this weeks instalment of the hell that is my life; wise mn'ers please help

[QueenofWhispers]

Hi Everyone, I hope you are all well and happy.

I'm still in my unhappy boat of doom.

As most of you know, Ds has ASD and 'd'H has Asp.

Since getting the DX for our son we have been under quite a lot of stress (which I'm sure is not unusual).

Until last week, I thought that myself and H had a loving relationship. I certainly love him, but I am not sure anymore if he loves me. He is distant, withdrawn, has no intention of showing me any affection and has now gotten to a point where he shouts at me when I need help.

We have not got anywhere with the statement, which was his job to do (I had started it, but was too busy with a masters and Ds's day to day care that I asked him to step in and to it--it's been 2.5 years and the statement hasn't been done). Yesterday we were given the DLA form to fill out and send back in and H decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of it when I asked him if he was going to ignore me all day today too.

For the past 2 years he has taken every evening off from us, and at least half of the weekend to 'work on Ds's stuff+DLA+statement+side business'
but in all of that time nothing has happened.

I am starting to think I've married the biggest asshole in the world. To make matters worse, I am pregnant with baby number two and have found out we have a single umbilical artery which could cause severe disabilities to the new baby, but 3/4 children born with this are fine. He refuses to discus abortion, but I think we should really consider it if he doesn't plan on being a better parent to Ds or husband to me. I cannot raise two children alone when I am already struggling with Ds. If he cannot be bothered to help with Ds then how in the world will we cope with two DC?

He's been ignoring me at the best of times and yelling at me at the worst. I cant handle my attitude towards himI absolutely don't know what to doI do love him, but his behaviour is becoming worse and worse.

oh, this sounds tough. sorry you are going through this.

not really sure what to suggest re DH but on a practical side - have you looked into getting help with completing the DLA form (CAB, contact a family etc. we got help from a welfare advisor from the council) to get it out of the way?

I tried calling, no one gets back to me...I made soo many calls last week.

Queen there is a brilliant support thread over in 'Off the beaten track' for partners/wives of men with Aspergers. They are a lovely bunch of ladies and will welcome you with open arms if you want to join in or if not just lurk and read. Its here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/off_the_beaten_track/1755268-Cassies-mirror-ball-dance-the-communal-plot. Its a great place to vent and get advice.

Can you do the DLA form and statement together?

What zzzzz said. And under no circumstances ever give him the impression that you'll have an abortion if he doesn't 'change' to become the man you want, even unintentionally.

Hi, I have aspergers and DS ASD. The DLA form was totally overwhelming and stressful to me and I just could not fill it in (in the end DP did it, while I sat there and made 'helpful' comments) We are in a similar situation with a statement. I have told we need to be pushy to obtain (the trouble is I struggle to communicate and have no idea how to be 'pushy'). I sometimes feel quite bullied when people say my son should have a statement, I know he should, but I don't know how to argue his case

I was thinking the same thing that zzzzz said - this is the third time you have discussed terminating in as many weeks - first it was because you didn't think you wanted to be pg, the second time because you thought there might be a slight chance that DC2 could have ASD, and now this. It sounds to me like you are seeking an excuse.

You need to discuss it, and WITH your DH - whether he has you pissed off or not. Just a bit of tough love here, but the DS you have with ASD - he is not just YOUR DS, but your DH's, too. Have you thought for a moment that DH is as stressed and upset about all of this as you are? Perhaps he is blaming himself for your DS's ASD (as you say he has AS himself, perhaps he thinks he is responsible for your son's challenges). You have asked him to do all the work that involves emphasizing DS's challenges and struggles, and nothing about his strengths... how can he not be beating himself up about this?

There have been a lot of wedges driven between you and DH in the last while - rows over you wanting to leave the UK, not wanting the pregnancy (you know, unless it was non consensual, intercourse without birth control occasionally leads to babies... you made a decision, conscious or not), expecting him to take total responsibility for all of the very emotionally taxing paperwork. Yesterday, the DLA form was put in his lap, and he got upset when you accused him of ignoring you. You can't have it both ways, and frankly, I see a lot of relationship sabotage here.

Scenario 1 - You terminate this pregnancy, knowing full well that your DH does not support this idea. In all likelihood, with how you are describing your relationship right now, this will end it. Are you ready to be a single parent?

Scenario 2 - You have a mature and respectful discussion with dh about where you are right now and how to move forward. You acknowledge why each of you is struggling (and you might be surprised what you learn through all this) and form specific and measurable goals together.

You have admitted here before that you struggle with mental health issues of your own - it is time for you to seek support personally (or increase support if you already have some in place) as the toll this is all taking on you is very obvious.

You keep saying how important your son is to you in all of this, but I worry that at least part of that is talk. If he was so important, you would not still be moaning about the lack of statement request submission after 2 and a half years, you would be making it happen.

Any of the regular posters here know I am about as subtle as a brick through a plate glass window, but sometimes it is necessary to stop fucking around and say it like it is.

No one is going to send out a rescue vessel to your unhappy boat of doom - if you want to get to shore, you need to handle the oars or get out and swim. You have a life vest, and the sharks aren't hungry, but it is going to take effort. That, or you can keep drifting, and that hasn't been working too well for you.

Quick tip - when you are bailing water, you are supposed to be pouring the water OUT of your boat, not into it.

