Post-Dx grandparent reaction bingo, did I miss any? (Long)

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

So two year ld gets his Autism Dx a couple of weeks so and we are waiting to see the clinical psychologist to have next steps meeting. Meanwhile, DF is over this week visiting us (we do not live in the UK and he has not seen DS since DS was 9 months old).

I decide to ot tell him about DX til he has been here a couple of days and had a chance to pay with/meet his grandson. I didn't involve him in the run up to diagnosis as tbh, what support could he actually give? Ad I couldn't cope with more hassle and questions. I did tell MIL both of worries and the Dx process and results and she has been fab, offering support, reading books we have found helpful and saying we are doing a great job.

I tell dad we have no way to tell him this easily but DS has been diagnosed with autism, at present his symptoms are mild and he has been referred for early intervention programme.

Dad responded and it really upset me. I just need to put it down here and try to laugh about it. And see if I got a full house of unhelpful remarks!

• 'this person who came up with this so called diagnosis, are you paying her? I wouldn't be sure you weren't being taken for a ride'

(There is no NHS here and health insurance won't cover diagnosis process so yes dad, we paid. The person diagnosing is a clinical psychologist, board-certified and published, who runs a clinic offrng ABA and Denver Model amongst other services)

• 'well, he doesn't seem at all like he has it to me' (after a few hours swimming with DS)

-'you seem very anxious about him, are you sure you haven't caused this?'

-'I have actually studied child development, have you? No.'
(He did teacher training in the 1960s!)

-'My godson didn't talk til he was 4 and now he speaks in perfect sentences'

• 'you must NEVER tell anyone. They will treat him differently.'

-' you are socially isolated. If he met other children regularly or was at nursery...'
(I am SAHM who takes DS to 4 toddler groups, 2 soft play sessions and a Friday afternoon play date every week. Except when I have visitors.)

-'all mothers worry with their first. You need other interests. You should send him to nursery and do something while he is there'

-'you always did too much reading and research. You can convince yourself of anything if you look at the Internet'

-'you're too defensive. You should listen to me better. And you ought to get a second opinion, I would if get one of having building work done on my house'

(At this pont DH interrupts and says there is nothing in the 12 page report he disagrees with about DS and that it is uncannily accurate and perfectly describes the little boy we love'

I am so fucking angry and a few days later he is on about it again, having met someone offering 'Super nanny' services locally, who is an educational psychologist, says we ought to call her in.

I love my father but he has been incredibly unhelpful.
And breathe.
And ...did you get anything similar and were there any gems he missed?

Let him pay for Mrs SuperNanny. They mostly use ABA-type approaches. It'll give you some free time to do more research, show that you have listened to him and when you or SuperNanny eventually tell him that your child has ASD he might be more ready to accept it.

To make some sweeping generalisations, Men have issues with their offspring or extended offspring being anything other than 'perfect' as anything less questions their virility. Add to that the fact that Grandparents can have the luxury of denial whereas parents have to get on with accepting and moving fast towards intervention because the earlier they do the better the prognosis, and you end up with someone like your DF saying what he did.

IME, and that of many on this board, teachers know feck all about ASD.

Ah sorry. Just seen your update.

So sorry. You must be livid.

Tbh I would just let it go. It's annoying but it's saved you the bother later on. We had a similar thing when we let grandparents babysit our son and the neighbours made too much noise. My fil ended up bashing on their door and yelling at them to stop upsetting the 'autistic child' next door - we had only just begun the diagnosis process at that point! I'm pretty sure both my mum and mil have told everyone they have ever known but I'm not bothered really, people know now and they have been just as much help/interest as they were the 2 years beforehand (ie none lol!)

Trucks . Don't know what to say. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Sorry your dad behaved like an arse.

Thanks all (honk).
I feel sad and annoyed and DH is very annoyed.
It's done now so not much can be done.
Dad has emailed back that he is 'recovering from a colonoscopy'

I wished him well with the recovery and said we will talk about this when he feels better.

A colonoscopy isn't a free pass to swerve the fall out from this but expressing how upset we are can wait I guess.

I agree with lougle it's the grandparent relationship.

8 years I had my mum and dad tell me to relax, not worry so much etc with DS. Stop focussing on his difficulties- negatives. When I said I was going to Camhs as I suspected ASD both my (teacher) parents said "oh yes, we think they'll say he has aspergers!"

I was then I got it! It's not that they don't see it, they hate seeing me worry about him and want me to know they love him as he is and accept him. In other words I don't need to explain his behaviours to them.

I would try thanking your dad for his suggestions and carry on as you were. Your dad knows the dx now. It sounds like it won't affect his relationship with your ds and that is great news in the long term.

Oh god I'm so so sorry. I have to admit I did not RTFT or look at the date.