PLEASE HELP ME - read my short novel i am desperate

[christiemamaof3]

christiemamaof3Tue 12-Mar-13 22:34:28

Hi mamas and papas (heres my novel please read although lengthy i need advice)

In this post i am desperate so i am being brutally honest, if you are a "PERFECT PARENT" probablly best not to read as it might offend or create judgement.

I am a mother of three i have a four year old a three year old and a 6 month old, naturally i am busy as a mother of three boys studying full time and being a wife.

However i feel a little more busy than some mums. i have recently started on zoloft 100mg and psychologist visits as i am extremely depressed. some of my symptoms include not being happy to wake up each day not looking forward to my mummy working day, being terrified for hubby to go to work as i dont want to have to deal with another day of my three year old kane.

It all started when he was around age one we noticed behavioural issues but kept writing them off as "fazes" "terrible twos" "middle child" we kept working on strategies and differet techniques to improve kanes behavious we have literally tried everything under the sun (i feel)

recently we have noticed normal changes "jealousy" when bubby nathanael came along etc but things just seem to get worse when one behaviour ends another starts and it has me at breaking point. I dont confide in family or friends because i wont hear anyone speak a bad word about kane (he is our beautil boy) how ever i need some answers, asking on here is "not so personal" i suppose.

some of the behaviours kane has that we are having great difficulty with are as follows.

-Wont wear clothes
-very fussy with foods, will try and will chew but will spit out anywhere.
-Pooing anywhere and everywhere and then smearing it if left alone, squishing into his toys etc, (just this morning he climbed onto the bench and poo'd and wee'd on there.
-obsessed with keys (this morning he got my handbag and keys and jumped in the car like he was ready to go)
-Tantrums and screaming fits as soon as he wakes (some lasting for up to an hour)
-If he wants something his mind is set on it.
-Climbing things - if i say he canot have something in the fridge he will kick punch climb the handles hang of the doors etc]
-Can be very intelligent in certain aspects eg. Can unlock car and start it, he know which keys are for which car.
-Can not transition well from say bath time to hoping out bath and getting dressed. or home now lets hop out of car, or okay we ae going out now lets hop in car. he hates leaving places yet he hates going places, he hated hi car seat so we changed it and got a bigger more comfortable one, and still he hates being in the car, he refuses to get in the car on a trip and kicks and screams bloody murder the whole way, then when we get home and get out he refuses when i finally get everyone inside and get him out he will spend another 45 minutes out side trying to open the handles kicking punching the car and throwing himself on the ground while raging.
-I find he loves to irritate mummy and daddy, he will do things hes not allowed to or he will hit or bite us, we tried the whole( any attention is god attention - what kane wants) so we tried stopping everything we were doing and giving him the attention he so desires this still didnt work.
-His emotions are extremeeeeeeeeee especially RAGE AND SENSITIVITY.

• He picks all the time old sores new sores or he will just make a sore.
• He will throw objects for NO reason phones glasses remote toys

-- Mood can change in secondds and can turn into AN EPISODE.

• Nothing we do will calm kane down, we cant hug or touch him, we have tried time out we have tried spanking and warnings we have tried positive reinforcement etc and nothing.

-He wakes up continuously during the night sometimes for hours. sometimes its as if hes stuck between asleep and being awake and will have fits like hes terrified of mama and papa and will run away from us and scream etc.

• wer have changed his diet to completely organic incase it was an additive he was reacting to, this did not change anything.

-He is repetitive like he wont learn from being told no or why he cant do somethign, despite having enough to eat he will continuously climb into pantry and fridge and freezer we could go back and forth 1000 times he is very head strong i often give up.

• i can clean his poo 3-4 times daily from anywhere and everywhere, he will NOt toilet train (toilet or potty) not even for daycare.
• He does not like to socialize or interact.

-Simply looking at him or saying no or talking to him can set him off into an "episode" -He can be very cilingy but can also be very quiet and into what hes doing. -he has a remote control car but wont drive it instead he will turn it upside down and just play with the wheels watching them go around and around. -Hates doors being closed -Doesnt learn simple things ie. we have a gravel driveway he constantly runs down and complains of sore feet but will not put shoes on.

Any help will be greatly appreciated.

