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SN children

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Original poster

How do you tell people to leave your dc alone?

24 replies

Crawling · 07/03/2013 09:41

I dont often eat out as dd finds it stressful but the other day we did cue dd ignoring food and running round (got some lovely looks) she did this for about ten minutes then went and hid under our table.

When she hid under the table (she does this when over stimulated) people kept coming up and trying to coax her out which makes her more upset. How do you politely tell people to back away? Also I have a meal for mothers day and tips on managing her behaviour?

OP posts:

porridgeLover · 07/03/2013 09:49

Crawling, I've learned to completely detach from what anyone else thinks of me or my DC.
It's better for my sanity....fussing about what people think used to cause me anxiety and ate into my reserves for dealing with DC. Now I utterly ignore the school gate clique/family members/strangers on the bus/ people at the school concert/name your place for DC meltdowns!

I'm not being flippant; I know how hard it is.
But if people persist, I now find myself doing as I do with unacceptable behaviour from the DC i.e. hand 'stop' signal, 'thank you for your concern but I can handle him/her'.
Strangely, I think one gets more respect for being firm.

I know this approach wont be for everyone but it works for me.
I insist on going out with DC as they wont learn otherwise, but I choose my time and venue carefully.
And if restaurant staff dare say anything, I call for the bill, leave and don't go back.

Original poster

Crawling · 07/03/2013 09:49

She has ASD if it matters.

OP posts:

porridgeLover · 07/03/2013 09:50

God, that sounds ever so bolshy which I am not.

Original poster

Crawling · 07/03/2013 09:54

It doesnt sound bolshy it sounds like you have had to put up with alot and have grown a thicker skin and are now firm with people.

OP posts:

porridgeLover · 07/03/2013 10:07

What a kind interpretation

Also, I always have a screen (phone/DS/ipad) knocking around in handbag, in case things get rough. But they are not used unless everything else has failed.

I am super-attendant to things like the lighting and music in restaurants. Both of these can make it harder for them to sit still.

Fancy-schmancy places are out. Finger food is good.

frizzcat · 07/03/2013 10:09

I am quite bolshy - I do defiant stares back at those being rude enough to stare continually. I would also say to staff and others "she's fine let her calm down"
I'd also go mob handed to the restaurant with things she likes to play with - will she listen to music on head phones? That could drown out the stress of the environment....
I always book a seat near the window so ds has distractions by looking outside. You didn't say how old dd was, my ds is 8 (ASD). I also do a chat about where we are going and why we can't run around.

Icecream/pudding is always promised for good behaviour. I've also learned to order plain food like chips, plain veg. Ds is a goof eater but I think the added stress of eating means that its best to keep things simple.
Are ear defenders an option?

frizzcat · 07/03/2013 10:10

*good eater

porridgeLover · 07/03/2013 10:14

Excellent ideas frizz

Yes to 'social story' of where we are going, how we behave when we are there, what reward is for good behaviour (sanctions dont work with my DC.....they behave down to threats!!).

HecateWhoopass · 07/03/2013 10:24

I didn't realise we were supposed to do it politely.

I just say "He has autism" And look them in the eye.

normally they just leave. I don't have to say anything more.

If they don't, then i have no problem telling them that they are making the situation worse and they need to move away.

Only once did I have to bring out the big guns and say to someone that I do actually know what I am doing And that they clearly didn't have a clue what they were talking about. And if they had in fact found a cure for autism they were being very irresponsible not sharing it with the world and oh dear lord thank you for their pearls of wisdom it had never before occurred to me to just tell him to stop...

It went downhill from there, tbh, as I tipped over into dreadfully sarcastic . I would imagine their face is still like this

But normally just clear, direct and unapologetic does the trick.

People coming up and acting like I don't know what I am doing because my child. well, not child. teens now. are behaving oddly, drives me up the wall.

Original poster

Crawling · 07/03/2013 10:31

Thanks all I guess I need to be firmer and be a bit more bolshy dd is 3 so im still new to this she seems to cope better if in a high chair but she cant fit in most now. You have given me some great ideas I will def try them.

I have to say our local pizza hut are aware as I know one or the waiters and they are great the staff actually give dirty looks at people who dare to give me one. They also take dd to take a few of the ice cream sweets as a distraction when she is getting a bit rowdy.

OP posts:

frizzcat · 07/03/2013 12:08

Well then, that's the place to be!

Porridgelover - I should add that the swearing going on in my head would make a sailor blush!

CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 13:18

As someone with virtually no experience of ASD, may I ask a question?

If I were in a restaurant (or anywhere really) and I were to witness your children getting distressed or hyper or rowdy - is there anything at all I could do to help or otherwise make your day easier? Or would a stranger coming over, no matter how well intentioned, just make things harder?

seaweed74 · 07/03/2013 13:20

Hello. Would a booster seat make your dd feel more secure in a restaurant? Just a thought .

