Which way round?

[neverputasockinatoaster]

For a variety of reasons DS and DD have rarely sat at a table to eat and we mostly eat food that does not require much knife involvement......

DS is 8 and has an ASD. DD is 5 and I reckon there's an Aspie girl there....

DS has massive issues with fine motor control.

DH is an undiagnosed ASD person and has real stress about noise, people fidgeting, DS not sitting still etc.

I am aware that this is disadvantaging our children. DS does not see eating as a social event. He never will. BUT I would like him to be able to sit at a table and eat with appropriate cutlery without sliding onto the floor, balancing on one bum cheek on the chair, picking up an entire sausage in his fingers........

So, do I work on the cutlery aspect first with DS eating at the small table he likes or do I go for the meal at the family table aspect first and then move to cutlery training..

Also will ABA work on DH not 'sweating the small stuff' like a wriggly Aspie boy? I reckon his motivation will be wine or rallying......

With Bee, I used to practice "table manners" at a small family restaurant in the middle of the afternoon - she could order whatever she wanted, we worked first on sitting at the table, then, once that was in hand, we worked on managing the cutlery. The place was empty at the time, so no disapproving glares, and the owners understood why we came in every weekend, and encouraged it. The chef would often make something for Bee that was not on the menu if she aske for it (usually a grilled cheese sandwich). FWIW, she has horrendous fine motor challenges, so she does make a mess, and she does need her food cut.

You can work on handling cutlery at the small table, and sitting still with the family at the main dinner table, then try to integrate them. Perhaps he is not sitting still because he requires more seating support? Using your hands when you are not feeling stable in a seat is very difficult. At the small table, I'd bet he has both feet on the floor (or at least is able to put them there) but at the big table, his feet dangle. Without that support, either because of sensory or motor issues, using his hands might be harder, and thus the rest of the dinner skills are out the window.

Thank you all for the ideas.

We do eat out quite a lot - DS likes a menu!! However i tend to cut up the cuttable food for him as watching him wield a knife is scary.

We do also eat together at times but it is such hell on earth with DS wibbling and fidgeting and DD refusing to eat carrots because they are orange even though yesterday carrots were her 'favourite and best' and DH humphing and tutting and telling off.........

DS is quite good at clearing his stuff through to the kitchen too so now I think on it there are positives to be worked on.

All this angst has been prompted by 3 hellish days at my mother's. All food MUST be eaten at the table, all food MUST be eaten with cutlery and mummy is NOT allowed to cut it up without the death glare and the cats bum mouth!

Talking this through here has led me to see it isn't all doom and gloom! We have got a positive start and now I need to build on it.

I do hope so!

I love her dearly and she is so supportive verbally about DS and DD but deep down I know she believes it is all because I am a rubbish parent and if she had charge of them it would be different........

She and DD had a very confrontational weekend.... DD is going through the 'I hate you Mummy' phase. I ignore - I have bigger battles to fight to be honest - but my mum pulls her up on it every time.... Then there was the walking out of the cafe in a huff incident because DD looked at her 'in a nasty way'..... 'I'll go then shall I?' was the line used I believe. For a micro second I contemplated saying yes but then my 'mum must be happy at all times' conditioning kicked in.......

DCs are eating a bowl of chilli with pasta (I peered into the tub I got out fo the freezer and decided it was bol - it wasn't!).

DS is eating grated cheese from a tub - with his fingers but using a spoon for the rest!

I am musnetting as I am on the verge of not coping!

My mother is, indeed, rather needy. DH says she is a control freak. She prides herself on never shouting but the looks and the sad faces were waaaay worse! My step father - who was an arse- died last year and she has thrown herself into charity work - the world thinks she is marvellous. I grew up with her.........

One day my wall will crumble and I will tell her a few things..... it will be a disaster......

I once commented about how I was sooo stressed I didn't know what day it was.. Her response? 'Well, now that's another thing for me to be worrying about. I don't need anything else to worry about.'

Anyway, enough moaning. DS and DD are thriving under my benign neglect but I must check they haven't stabbed each other with their spoons!

As long as they don't sharpen the spoons, it's all good.

Hey, some people pay big $$$ to eat chili and cheese on pasta in the US - praise the DCs for eating exotic cuisine