Really don't know what to do to make things better

[laura4jasmine]

My DS2 is nearly 5yo and has had a range of problems since he was a baby. The OT at one point suggested Dyspraxia, but says he's too young to diagnose. That would account for his physical difficulties but I'm really struggling with his behaviour as well. I read about PDA and thought it had been written about my son, everything about it describes him to a tee. I have tried to broach the subject of his behaviour with various professionals ie: Educational Visitor, Nursery Teacher and OT. On each occassion I have had the finger very firmly pointed at my parenting as 'he has no behavoural issues at school'. I'm as close to breaking point as a person on max dose anti-depressants can be and I just can't cope thinking how much I'm letting my child down. I really don't know how to move forward and make thins better for my whole family and feel the burden is allon me. I asked for a ref to a paed but have no apt yet. The people we come into contact outside nursery agree his behaviour is difficult, but how do I get the professionals to help me? I really don't think I'm imagining this.

Hi Laura4jasmine. It's tough when you see different behaviour at school than at home. Do you think there is a particular aspect of school that he finds helpful, such as structure or routine, that you could bring into home and see if that helps?

What is the biggest area of difficulty at home?

Thank you for replying. The most exhausting thing is his relentless need to be in control. He likes to know exactly what's going to happen and if he decides he isn't going to to something no power on earth will make him. EG: If I ask him to get dressed he says he can't...over and over, I've tried praise, encouragement, ignoring, rewards, punishments...nothing works, he just won't do it. I have very set routines (1, cause I have 4 kids 2, cause DS2 has trouble learning and needs them) so he knows what's coming, but he is so single-minded and determined I just don't know what to do anymore. The prof ask 'what stratagies' I have in place to deal with him and what distractions I use, and my fav.....you are the adult and he's only 4yo! Yes I know that, but if he won't get dressed how do I make him? He also won't let anyone else except me help him, even if his Dad tried he screams and cries.
So. the above is draining enough but then my 3yo DD2 starts to copy him arr!

When he was younger he was so laid back, we always used to comment that he just couldn't be bothered (he was late walking and talking)...oh it couldn't be more different now!

Hi Laura,

If your on facebook there are a few PDA forums. You could join saying you suspect PDA. Advice there may be more instant and specific.

Hi laura4 and welcome to the board, we have had great success with visual timetables for the morning routine. My Dd3 is older so we use written instructions such as Get dressed, have breakfast, brush your teeth, put your coat on. They are on strips of laminated card with velcro on and they are stuck onto a piece of felt, as she does each thing she takes off the instruction and puts it in an envelope at the bottom. When all the instructions are gone she is ready for school.

It has got rid of all the horrible morning stress and has helped her to become more independent. You can make them with pictures/photos too for younger children.

I also use short sentences and never use sentences which could be answered with No, so I never say "would you like to get your coat on?" I would say ".........coat on"

Good luck

Good luck

Oh dear

I dont think you needed that much good luck

Could you give a choice that isn't a choice? So instead of 'put your trousers on' could you say 'trousers or shirt first?' That way, either thing that he chooses is progress, but he is in control?

Huge thank you for your thoughtful and Very helpful suggestions. You seem to understand what I'm dealing with more than most people I talk to IRL. Lots of what you have mentioned is completely appropriate to try with DS2 and I def will. We had a visual pic routine for help with toilet training (only just starting to make progress) which did help, so I will try that for mornings. Lots to think about, but that feels good, like there may be a way forward.

Even if it's only for today, I don't feel quite so alone and I can't thank you enough for that.

Oh, INEED I might just need that much luck :)