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please help me understand my sons behaviour AS

23 replies

thriftychic · 21/03/2013 09:01

ds2 is now 14 , for the last 3 years we have been through hell with his diabolical behaviour and i know this latest issue will turn horrendous when we tackle it tonight . in fact its made me ill.

He has xbox live , loves it . the xbox live is paid for by dh and its his card that has been linked up to it .
ds2 months ago wanted to buy something on it ( i dont know points or whatever they do ) and went ahead without asking dh . dh only realised when he checked his online banking .
we spoke to him , told him it was wrong , he had to ask etc etc
he did it again , then again and again over a couple of months by now dh very annoyed and ds2 having big meltdown everytime hes confronted about it.
dh figures out he can password it and does so and alls well until dh left the password off. ds2 took advantage and spent again.
ds2 insisted it was dh fault for leaving the password off .

this time we made him pay the money back (as he was now getting a £1 for everyday he behaved so had some money ) and wrote an agreement with him that ds2 signed , saying that he wouldnt do it again and if he did he would pay it back and xbox live would be cancelled for 2 weeks .
this week ds2 has been desperate for money as he wants it to go somewhere at the weekend and ive had to keep reminding him that the £1 per day is a reward for good behaviour , but dh realised last night that ...yes , you guessed it , somehow the password was left off and ds2 has done it again !

ds2 is not very typical usually of AS in my opinion but then maybe im just not seeing it and obviously is now a teenager with whole other issues . but , i just cant understand why he keeps repeating this . he is intelligent enough to know what will happen , he is VERY manipulative and conniving really .
this is going to be another meltdown where he will not accept the consequences of his actions
does anyone understand this ?

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amistillsexy · 21/03/2013 09:07

He is repeating the behaviour because he wants to and he is able to. The consequences are not strong enough to overcome the rewards (rewards being the joy of having whatever he is buying)

The answer? Remove the Xbox completely. Engage with your son. Spend time with him. Talk to him. Read with him. Take him places. Teach him right from wrong by discussion, using real examples.

PolterGoose · 21/03/2013 09:36

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PolterGoose · 21/03/2013 09:37

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EllenJanesthickerknickers · 21/03/2013 09:47

amistill, that comes across as very patronising. Hmm

It may be that the consequences aren't enough to overcome his desire to have the virtual rewards. I do think that you should remove the Xbox live function completely for a while. I don't think he understands properly the value of money, from what you are saying. You need to find something that he does value as a consequence, but the trouble with AS is that normal methods of discipline don't always work.

Have you had a look at the NT teenagers board? Maryz on there has a thread about teens with SN where you might get some more relevant advice. My DS2 is only 13, but emotionally much younger so I haven't got to proper teenager behaviour yet.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 21/03/2013 09:49

Crossed with Poltergoose.

amistillsexy · 21/03/2013 10:20

Ellen you are right. Op, I'm sorry my reply was so blunt. I didn't mean to come across that way. Dealing with lots of pda/as shit here too at the moment, so probably used this thread to give myself a kick up the arse.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

moosemama · 21/03/2013 10:21

amistill, I am sure you didn't mean to come across quite so judgemental and patronising. Hmm

Thrifty, I agree with Ellen. If my ds starts taking the proverbial P with computer time his consequences is losing access for a pre-agreed amount of time.

Like your ds, taking away all screen time completely would be as much of a punishment for the rest of the family as it is for ds - although I have had to resort to that on a couple of occasions - so we have degrees of removal, iyswim.

He is currently totally obsessed with Minecraft and been given access to our old MacBook for playing it, for a pre-agreed amount of time per day. When he first started he was allowed to play on it for the whole of his 'computer time' but we found this fuelled the obsession massively and his behaviour deteriorated as well, so now he can have half an hour on that and the rest of his computer time on his DS.

He knows the rules and the consequences, but has several times wangled it so that he's been on it for an hour while I was busy and didn't realise. (My fault but he knew what he was doing.) On those occasions he has his laptop rights removed for the rest of the week - no arguments. If we stopped all computer time, as I said, it would be punishing the rest of the family as much as him, so he is still allowed to go on his DS, with the half an hour laptop time removed and gets his 'gaming-fix' that way instead. I think we've had to do this twice now and he knows it will happen, yet he still did it again last night.