Queen.
I am very sorry you are still so unhappy and stressed.
If you want a termination because you do not want another baby then have one, but DO NOT use it as a bargaining tool.
Your dh will not/cannot change. He has been like this since you married and before your ds came along. It is unfair to expect him to change. It is also unfair on you (and your ds) to stay if you so unhappy.
Your son has had issues for some time now if iirc as has my eldest boy.
The thing that helped us the most was us BOTH realising that no one was going to help us out of the goodness of their hearts or because they are paid to and it's their fucking job...
So.
We just got on with it. Fill in the paperwork. Send it off. Make the appts.
It won't "go away"
It won't just "get better"
I wish it did.
X

Right. Three main problems:
The first two (LTB? And ToP?) will almost certainly seem easier to assess sensibly, if you spend the next 48h fixing the major-hassle-but-no-ethical-dilemma-big-life-events problem.

1. You need direct payments or respite hours. So you have to ask social services to assess your DS as "child in need" and you as "carer". You need to phone, email, or fax your council's children with disabilities team, but may 'bounce' to the general duty social worker to start with. Make sure you tell them if you've had 'mental health problems', increases the chance of help. Is your DH's ASD official? Cos if it is, its relevant to your chances of respite for DS. But make sure you tell social services that bit too.

2a. The DLA form. It's really shit. If the universe was fair, clearly your dh would do it, look after ds so you could do it, or at the very least he would be extremely be blo*dy grateful for you doing it. But the universe is not fair, and feminism has pretty much failed.
2b. If you stay up all night ( initially, then ), you'll have the bulk of it done by morning. Use the cerebra guide which you can download [http://www.cerebra.org.uk/english/getinformation/publications/pages/dlaguide.aspx here]. Even if you mess it up and you get the wrong rate, you can always appeal and send more info later.

1. Statement. This is never going to be easy. Whatever you send now, it will not be enough. If he hasn't had a statutory assessment, just print out this. Takes about 10 min, including addressing the envelope.

Don't put excessive effort in, you can attach your DLA form answers as parent evidence. If the LA wants to assess, they will base this on nursery /school report. If they say no, you won't hear till 6w time anyway and you can deal with that problem then. If they're already assessing, there's nothing you can do till proposed statement or note in lieu comes, anyway.

Btw, I am sorry life is so hard right for you now. I'm replacing (((hugs))) with giving you hard-nosed strategies, cos it'll be more help. Though you can stick these in a milk bottle too.

My take:-

1. IPSEA do fantastic model letters you can just insert your own personal details into, in order to apply for that statement. www.ipsea.org.uk/What-you-need-to-know/Common-problems.aspx#RequestingAssessment

In your initial application you do NOT have to quote war and peace, so just buy a stamp and send the darn thing off!

They also do a step by step "refusal to assess" pack in case you get a disappointing response in six weeks.

1. DLA form - took me 3 months to complete, including a diary which I submitted However I didn't know about the brilliant cerebra guide, or about "contact a family" - both of which would have simplified matters for me so, so much. Don't feel you have to tackle the whole depressing thing all at once. An hour a day if that's all you can face, (armed with the Cerebra guide to help) will have the darn thing totally finished in a week. There's a lot of truth in that old saying about eating the elelphant one step at a time.

1. Physically how are you feeling? If you are getting over tired due to the pg, everything will seem worse cos exhaustion plays tricks with your brain iyswim. Your DH CANNOT do the paperwork, or he would have by now - that much is obvious. However he CAN do other practical things to help his family that have just a much value, such as cook dinner, run the hoover round, tidy the living room at the end of the day to reduce your workload a bit.

Choose an alternative poison to give your partner in order to allow him to make and genuinely FEEL he's making a positive contribution to his family fgs. No one likes to be constantly reminded they are a failure at something they know deep down is important to the welfare of their child.

1. How socially isolated are you getting? As a single parent this is the killer for me. I bust a gut to arrange a simple coffee shop trip once a week with a mate, or I get so bloody lonely and down it's scary. That simple hour spent discussing anything BUT my child's issues/money worries etc is the difference between staying on top pf things and going under for me.

1. Can the TWO of you do an ASD parenting course together? If he's on the spectrum himself he's likely to have some genuinely interesting insights on how to help your child. Many areas do the NAS help or Help Plus! courses. There's also a selection of superb courses run by ambitious about autism at Treehouse School in N. London that might be worth investigating.

I just get the feeling that if the two of you can't row together through the choppy waters that encompass "the system", then at some point you may split, and as a single parent to the child on the spectrum it's not a life I'd rec for anyone if it can be avoided tbh.

2 years is a very long time to have just waited for him to manage it. Tasks like that are overwhelming when you have ASD (eyes DCA forms on counter balefully) and the longer it goes on the harder it gets.

Your just going to have to do it, just like your ds simply can't do some things, your dh can't do those forms.

I do understand how frustrating it is, dp and I are both on the spectrum and have 2 SN kids. I'm the one who deals with it all as dp just can't. It drives me to distraction but at the end of the day these things have to be done, one of us has to step up for my children's sake.

You need to start making your son the priority and stop being sidetracked by petty squabbling and nagging. If dp hounded me to do stuff I'd shut down too, I need to get there in my own time when my head is in the right place. If he was nt and hounded me I'd walk out, simple as that.

The pregnancy is a separate issue, one you need to discuss calmly once you've established lines of communication... Don't use it to blackmail him, it will backfire on you in the worst possible way.