Re: Managing violence in Asps. DS

[Desperandum]

I have name changed because I am so desperate and also embarrassed about what's happening in the home with DS, aged 12. He has HF Asperger's, goes to mainstream school and outside the home is very well behaved.

At home, over the last 2 years, as he's starting puberty, he's expressing his anger with physical violence. This may involve pushing me violently, throwing small items at me, thumping me on the arm or chest. It's not that bad but I'm afraid it may get worse.

What should the consequences be when he does this? I find that I get very angry and upset myself and have at times ended up shoving him back, which I'm very ashamed of as this will only teach him to do this more to me. However, I am now resolutely trying not to retaliate but have no idea what to do instead.

For example, if I tell him that he must leave the room for being rude (he swears horribly at me) and have time out, he refuses. If I try to switch off his PC, he pushes me away, switches it back on, swears etc. How can I make him leave the room if I don't physically force him, which of course I shouldn't and in any case, he's now very strong?

I have also at times resorted to locking him in his bedroom and also realise that this is a terrible response and not at all helpful. I've felt at the end of my tether and if I try to lock myself in a room to calm down, then he just goes back to whatever he was doing that I've told him he can't do as a result of his rudeness or violence.

Like some children with Asperger's (though not all), if he does something wrong, he will never ever ever admit fault but turns it around into it being the victim's fault. I have tried, after rows, to sit down calmly with him and explain step by step what the sequence of events has been - ie, "When you called me a fing bitch c, I felt angry and upset and told you to go to your room, as a consequence of you doing something unacceptable. You refused to go, so I switched off your PC. You pushed me away, so I defended myself. You called me several other rude words and I got angry and felt hurt. I now need you to apologise and to understand what you've done wrong."

This then turns into him saying what I have done wrong - ie., made him angry so he had to swear at me, switched off his PC, so he had to push me/throw something at me. So he doesn't learn anything and his behaviour doesn't change and often I feel so terribly guilty about mismanaging the situation, that I end up telling him I love him and that I'm sorry for my part/losing my temper etc etc.

Can anyone suggest what I can do to help change this situation? What other specific consequences can I use to make him see that being rude and violent is wrong?

Well, from what I see with my DS, I think simple rules with consequences can be very useful, but not when DS is already stressed or frustrated? Because then even the simplest rules go out of the window, his brain just doesn?t process them. And then I just have to do whatever it takes to de-escalate the situation, so that if he?s being rude I try not to accidentally shift him from being rude to being physically aggressive. Any rules I make have to divert him before he even gets into that rude/stressed state. "Explosive Child" does explain how to do that quite well.

I only have the one child, so this might not be right but? given what your other son said to you, I was wondering if it would be worth having a quiet chat with your non-AS son about his brother not being able to help being rude to you, and being unable to say sorry to you, and so on, and that you can?t expect it of him; but you do feel sad that his brother can?t do those things. And that you are very glad that your non-AS son can choose to behave differently, and you are pleased when he does behave well. It occurs to me that maybe your non-AS son doesn?t quite know how to treat you, because he sees his brother acting a particular way and ? especially if his brother is older? ? he doesn?t know if that is AS or if that is how boys are meant to treat their parents? I do think it?s OK to have different expectations for different abilities, and to be clear about what they are, so long as you do it positively (?I am happy that you can do as I ask? rather than ?I hate it when you deliberately don?t do what I ask?) and so long as you make it clear this is about accepting ?can?t? and not ?wont?.

As for getting DS to do what I want - I can't make those kinds of jokes with my DS, he loves jokes but he finds it hard to know when I'm joking and especially not when he's anxious or angry. I have to do the calm boring thing instead - ask him to do something, wait, ask again, wait, ask again...... boring but it usually works. Along with advanced warning "can you do it in five minutes" / "this afternoon" works a lot better than "do it now" and routine, routine, routine.....

Desperandum, I have a daughter 11 who is NT who occasionally says very rude things and lashes out. I also have a son with AS who is usually very polite to me in comparison, also in his early teens. I am beginning to see it is not just about SN or autism, more about anxiety and frustration.

Dd feels very anxious about some things, and often accuses me of "not listening to her" "I hate you" etc. There is very little swearing at this stage but I just wanted to reiterate what some other posters have been saying about the cause being anxiety rather than something that needs to be punished. Is your ds just very worried about lots of stuff and it is being verbalised in this way in his attitude to you. Is he worried about you, and whether you are strong enough. Often this was the trigger for dd - she felt I wasn't a "safe" haven... I think if you are a child you long for your parents to be safe havens when you are tempest tossed.

It is working out much better with dd now that I've stopped reacting to her behaviour as if it is a personal attack. It is a reaction to me as a parent yes, but not directed at me in any personal way. I so completely sympathise with your hurt feelings, but in the end he is a child who needs to feel safe and understood. Also possibly left alone sometimes, with no demands made on him when he doesn't feel that way inclined; you might find he then approaches you spontanteously when you least expect it. Also computer are a massive trigger for rows, never ever interrupt a child with ASD on a computer it is a bit like a dog with a bone. Either set a timer or give loads of warnings or hide it. I've had to hide the laptop in our house before now because it has been source of terrible rows with ASD child and Nt son too. Avoid conflict before it happens is my new mantra.

Ive really learnt the hard way that doing stuff for your children is no guarantee that they are grateful. It paves the road to success yes, but you can't dig those slabs up and wave them in their faces...I think you choose to parent in particular way and it is not the child's choice if you do things for them, it is your choice and duty, so should not be used as a stick to beat them with. But yes, it makes us sad when they are "ungrateful" and appear to despise us or hate us. But they don't really.

I'm just thinking now of my NT son who comes back from school, exhausted, and says Stop Screaming at Me when I've done nothing of the sort, merely asked him to do his homework. He completely overeacts to the slightest request. However if I play it softly softly back off say v little, offer food, set simple time boundaries, ie: at 4.15 I would like 5 mins of violin it goes fine. Out of the blue requests fail miserably, it totally stresses him out, as does any sort of overloading of responsibilities, unless very in very carefully couched terms. But I can get him to do chores, do homework, be friendly and amiable, talk politely, chat IF I consider his feelings and not my own. He is just 13. It is hard for them. They are like walking bombs of strung out feelings.

I've come back to this thread because the glaringly obvious thing to me from my own experiences is that this is a family business not just about your ASD ds. We have been having Family Therapy, and although the therapist is not so amazing, it has really made us think about our bonds as a family and how to reinforce them. It took a long time to organise but we were referred through the GP and it was all NHS/free. Now we have it once a fortnight, for an hour, all of us, or in pairs or singly even. Dh has only been to a few sessions, he is useless at that sort of stuff, which is telling, but it has still helped us in ways I didn't imagine to set boundaries and sort out all the stuff I really wanted out of family life. Ongoing.