I had a visitor, so told the boys to have computer time upstairs. An hour later ds2 came down in tears to tell me ds1 had been on the laptop for an hour and wouldn't let him have his hour on minecraft. Interesting discussion with ds1 ensued, while he tried to tell me that last time this visitor came they had an hour each - I have a terrible memory and he could be right, as it was the school holidays and prior to the half-hour restriction being imposed - but he knows the rules now and that he is only allowed half and hour and he broke the rule, so has to accept the consequences. (This is hard for him to take, because he is rules/routine led, so in his mind what happened the previous time that particular visitor came over-rode the current rules.) Needless to say he was not at all happy and we will have it all over again tonight when he gets home and wants to go on the laptop and I have to reiterate the consequences of his behaviour.

Prior to this system - before Christmas - he was getting increasingly shirty and demandng about having laptop access to go on various things and his behaviour was unacceptable as a result. We maintain that the laptops are dh's and mine and we are kind enough to allow him access to them - on our terms, not his, but he was becoming increasingly demanding and petulant about it and tantrumming if we said no. So, we removed all access to laptops for the whole of December. He retained his 'computer time' because he was still allowed on his DS, so despite him being thoroughly cheesed off with not being allowed on the laptop, we still had an hour and a half of peace every day! Grin

As Ellen said, removal of Xbox live for a determined amount of time, as a consequence would still leave him access to standard Xbox games, so he wouldn't be completely bereft of gaming, but would send the message that if he abuses a privilege that you have been generous to allow him, then he loses that particular privilege. Perhaps a three strikes and you're out type idea might also work, so, say you have to remove Xbox live access for a week three times then he loses it for a month.

I also agree with the suggestions to look at the Teens board and also what Polter said about your dh needing to take more responsibility for not leaving your ds wide open to temptation that he clearly can't resist at this stage of his development.

moosemama · 21/03/2013 10:22

Cross posted with amistillsexy. Sorry you are having a bad time at the moment as well. Thank you for posting again.

PolterGoose · 21/03/2013 10:42

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ouryve · 21/03/2013 10:47

I would give the same advice when he had AS or was NT. You need to make it impossible for him to engage in this behaviour. If you can't unlink the credit card or deactivate the Live account, then it's necessary to take the Xbox away. Make it clear to him that if he can't be trusted with it, then he'll only ever be able to use it supervised and he'll have to earn your trust, instead of walking all over you. Only allow him to play solo games, locally until he's proved himself.

bassingtonffrench · 21/03/2013 11:04

the reward system sounds a bit confusing. at least it did to me when I read it through.

would it be an option, rather than escalating the situation, to draw a line under it and take responsibility for the account and the password yourself. Then start afresh?

it sounds like you might do more harm that good by punishing him for it and I guess it is your call on how much you feel he is learning from the consequences you are setting.

thriftychic · 21/03/2013 12:28

Hi , thanks for all the replies , amis that would not work because he is a teenager . teenagers are another thing altogether and to be fair although he loves his xbox we do actually take him out to music lessons every week and dh takes him fishing , bmx bike riding etc every weekend almost.

After him doing this so many times we decided to make it clear last time what would happen , we said we would have him repay and no xbox live for couple of weeks. i guess we will have to stick to this but i just CANNOT understand why he does it . it seems that no matter how severe the consequence he does it again.
when he is given the consequence thats when he goes berserk and trashes the house , pushes me around , threatens suicide , the whole works for hours and hours.
he insists its my fault , ive made him mad etc

its the same with his phone . told not to take it upstairs or he will have to give it to me for 2 days but over and over hes took it upstairs . When i took it off him the other week he went berserk , it was the end of the world to him but yet he still does it . I just dont get it !

i am really annoyed with dh , hes not on the ball at all . its always me keeping tabs on everything and im tired. He says he cant find the bit of paper that we got ds2 to sign now aswell after me insisting he keep it safe in his wallet and watching him put it there Angry

