Worried about my son

[Sparklymommy]

Hi, this is my first post and I hope someone can help me. I am a mum of four children, a 10 year old daughter, a 6 year old son, a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. My concerns are over my 5 year old.

When I discovered I was pregnant with him it was a shock. I had a three month old baby and had not had a great pregnancy with him, and I really couldn't believe I was going to have another hold so soon. I spent a lot of my pregnancy in denial and when I had him he had the cord wrapped around his neck, was born too fast and was blue. I had PND, and struggled for months with feelings of guilt.

He has always been the child that I have had the most problems with. He has a stammer, although at the moment this seems under control, he has speech therapy as his speech is an issue and he has always been my "naughty" child. He knows how to push the others buttons and seems to constantly be winding everyone up. He is quite intelligent, but at pre-school they struggled to assess his progress as they couldn't get him to answer questions.

He also is the "clingy" child. He won't do any out of school activities without his siblings, he attended dance classes with his younger sister but when he was moved up a class he cried continuously and wouldn't do it. He also wanted to do king fu but again cried as he didn't have a sibling with him. He will not settle at bed time unless someone stays with him and he tends to go to sleep in mine and my husbands bed and then we put him in his own bed when we go to bed. From a young age discipline was a problem and on one occasion we spent nearly two hours trying to get him to sit o. The naughty spot for 3 minutes. He wants to be with me all the time and struggles with separation issues.

Then we have his relationship with his younger sister. No one will ever hurt her because my son won't let them. He takes good care of her and loves her fiercely,she is his baby sister and he adores her.

When he was 3 he was being seen by the health visiting team as they saw at his 2and a half year check just how much of a handful he was but they said, having observed him over a few weeks, that he was just an intelligent child who would calm down once he started pre school. That didn't happen!!! I'm tearing my hair out as they say he is not ADHD, he can concentrate on a task and complete it, they say autism is unlikely because he does have friends and cares if someone is injured but I am not so sure that there isn't something there with him. None of my other children show any signs of special needs at all. In fact my eldest is currently preparing for the 11+ and all of them appear to be high achieving.

What do other mums think? Am I being paranoid or should I take this further?

Ok - first off you seem to be still struggling with some emotional pain regarding your ds' birth and then your PND - is that the case? Or have I read that wrong .... PND isn't a choice and you shouldn't beat yourself up nor should you continue to torture yourself over denial in your pregnancy. It would take some sort deranged saint to be skipping around deliriously happy that they're pregnant when they have a 3mth old. Hand on heart I can say that had it have been me I would have been sectioned. Some people cope really well with lots of little people running around - I'm not one if them .

Now, regarding your ds - he sounds like a lovely wee fella, I love how protective he is over his sister.
Yes he could just be highly intelligent and highly active, but the advice you've been given re: autism is wrong, dc can still be on the spectrum and be social and have empathy. If ADHD has been ruled out there are other attention difficulties such as ADD. Also does he concentrate on tasks that are generally of interest?
I'm not saying your ds has any of these conditions. I would though if I have concerns has the GP for a referral to the community/developmental paediatrician. As they are best placed to assess him for any issues. I know that can sound daunting but its the only way to put a fullstop on those concerns and move on - whatever the outcome.

In the meantime - post some of the challenging behavioural issues on here, others will be able to come back with some fantastic tips on ways to handle them.
Goodluck

Why could they not get him to answer questions so they could assess him?

DS has dyspraxia and is sensory seeking - at home he could attend, concerntrate and focus, in the busy class environment, not a chance s it would overwhelm him - this is the sensory processing side of things - it can be co-mrobid with Austic sprectrum disorders, but also with many other learning difficulties, as well as just on its own.

DS also had trouble settlong and had security issues, I don't understand why, but once we got the sensory issues regulated/modulated, these disappeared.....maybe read bait about it and see if anything rings true for your son?

Thanks for your replies. At pre-school they had trouble understanding ds. If he was not understood the first time he said something he would just smile at the teachers and not try to make them understand. He had his overly large tonsils removed fifteen months ago and the speech issues did improve but we still have a few problems, hence he still has speech therapy. He does concentrate when it is required in class although his teacher has said that he can be disruptive. All I get from the school is that his behaviour isn't the worst. I pity the other mothers then!!!!

