Anyone else got a partner who came into to your ASD/ADHD child's life after diagnosis?

[nappyaddict]

Just had DS' annual review through with his current assessment levels. He doesn't understand how upsetting it is all over again seeing it in writing that your child is probably never going to achieve what you once thought they could (pre-diagnosis) and how far behind NT children their age they are. I know my son has learning difficulties, I know he is probably never going to get a degree or be a doctor, I know he is miles behind NT kids his age. I can say this to anyone on a day to day basis without getting upset because I have accepted that is how it is. On a day to day basis I have accepted my life as an Autistic parent and the trials that come with it but also celebrating the little things he achieves that a NT parent just expects as par for the course. But seeing it in black and white every 12 months takes me back to that almost grieving feeling for the child I didn't get to have.

Me. It's hard to explain how it feels and I sometimes feel my dh doesn't get the shock factor, he deals well with the day to day stuff but I think doesn't understand when I am suddenly upset over it I guess. But I think dd's dad is not much different so some of it could be male/female differences.

We now have a dd between us too and I think it brought home to him the worry a bit more possibly.

I feel your pain with the annual review, ours is coming up(and a decision on school placement). And it is always really hard to see it written down and hear professionals discuss your child, its horrible I really sympathise.

I find I clam up and don't talk to dh much about how I feel. Not even sure why!

I can totally get that he hasn't gone through the whole loss thing. He's known DS was autistic from day 1 and just had to accept that's who he is. I can get that he doesn't actually get the same occasional feelings of heartbreak that I get. What I don't get is that he can't empathise that I do and that him saying "Well there's no point crying about it" won't make me feel better!

No that doesn't sound very sympathetic! I have had "but you've known this for ages" when I have been upset before over something! It's something that sinks in gradually I think and not something I would be able to get my head around just once. The other thing he finds annoying is my obsession with watching anything about asd or learning difficulties at the moment!

Same!! I love watching documentaries and films about it and reading books about it. DP won't watch them with me or moans if he has to cos they are depressing! Have you seen Touch?

He also hates me taking him to activities that are just for special needs kids because he copes perfectly well at normal mainstream activites (apart from his 1:1 swimming lessons and inclusive sports sessions cos he can see that they are beneficial and he would struggle in a mainstream setting) I go more for me tbh as I like being able to speak to likeminded parents. We go to special needs sessions at soft play, an outdoor adventure playground, library sessions at which the animal lady comes to, craft and story sessions etc. DP thinks that by hanging around only with parents of special needs kids that I won't have any expectations or standards for what he can achieve and DS won't have a benchmark of how to behave socially.

See I think lots of people have that view of special school too, dd's mainstream school worries she wouldn't be pushed hard enough in special school but I think that special schools are set up to be able to treat children more as individuals so it just depends on the child, their expertise can push children further as they get what they need iykwim so same could be said for activities and I also go to meet other parents and because dd seems more confident at them. The older she has got the worse I have found mainstream stuff for her tbh even though at school she is reasonably settled at the moment in mainstream.

I haven't seen touch will look that up! I bought a film involving a boy called Thomas can't remember the name but have never watched as dh won't ! Saying that, he won't actually watch any child rearing type programmes he says why would I put my noisy children to bed then watch other people struggle to put theirs to bed ( bedtime live)!

I watched After Thomas it was fantastic. If you get chance when DH isn't around I would definitely recommend it!

We went to a normal soft play session today. There was 1 incident of pushing but it was a very light push and the other child didn't even really notice so it wasn't made into an issue and another incident where I couldn't find DS for ages and then my friend found him sat at a party table eating a plate of food! None of the parents in the party seemed to realise he wasn't meant to be there and looked very confused when I took him out! They were fine about it.

But both of these incidents could have been issues with different parents.

At a special needs session you know people will be understanding.

Yes exactly and I find it a relief talking to parents with similar lives. Sounds like it went well today though!

After Thomas that's the one, i really must watch it soon.

The thing is DP doesn't really take him to activities whether they are normal or SN ones so he doesn't realise how sometimes he can behave and it can be a lot more stressful at a non-SN activity. I remember trying a few jubilee craft activities at the library last year. DS was an absolute nightmare. He wouldn't sit down, he became obsessed with the automatic doors and kept escaping outside, he kept banging at all the computer keyboards. It wasn't enjoyable for me at all.

We went to a SN activity at the library where the animal lady came in the summer holidays. DS had a few issues when we first went in. He didn't want to sit on the floor with everyone else, he wanted to sit on the swivelly computer chair banging on the computers. I tried to pull him off it and he was starting to tantrum. The librarian got down to him and said shall I wheel this chair over to where the animals are so you can sit on it there? And he agreed. I have the feeling at a "normal" activity she may not have offered this as a solution. But because it was a SN session she knew he had a disability of some sort and had probably had some briefing/advice beforehand of how to try and turn things around to avoid an incident.

Oh and there was the incident at a teddy bear's picnic in the park where DS crouched down next to a bench and did a shit

Oh no poor you at the picnic! Dd will never join in at group things now and I am finding it embarrassing going to sn stuff too as she just will not even going the room often and it's all paid for lovely activities! But at least people understand.

She also gets obsessed by the open shut button for the door at the library! We live in a village and most children and parents know her but I really get a reality check when I venture outside of our comfort zone so tend to only do it with friends or dh and even then not often. She is so lovely but can be very challenging especially in busy places and I don't dare take her places as I can't get her to leave most of the time!

How old is DD?

She is six and a half. Bad day at school today, its all very dependant on one friend and today the friend played with others. Still, a breakthrough she could tell me( took a long time and her hurting her baby sister though then she finally talked a little in her own way about why she was not happy)

Is she in year 2? My DS is 7 in June. Is she at special or mainstream school?