I would talk to his daycare (are you American?) and ask them if they have any concerns about his behaviour. Once you have firm answers from them, I would take a list of YOUR concerns to your GP (family Practicioner? I'm not sure of you would maybe go straight to a Paediatrician, or a community Paediatrician in America?), along with a list of things that your son's daycare are concerned about, and see what they say, or suggest.

It DOES sound like some of these things are unusual in a 3 year old, and very hard to deal with. There's LOTS of people on this board who have dealt with these issues - one might have had problems coping with one of your issues, another two, but we will all try to give you help and advice.

The only thing I will say is that for me personally, being from the UK, I wouldn't know which sort of doctor you would take your concerns to first if you are living in America, because the healthcare system is different to the UK's.

Here, we would take these sort of concerns to the GP (family doctor?) first, and then ask to be referred to a community paediatrician. I don't know if that would be the sane in Anerica or if you would be able to go directly to a paediatrician first?

There are people coping with additional needs on MN from all over the world, but lots of us are from the UK, so our experience of the healthcare system is based on what we know!!

I would have (and do have) some of the difficulties you are facing, and it IS incredibly hard to cope with. MN is a lifeline for me, and a mine if good advice and support, that I would have fallen apart without.

Stay with us, and we will try our best to help!

Myself, I have 4 DC, DD was 15 last week, she has Special Needs, and medical disabilities. DS1 is nearly 11yo, and I suspect he also has some additional needs. DS2 is 9yo, and he has SN's, and medical problems and disabilities, and my youngest Child, my DS3, is 25 months old, and ALSO has SN's, medical problems and disabilities.

I get VERY overwhelmed at times!

Lurk on threads, read any you feel might be relevant to your situation with your DS, ask questions - we don't bite. (Unless provoked by people being horrid to our children! )

(A novel in response from me!)

The list you have written on here would be a good start on a list of your concerns to give to either your family doctor or a paediatrician. That usually helps them to work out what ^they* feel might be causing these behaviours.

Do YOU have any suspicions on what you think might be the reason your son behaves like this? Do you have a specific concern about a specific SN that you are looking to see if other people share?

Because there is a possibility that people on MN might not want to digest something that might upset you if it wasn't something you already had concerns about IYSWIM.

Some people aren't always ready to hear other people's suspicions right away.

I know that your Son sounds very like my DD and my DS2. And I know what their issue is. But I'm wary about coming out and saying what I suspect because I don't wish to alarm or upset you if it isn't something that you have considered as a possibility in the past.

I'm not good at this sort of stuff, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered!

Lots of the things you have concerns about are 'sensory seeking behaviours'. There are better people than me on MN at advising on how to help those behaviours. But they're probably asleep right now! I'm only awake because I'm a rubbish sleeper, and DS3 has only just gone to sleep. (He's not a good sleeper either!!)

Thank you so much for your time in replying: ) first of all i am in australia i have contacted gp who referred me to paed but the public wait list is nine months we were waiting but cant wait any longer we have to go private. we are "low income" and each paed app is $400+ so i have emailed the paed a list of notes i have been taking so him reading those doesnt take up majority of our valued appointment. i guess any advice on here or suggestions is a gain for me because its things i can look into jot down and again email to him to save time in appointments, i guess hearing of people in similar situtions or who are experiencing these behaviours with there babies is very comforting. Your journey sounds very rewarding yet draining and i feel as though my "problems" maybe not as great as yours, inturn has brought my mood up a little and made me realise things could be worse : ) i feel for you too however you sound so up beat and positive which is lovely and amazing i only have one SN and you have your hands ull. have you experienced depression from any of this, i have recently started anti depressents as "coping" doesnt seem to be in my day to day routine. i have panick attacks before i even get out of bed in the mornings i get terrified to open kanes door for what the day will bring : ( i know thats horrible to say its just how i feel. in saying that our children are our worlds and our hearts complete and this is why i am seeking help and advice before paed. ive never used these sites before but he response this morning is overwhelming as i posted this topic aswell and they told me to post in SN which has been a great idea. again thank you for your time

thankyou for SPD have jotted it down and currently googling it : )

I used to get very depressed, especially when my DD's difficulties were first coming to light, I couldn't even cuddle her or breastfeed her without her having a meltdown, and all the health professionals were saying that I was to blame because I was a young parent that didn't know how to look after a child, so it was down to me.