Bless, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about!

Your little one sounds a bit like dinky.
She was so protective of the little one we lived with, she was easy to begin with (if a little clingy), then she exploded at preschool. She has been getting progressively worse since then, and got majorly worse dec/jan of reception. She comes across as very sociable but gains and loses friends really quickly (mostly due to her behaviour).
The school couldnt assess her in the beginning because she wouldnt answer their questions and they have had to find other ways of working around her 'won't' attitude.

She is going to be assessed for PDA/ASD by a developmental paed.

I'm not saying your 5yo is the same or anything, but it might be worth looking at PDA.

What does the SALT think?

The other thing that occurred to me was your DS understanding of time and space......I think it comes with both dyspraxia an sensory issues, they struggle to understand time (and space) - what made me think of this was your saying your DS hated being left without a sibling. My DS hated being left as well - turned out because he didn't understand "time" saying I'll see you in an hour had no meaning to him.... Unlike other children. Made him very insecure in unfamiliar surroundings as he couldn't comprehend when I would be back.
DS also had speech issues - mostly from dyspraxia and a little from accent - his response was to give up if people didn't understand him - to the point my little chatterbox hardly spoke at preschool.
Not saying your DS has the same issues - or any, but they could explain what you are experiencing - but not be ASD......
HTH

Quite frankly, if they couldn't assess him, then I'd be demanding (in writing) that they bring someone in that can, such as ed psych, or referring through school nurse to paediatrician for further assessment.

DS2 has ADHD/ASD and feels empathy (in some situations) and can focus on a task. For certain specific skills, he can "hyper-focus" where he doesn't hear or acknowledge anything around him - but for most other things, he cannot focus for very long at all and is all over the place.

You say "they" say he does not have ADHD - who is "they?" If it's not someone qualified to dx it, then it means nothing. Get a referral to a paediatrician either through his GP or through the school nurse and get him assessed properly. Teachers are not qualified to assess for SNs. As far as the "health visiting team," again, it depends on their qualifications, but I doubt they are able to either.

sorry, regarding the school assessing him, I meant in an educational context, not SNs. If they can't get their general educational assessment done because of his behaviour, that alone should put up red flags that something is up.

Thanks everyone. I have an app with GP tomorrow for me, so might mention it to her and see if I can get some assessments organised. I'm not looking for a label, but some understanding would be nice.

Hi sparkly and welcome to the board, I agree with what triggles said about who it was who said he doesnt have Adhd? And about going to your GP.

I know what you mean about not looking for a label but try to see a label as a signpost. If your son does need one then it will sign post people in the right direction to support your son instead of him being give the label "naughty."

He is 5 and if he thinks he is a naughty boy he might start to live up to his label.

You need to ask your GP for a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

Good luck

Thanks, it was the HV team and the pre-school who said they thought he didn't have ADHD. He runs rings around me! The trouble is I end up being shouty mummy and I don't like it.

You're a mum of four dc. You've been his mum since birth. Tell them all where they can put their reassurance and insist on a proper neurodevelopmental consultant. If, following careful evaluation, they can reassure you, then good.

Failing that, maybe a senior super-camhs specialist (hard to get, they usually fob you off with tier 2 parenting classes type flim-flam)

Okay. If the HV team is comprised of mainly health visitor, a HV is not qualified to assess whether or not your child has ADHD. Nobody that works at a preschool is qualified to dx or rule out ADHD either (unless your preschool hires developmental paediatricians, which I rather suspect they do not! ).

Don't take their word for it. If you have concerns (and obviously you do or you wouldn't have posted about it), then speak to your GP and insist on getting a referral to a paed. (On a side note, our GP refused to refer our DS2, and we ended up getting a referral from the school nurse - thankfully as DS2 has since been dxd with SNs, including ADHD/ASD) It's hard sometimes to be insistent on it, but sometimes you really have to push to get a proper assessment.

The sooner he can be assessed, the sooner he can get proper support (and so can you!).