed more training as their conduct was actually heightening the poor boy's anxiety and making things worse.

Bring this case to their attention as an example of what happens when things get out of hand.

adult safeguarding

Are you sure he wasn't a big 17y old?

You could email SS and cc to the centre and the head of London YMCA care homes

How upsetting, you'll hopefully feel better if you follow it up.

TBH (MD) he did look young but I suspect he was officially an 'adult' because the centre is used every Monday by adults with disabilities.

I could tell you other stories, upsetting also, like the carers who were discussing someone that was able to use the toilet themselves and saying 'can't believe we're not allowed to take them to the cinema because we'd be sitting ignoring them' when week after week I see many of the carers looking bored, not answering attempts at communication and predominantly engaged with their phones in one way or another.

Interestingly it is often the men rather than the women who are more engaged with the 'clients'.

I know what it is like to be solely responsible for someone with repetitive questions, or behaviours. It IS boring and sometimes I seek solace in my phone. But that is hardly the point.

Thank you for the ideas everyone. I will follow it up. zzzzz is right. If not me then who? Who would even understand that the situation arose because of the carers and not the adult with disabilities. Who is paving the way for my child in this ever increasing selfish culture?

We have had to pay for extra training for carer who looks after ds even though she comes from a reputable agency which charges twice the direct payment rate. I have yet to see a single carer from SS or agency or supporting in holiday clubs with what I would regard as adequate training. Our ABA is really expensive but the quality of training shows you why. Our ABA staff constantly have to bite their tongue at school, holiday club and in community by what they see. But in a mindset where autism training is a 1 day course and carers are paid minimum wage it's easy to see why this happens.

And actually, caring is boring and unrewarding when you've no idea what you're doing and why. It can be a good job, with the right management. If you have low pay, it's important to be rewarded by the work itself.

Being able to join in the fitness stuff, take pride in having done a good job, see your "caree" becoming more able to enjoy an activity, get the adrenalin rush by anticipating and heading off disaster (rather than provoking it), knowing that your skills will lead to promotion / study etc. All of these can make a big difference to the relationships and interactions.

The 'bad apple' theory of poor care is misused, people forget that lots of bad apples are turned rotten by by being stored in poor conditions.

I have yet to see a single carer from SS or agency or supporting in holiday clubs with what I would regard as adequate training

Yep

I've no experience of the SN holiday clubs, but I do know someone who recently got a job working in one. She has absolutely no experience with SNs and from what she said about her interview she got the job by mentioning that she 'has a friend with a son who has ASD'. Yep, my ds, whom she has never looked after even for five minutes! in fact has never shown that much interest being too busy recounting her ds's achievements, can you tell I'm bitter?

So anyway, I'm inclined to agree .

I would have said something to the carers there and then on the spot, I know this would not be the right thing to do but I could not have resisted.

I couldn't get near the carers as he was a big lad throwing himself around and I had a 4yr old and a baby in an unsecured highchair.

I have drafted an email and about to send it shortly.

I wanted to give it a few more days thought.

I'm torn because these carers were awful, but I don't think they were particularly awful for carers iyswim. I don't think it was their fault. I think they enjoyed the adrenaline of the situation but I also think that they thought that was how it was supposed to be, and that being in charge of a volatile young man was an important and responsible job. It's a bit hard to explain.

I wouldn't have intervened under the circumstances you describe either, perhaps not even when on my own. I hope you get your letter out to the agency soon.