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PolterGoose · 21/03/2013 12:34

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thriftychic · 21/03/2013 13:07

thanks polter , it has been suggested here before about pda . i will have a look now at the chat board . tbh , from what i have read he does fit pda a bit but i cant seem to find many answers as to what to do in situations like this
maybe there arent any

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PolterGoose · 21/03/2013 13:41

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thriftychic · 21/03/2013 14:08

not sure about medication , dont know really . Thing is we can have a whole 2 weeks sometimes without any serious incidents and then other times its never ending .
sometimes i think hes not got a disability at all and is just horrible , other times i think he definately has and stop trying to reason with him at all.
He has never had a meltdown anywhere other than at home . when hes gone hes gone and rages for hours . intimidating me and folllowing me around . actually i think i have told you this before , sorry !
dh isnt very helpful. When things kick off i feel like i have to try to stop dh saying horrible things to him as he loses it and just hates him (obviously he loves him really )
its so hard. i worry about ds1 aswell hes 17 trying to do A levels in a mad house .

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PolterGoose · 21/03/2013 14:15

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thriftychic · 21/03/2013 15:16

its a tough call , i have sometimes asked dh to go out when hes having a meltdown and i can see dh has got to the end of his tether but really i feel totally desperate and the last thing i want is to be on my own iyswim. i am actually quite scared of what could happen and have phoned the police before now. tbh its nigh on impossible to sit back and keep out of it when ds2 is mad . he antagonises both of us at his worst. things like pouring water over dh head , tipping me off the chair , you get the picture!

i have said to dh that if somethings going on can either he deal with it or leave me to do the talking because i do see that both of us saying things to him triggers a meltdown very quickly.
saying that there has been many occasions when dh has been at work and ds2 has raged for ages with just me .
sorry if it sounds negative dont mean to and really appreciate all the input ive had on here . a real sanity saver Smile

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coff33pot · 21/03/2013 21:33

Just thinking aloud :)

Is he using the points for games purchase?

If you you have made him pay it back plus he has lost xbox time but is he still getting to keep the game on the xbox?

I know it sounds harsh but it might be worth trying to make him pay it back AND deleting the downloaded game or what he has bought with the points x

Stores called GAME do purchase cards as do amazon. (amazon you get more points for value of money) perhaps 50 p a day good behaviour and 50p TOKEN like bottle top towards a "points card"?

I am sure you can disconnect your card someway.

I dont have card on my daughters I bought the xbox live via shop and then put in code. Amazon have xbox live as well x

Walter4 · 21/03/2013 21:43

Sounds really hard thrifty, but also agree with polter re looking at PDA . There are some utube videos on meltdowns and handling that may help. Generally though applying traditional discipline won't help much, rewards and sanctions aren't helpful. I think of it likes dealing with a difficult colleague , use humour , options , distraction and be very indirect with as few demands as you can and keep calm.
Easy really...not!!!

coff33pot · 21/03/2013 21:45

Just thinking a consequence could be losing a points token. Or if you think he will kick off more just give him a plastic tub and give him yellow tokens for points say write 50 on it and pop a red token in with minus 50 on so he can total up and see for himself how well he is doing without the confrontation :)

coff33pot · 21/03/2013 21:54

support.xbox.com/en-GB/billing-and-subscriptions/manage-payment-options/remove-xbox-live-payment-option

There you go you cannot delete on your xbox, card details that are linked to xbox live unless you put in another payment option. You need to contact support (highlighted bit in the write up)

You can also click "turn off auto renewal"

I paid £34 ish for 12 months with a pre paid receipt card I think it was £15 for 3 months at a time. Just might be better to take the temptation away altogether :)

thriftychic · 21/03/2013 22:59

not too sure whats what exactly with the xbox as dh generally deals with it but hes taken his payment details off now after phoning them and ds2 will have to go to the shop to buy what he needs instead so shouldnt have this again .
the youtube videos on pda are really good , thanks , really sad but good !

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