Things that work with my dd (4 years) are: letting waiting staff know we need food ASAP (hungry dd is horrifying ), I have loads of favourite snacks in case food takes ages or after main meal if pud not suitable, iPad, books, few favourite small toys, crayons (although these are often eaten!), family & friends are made aware that leisurely meals can't happen and everything should move along at a decent pace.

Dp used to remove dd if she was screaming but she then started screaming deliberately to leave so that doesn't really work now.

In the past we've had a few appalling meals, but have now perfected ability to eat & drink really fast, avoiding all eye contact and then leaving as speedily as poss if dd has kicked off.

Dd is also very cuddly and affectionate (if abit rough) so sometimes she goes to sit on various people's knees for a change of scenery.

frizzcat · 07/03/2013 13:34

Cinnabar - firstly thanks for asking, for me it would be helpful if you politely ignored us and pretended nothing was happening. The stares and disgusted looks don't really affect the children just the parents/carers and as our stress levels go up, our patience dips - the dc pick up on this and the whole situation deteriorates iykwim.

OhYeaBaby · 07/03/2013 13:38

I had a little card I slipped to people [without him noticing if at all poss] - (I laminated an a4 sheet and cut it into the little cards) that explained that due to his autism he behaves, in some ways, like a much younger child and I am very sorry, strange though it may seem, trying to reason with him just makes him worse. I do however ALWAYS make it clear to him later that this behaviour is unacceptable. But please if you could just try to ignore the carryon for now that would be most helpful. Thank you very much for your understanding.

(one of my weaknesses is always wanting to be liked, hence the grovelling tone - but it worked for me)

CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 13:39

I can certainly do polite ignoring!

In the past I've worried that it's not enough, but I will willingly accept that it's the best answer.

And please know that if a parent approached me to ask for help because there was something I could do, then I would do that thing willingly. I'm sure other people are the same.

CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 13:40

And would a sympathetic smile to you be OK, or would it seem smug?

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:46

Not really a lot you could do cinnabarred, but not batting an eye lid would be appreciated.

I think smiles can be misread by people especially when they are stressed so be careful there!

OhYeaBaby · 07/03/2013 13:47

I would say that if someone chooses to interpret it as smug, that is their problem....

Hallybear79 · 07/03/2013 13:56

It's so comforting to know i'm not alone when faced with such situations. My husband wanted to take us out for mothers day lunch but said i'd prefer a "stress free" day at home. We do try & eat out reguarly & i always try to be positive. I always take a backpack of goodies & things to distract DS but they don't always work. My anxiety normally goes through the roof (although i do try my best to hide it). I try & waste no time in eating my meal so we can make a quick exit in case of complete meltdown but my husband always insists on taking his time. I can see where hes coming from as he says we have a right to enjoy a meal out without worrying what others think but its one thing my son rolling around the floor shouting but another when he starts being really verbally rude to people, which in turns leaves us all feeling emotionally exhausted.

HecateWhoopass · 07/03/2013 14:00

Not staring, certainly. Not looking like you can smell something really bad

Not that you would anyway. People who are considerate enough to actually take the time to even ask what we might find helpful are not the sort of people who are causing the problems in the first place!

Personally, I like a friendly smile. But everyone is different.

TapselteerieO · 07/03/2013 14:18

I started taking my ds to a newsagent to choose a magazine before we went to a cafe, not for a meal, just a snack (cake and milk), keeping the visit short helped. So going to a cafe was associated with being fun, a treat. Always have small toys of interest - whatever keeps your child's interest, notebook, pencil, stickers, Hawkins bazaar pocket money stuff, nothing too fiddly, and iPhone apps if all else fails. Ds is older now so we can go for longer, but if he is having a bad day/ the food isn't right then we try and shorten the visit. Comic and magazines always help though and if your child isn't reading you can read them for the child and it might hold their interest and get them to sit for a bit longer - the stories in them are short. Another thing that would work for my ds is an audiobook, earphones can sometimes block the noises he might be sensitive too.

It is not exactly relaxing though, so I generally prefer eating at home for a special occasion.

Original poster

Crawling · 07/03/2013 15:14

Cinnibar I think its very good for you to ask I think ignoring is best but I wouldnt mind a friendly smile.

Thanks for all replies they are really helpful I am planning what to take to distract already.

OP posts:

Ineedmorepatience · 07/03/2013 15:24

We tend to go for places where you dont have to wait to be served. When Dd3 is hungry she is really bad at waiting even now at 10.

Chinese buffets, carverys and pizza hut are places we are confident with, frankie and bennies are awful for being really slow. I would take a sandwhich if I went there again!

I have also grown a thick skin and actually dont care anymore about other peoples cats bum faces.

Good luck and enjoy eating out

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