Old friend let me down, have I been too harsh?

[monkeynuts123]

My daughter had a disability when she was born which she has fully grown out of. I know that sounds unusual but I don't want to give more details because it will totally out me, suffice to say it was something that given time rights itself and in our case it did just that. Anyway, right back at the beginning things could have turned out very differently and I was totally beside myself with shock, stress and just heartbroken for her actually. I really needed so much support to just get through each day and although I have a great DH and good local friends I really needed my old friends. I had an old friend who lives a long way away who came to visit another friend in the city where I live so for once she was really close by. I was so relieved and was holding out to see her and so looking forward to being able to really talk things through. She was here for 5 days and saw us for only 3 hours and instead spent all her time with another friend. We went out with the kids. She avoided my txts thereafter while she was here and was elusive about meeting back up again. Eventually she txtd to say she'd gone home. She didn't even come to say goodbye.

I just felt so let down and felt how can she really care to do this and that's not what I would have done to her, I would have been there. I told her how upset I was and we didn't talk for several months. Eventually I phoned her because I just couldn't understand why she'd not cared enough to spend time with me. She said I was stressed and she found it tricky. I told her the friendship was over because I couldn't continue to be friends with someone who dropped me like that because I was stressed when my DD was so sick and who didn't stand
by me in the worst time of my whole life. I think I found out she wasn't such a good friend after all.

I do miss her and wonder if I was too harsh. I would put this in aibu except it can be a bit brutal over there and I think she might mn too.

To be honest... No, I don't think you were too harsh. You soon find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan.
How else were you supposed to be? Sweetness and light?

I once had a friend visit me and I was going through a tough time. She was there for me and made me feel better. That is what is supposed to happen.

If you miss her couldn't you work it out? She knows how she made you feel and maybe you could patch things up?

I'm glad your dd grew out of her disability and hope she is doing well

No I don't think you were harsh - well done for telling her how it is and your expectations. Draw a line under this and instead look around you and look for those friends old and new who were there and supported you - these are true friends to be treasured

no you were not incorrect. you were spot on. i had a best friend whom I told not to tell anyone about dd's condition and she told her husband. I brokeoff all contact and she is out of my circle of friends

Its true to say when the chips are down you find out who your true friends are. tbh if she says SHE found it a bit tricky, I would not waste time with her ever again because a true friend would be focused on YOU and not on how she feels. Why would she give a shit about how she feels if her friend is reaching out to her in desperation?

Right not to put this in aibu as people there would say you were, because the vast majority will never know the fear and isolation of having a SN child and how sometime friends just disappear. So pleased your DD has recovered and is well. If youve learned one thing its how to treat people who find themselves in this boat and to value the people who stayed to help

Sneezecake I agree. This experience gave me an insight into how it must be for parents of children with sn and only an insight. All I can say is I have the most respect for people who manage this all day in day out, year in year out.I found the ignorance and cruelty of many people almost unbearable and it showed me another side to human nature. At the same time I found depths of strength inside myself I never knew I had and although those early months were desperate and there were times I didn't know how I would do another day, I found a depth of true unconditional love for my girl which knocked me over. She and I now have this incredible bond and I am just so so proud of her. Thank you for your reply, it's nice to have that fear and isolation acknowledged and nobody really understands that unless they've been there themselves.