Which it wasn't. It wasn't anything I was doing wrong, other than not knowing that she had SN's!

So while I may seem like I cope (I don't all the time, sometimes I cry and scream and rage at the unfairness of it, like everyone else here does - and MNSN is REALLY good at supporting you when you feel like that, I'd be snivelling in a corner ALL the time without MNSN!), it is a combination of a slightly 'better' day wrt the DC's (I've been in hospital for an operation today, so had a break!), and 15 years of HAVING to cope with each day as it comes...

The more years you deal with it for, the more you can trudge through it without getting REALLY depressed, IME.

I have to say, 3-5 with DD was the lowest point for me. She was my first DC with dxd SN's, and when she was 5yo, my DS2 was dxd with his SN's. oh god did I rail at the unfairness of it all, and TOTALLY fail to cope!!

Now, years later, when it became more and more apparent that DS3 had the same SN's, I just looked on it as something that had to be dealt with.

I allow myself an hour or two a week to REALLY get depressed over it, have a cry, have a rage at some RL friends that also have DC's with SN's, wallow a bit, and write panicked threads on MNSN about how I can't cope and I want to run away , and then I kick myself up the arse, think about what job I need to do next to help my children, prioritise the gazillion jobs there are, and get on with things again!

We ALL have felt like you feel at some points. (((Hugs)))

Would it scare you to hear that sensory processing issues can go alongside Autism? Because the DC's of mine that have the sane issues as Kane does are either in the process of getting a diagnosis of Autism (DS3 is in the process of, takes a long time), or they have a diagnosis of 'Autistic traits' (DD and DS2).

Being honest, my first thought was Autism.

I hope that doesn't scare you.

Even if it is NOT Autism as a diagnosis - maybe as some of the issues Kane is having are similar to those some children with Autism or Autistic traits as a diagnosis have, then maybe methods that help for children WITH Autism may help Kane?

Don't EVER think that just because some of us that post on MNSN have more than one child with SN's that your problems are in any way 'less' than ours!

We still felt that way when only ONE of our DC's had obvious SN's!

So why should you worry about feeling like you should cope better just because we have more than one child NOW with SN's?

We all at one pint only had one child dxd with SN's and STILL felt the way you feel, or we feel now!

There's no 'hierarchy' of people on MNSN based on how many DC's with SN's we have - even those of us that have trod this path in life for 15-20+ years still need help and advice at times. I need a lot myself right now - and sometimes someone with one DC that is only 2yo might be able to give me advice that works on MY DD who is 15!

Your advice and questions are just as welcome as everyone else's!

Welcome to MNSN by the way!

Scare me... absolutely not im past that point and well and truely past the denial point lol :) these are the ones im currently researching. no one should feel they may offend me afterall ive asked for all help and guidance ; )
Fragile X
Autism
Asperger Syndrome
Sensory seeking
SMS

Im the same i get really down and out and then somehow pull myself through. kanes health nurse asked me how i cope the other day.. i didnt know how to respond because i just didnt know the answer i guess we just do because if we dont who will right. Plus a mothers love is the strongest force i think xo

I wasn't sure, not everyone who first posts in here IS ready to hear other people's thoughts, and I've put my foot in it before and upset some feeling fragile!

I would take or email the list that you have written to the Paed (as you have done), and I would ask Kane's daycare for their input and opinions on what their concerns are - it can help with a dx if the Paed can see similar concerns in two settings, home and somewhere else, and his daycare would be ideal for that.

All of those things seem possible! It's not likely to be all at once, but it might give you an idea of strategies to implement.

Unfortunately I'm rubbish at that - I can't even explain how I manage my DC's behaviour (mostly because right now I'm NOT managing very well!!).

There are others on here who will turn up tomorrow with proper places to look for help with ways to actually DEAL with the behaviours you have concerns about and are finding hard to cope with.

One thing I will say is that keeping my DS3 in a onsie - sometimes put on back to front - has stopped most of the poo smearing. With the poppers or zip on his back, he can't get into his nappy to smear.

