suggestions for calming the rage ?

[thriftychic]

ds2 is 14 AS but more like PDA
When he doesnt get his own way he blows big time .
he is so angry with me and wants to make my life a misery (his words)

i know stopping this happening rather than dealing with the rage is better but quite often i do just have to say no or whatever.
so , is there anything i can do when hes mad ( and i mean aggressively , destructively mad for hours )
anything at all ??

really desperate

Thrifty,
have you tried the whole 'how to talk so kids will listen' approach?

I found it a godsend TBH .
Not a quick-fix but it has certainly helped a lot at diffusing rages before they get out of hand. I'd say that it takes a few months of using it consistently to see a change.

And when they do meltdown, I've found it helps with the recovery afterwards?

thanks , porridge you have reminded me to request that they get that book in at the library as i saw it recommended before and then forget , so will do that,
polter , will have a look at that , thanks , i seem to be finding it very difficult to ensure safety. he is very scary when he starts . tried to push me down the stairs yesterday and i had to go around removing any sharp objects i could find aswell . he just seems to keep coming up with more and more dangerous antics , he purposely does whatever he can to shock us .
After being forgotton for the last 4 months by camhs they have said they will give us an appointment after easter , to try to help us with behaviour strategies . i asked if they could give ds2 some kind of help , like anger management type stuff and was told its unlikely to work as he has asd . tbh he does not fit the bill much for asd and i wonder if thats a misdiagnosis.

mind you i dont care what they call it , just help me !

Good advice above also practice not saying NO. If he wants to have something and he really can't have or do it at that exact moment - say that we can have that for tea tomorrow night what a great suggestion, or we can that do that at the weekend.......don't say no unless there is no other option, that may help?

sounds like good suggestion re camhs , i'll try the saying yes aswell . At school they say they dont have a major problem , there do seem to be incidents there sometimes but not like what we have at home .
He was feeling ill at school the other week , the pastoral lady told him to see how he felt in half an hour or something , but in his head he wanted to go home now . so , he was texting me from the classroom telling me to collect him . i also told him to wait and see if he felt better . but he continued to text me ( no phone use allowed ) and then when the teacher tried to confiscate his phone he refused to hand it over , instead he went and got his bike and rode home .
He wanted to meet friends last week on his bike , he had seen them every night for 5 nights and on saturday. sunday i tell him not today. he wont have it and gets on his bike anyway. i tell him that if he rides off he cant have his bike for a week . he rides off anyway. when i take the bike for the week he has a massive meltdown , trashes my entire house , roughs me up , intimidates and follows me around ranting and refuses to go to school. I always follow through with what ive said but he still behaves badly.
I said i would knock a day off for exceptionally good behaviour throughout the week , he almost managed that until he started kicking off about something again. i kept reminding him how much he wanted to have the bike back today instead of tomorrow , for exceptional behaviour . i kept trying to give him the oppurtunity to stop and calm down and have the bike back . but no , he called me everything he could think of , swore , went wild.
the bike is the thing that really matters to him at the moment but
maybe im just crap at all this. its so hard.

i hope one day i may have it more sussed and be in a position to advise others , until then i'll keep listening

thrifty I haven't been back on til now; but I have to wholeheartedly agree with Poltergoose last 2 posts.

My DS also has ASD. I've had to tear up the rule book.
The anxiety is such a huge and underappreciated issue for my DS and if I try to get into an argument with the anxiety, I will always lose.

So my parenting rules now are:

1. listen to what DS is actually saying.....he's saying 'no' to the swimming class, I know he loves swimming, so thats the anxiety about not knowing the new instructor talking.
2. Parent 'up' to a reward, never down to a punishment. So I always have a treat, on view where he can see it, and he always has a tick-box system going to earn it. e.g. tickets to see 'The Croods'...bought them, they're on the notice board where he can see them, he has to earn 7 days of ticks (for good behavour) to get them.
3. Never say 'no' My favourite phrase is 'let me think about that....I havent said yes, but I havent said no'.

the above is good advice

Would also add that the police round here (in several families I know really well) have been amazing in talking very clearly to ASD /ADHD teenagers about the law on assault, the consequences of domestic violence, etc. They really seem to agree it's better to do prevention now than arrests later, and are happy to be called out if a ds is kicking off and getting close to dangerousness.

Actually, they stand in marked contrast to CAMHS and education .

Hi again , thankyou for replying . I have put a lock on the outside of my bedroom door so that i can gather up anything i think could be dangerous and ds1 stuff (loves to get at his brothers stuff) and lock it in there.
I did that and stood outside the front door of the house last time to get away from him but he managed to find a box of matches i light the fire with and had forgotten about , he stood at the window then showing me he was striking them so , i had to go back in and get them off him.
i think its the length of time he stays angry thats a real problem because i think i would have been out there all day !