Long story short, we have had a horrible 18months with DS1's behaviour, culminating in his being put on a reduced timetable at school, with lots of visits from professionals and talk of an ASD.
Although DS (who is 4.8) has not had a dx yet, from talking to these professionals, I have recognised DS's behaviour patterns in so much of what I have been told that I am pretty much convinced he is somewhere on the spectrum.
Can't tell you what a relief it was two weeks ago when a professional finally told me that if he does have an ASD then time outs won't work. Trying to discipline DS and being told again and again about reward charts, behaviour sanctions and that he "just has to learn who's boss" was ruining our family life, particularly as he is now at home a lot more on the reduced timetable.
As a SAHM, obviously the lion's share of dealing with DS falls to me, so the past fortnight, I have switched my approach from discipline to spotting the things that trigger the outbursts and diffusing them. This has involved a lot of cajoling, distracting, calming and cuddles, and has, I think, been pretty successful. From my point of view, the calmness levels in our house have increased a hundredfold.
However, DH coming home is a bit of a trigger for DS. DH works long hours at a physical job and is always tired. I'll give a couple of examples of how things go.
DH's approach to this is very different to mine. He sees my distractions as rewards for DS's bad behaviour. For instance DS was on the verge of a tantrum yesterday because he wanted to help DH pour boiling water onto some veg for tea. Obviously he can't do this, but being told no is a definite trigger. He yelled "I WANT TO!" and threw something. I said "Ooh look, DS, Daddy got some plums while he was at the supermarket, would you like one after tea?" DS brightened up and said yes. DH immediately said "No, you can't have one because you threw something." Cue an escalation to hitting DH and screaming on the floor. DH immediately threatened with a time out. Which of course we had agreed we wouldn't do any more. DH leaves and sits in the bedroom for half an hour to cool down.
Later, DS was in the bath, and he hates washing his hair as he is scared of the water going in his face. Both DSes were in there, splashing about and generally being funny and lovely. I called DH in to share in the fun but it was obvious that the hijinks were annoying him. Once the issue of a hairwash arose, DS clammed up and started acting up as he always does. I managed to get him to wet his hair and get the shampoo on, but obviously the main problem is the rinsing.
DH went to the kitchen and got a huge saucepan full of water. On seeing it, DS freaked out. DH said "if you don't have this, I'll have to use the shower", which DS is deathly afraid of. He screamed until DH got cross with him, emptied the pan and stomped out.
After that, I calmed DS down, had a chat about how he would like us to do it, and then persuaded him to let me use a cup. Then I showed him how it wouldn't go in his eyes if he tipped his head back etc (which he obviously does know, but it seems as though he has to be talked down every bath time!).
I don't know if I am doing the right thing in either situation. I am such a SN noob that I haven't got a clue if my approach is the right one, but it seems to me as though the important thing is that we are calm as a family. Yeah, I'm pandering, but being tough does not work.
After the kids were in bed, DH said he feels like all he ever does is shout at DS. He thinks he is doing the same things that I am, but that DS is just not responding because it is him.
I explained things from my perspective and he got really cross and said "you think it's all my fault?" which obviously I don't. I just think he needs to back off on the discipline and start seeing this for what it is, which I thought he was. He definitely agrees that DS has some sort of problem.
I suggested that he spend some more 1 to 1 time with DS to build up their relationship a bit (at the moment, I feel as though when he is at home, I am shielding him from DS and vice versa) and he said he didn't see the point. He thought DS would just spend the time hitting him.
The other side to this of course is that I spend 24/7 dealing with the kids. This week I have had a driving lesson and my hair cut, (an hour and a half total) and DH thinks this is a break. I have a rotten cold, the house is a mess and I haven't had time alone in months.
Worst of all is that every time I raise this, DH says that if I can't cope then we shouldn't have any more kids. He knows that I would love another baby in the future. Obviously I am not thinking of ttc in the near future, but I feel as though we are in the early stages of dealing with DS's SN and that things will get better.
I am so sorry to have gone on so long, I just feel really alone at the moment. DH and I used to be best friends and now I feel as though DS is between us. Every time I talk to my mum about it she says it's "just men" and says it's a woman's lot to deal with all of this.
I want to be a happy family and have good times together, but at the moment I feel as though I have good times with the kids and DH has bad ones.
Thank you for reading all of this.