Maybe that will help a little? Poo smearing really IS one of the most shitty parts of dealing with a child with SN's. (Pun intended )

love the pun :) ive done the onesie idea i tried putting them on backwards and button ones and ive tried zip ones hes hudini and can get out of anything. just today he poo's for the first time on potty but then did another poo on the kitchen bench as he also done at 6am this morning, and hes also done one outside today i wonder if having that many bowell movements each day could have something to do with this aswell as i dont know anybody who does that many numbers 2's a day

Hi Christie, welcome to SN

You Haven't mentioned how your DS communicates his needs yet. Does he use words and would you say he is developing normal verbal skills? Does he use gestures?

I do think you are justified in having concerns and it sounds like your DS is going to need some support to learn.

hi christie
You have a lot on your plate and I am glad you have an appt with the paed.
I would go back to your gp about the poo. Going that often at age 3 is unusual. it could actually be a sign of constipation or at least not wanting to fully open bowel in one go.

There are lots of poo threads on the sn board and in behaviour and development. Perhaps start a separate thread for poo as well. I know what a shitter the constant cleaning and vigilance is!

hi christie
You have a lot on your plate and I am glad you have an appt with the paed.
I would go back to your gp about the poo. Going that often at age 3 is unusual. it could actually be a sign of constipation or at least not wanting to fully open bowel in one go.

There are lots of poo threads on the sn board and in behaviour and development. Perhaps start a separate thread for poo as well. I know what a shitter the constant cleaning and vigilance is!

lougle -

He can speak its just very limited (2-3 words at a time) if he cant explain something to me he will just point or try to do what he is wanting to do. He is very different in play when it comes to "toys" hes very into trucks but mainly the wheels he occassionally will make brmmmm brmmmm noises but mainly focuses on turning the truck upside down and watching the wheels go round and around. He does sometimes play with his brother and they chase each other around in saying that its not very often, ashton (my eldest) gets a little scared of kane as kane seems to lash out at ashton and also my youngest Nathanael 6 months, biting, hitting, pushing, throwing objects etc. Just today he poo'd on the kitchen bench twice he though a big toy at the television with all force he tipped my bathroom upside down pored out brand new botle of mouth wash plastered toothpaste every where toilet paper and towells all over the place. he emptied coke and lemon juice onto the kitchen floor then spread onions out and tipped cooking oil all over the floor too, this is just some of the day its just constant and non stop i feel as though im a maid walking behind him all day cleaning up everything he can be very distructive. Also what i was saying about the toys is that he doesnt really sit down and play he just goes straigt in and starts chucking them everywhere.

DisAstrophe

Thank you ill definately look into it and check it out as the look quite regular but the are quite a pale brown almost cream colour and 3-5 times a day is quite alot.

Polter Goose

Its a joy to get advice from people like you thanks i will definately give that a try :)

Hi. Gosh it sounds like you are having such a difficult time. It really does sound like your son may have SN and your depression may arise out of dealing with so much. The only reason I am saying that is just in case you think your depression is causing his issues. If you are thinking that way, stop :-) !
It s great that you are going to see the paed and hopefully, eventually you may get a diagnosis. In the meantime, take action yourself, read these boards, I have learnt so much more from here than the few crumbs of advice/support I have been offered elsewhere.My son is 5 btw and just recently diagnosed ASD. He has lots of ongoing issues but I can honestly say 3 and 4 were the most difficult ages, as they are with most kids I think, but very much magnified with SN. I was a bit in denial about my son when he was younger but I can honestly say, since his diagnosis, I feel calmer, happier even (well some days!)

Christie
One thing you could have a try, while you are waiting for appointments, might be to keep a diary of his moods and incidents, track for a week or so, then try eliminating some of the major food insensitivity culprits one at a time and tracking if they make any difference - to his poo, the frequency he goes, his behaviour and moods. I don't think it will be a miracle cure or anything but if he does have digestive discomfort that can make kids feel miserable and worsen behaviour. I would probably try gluten free first or if his poo is mucuosy I would go with a trial elimination of dairy first. Just take one out at a time and give it a month to see if it makes any difference at all. As long as you are ensuring that he is getting a balanced diet this won't do him any harm (but don't adopt a massively restricted diet without speaking to a doctor first). If you do decide to give it a try, watch out because there is hidden gluten and hidden diary in lots of products so you will have to read a lot of labels! (I fed quorn mince, which has wheat in, to my coeliac sister...whoops!)