Help dealing with disappointment and unexpected change for Dd 13

[justcoping]

Hi! Looking for advice and/or strategies to teach DD deal with disappointment and unexpected changes without having a complete meltdown. She is HFA and nearly 13 yrs. have used social stories and talking through the situations and how to make appropriate choices and how we have to remember unexpected things happen and that it is okay to be disappointed. Finding her emotional outburst really upsetting to handle as have a younger one too who gets very scared and don't want him to grow up thinking this kind of behaviour is normal. Really want to help DD to learn how to deal with it better. THanks in advance for any advice or suggestion.

Goodness, that's quite a tall order, isn't it? Even NT people struggle with disappointment.

Unexpected changes....can you give an example?

For trivial things, I've taught DD1 (who has SN but not ASD) 'Maybe, maybe not...' I didn't intend to teach her it, but she picked it up accidentally, and it's been so helpful.

So, now, I say 'we might do x tomorrow.' and she replies 'maybe, maybe not..we just don't know.'

It doesn't make it perfect, but she has a little element of doubt which makes her less fixed on the activity.

Unexpected changes, upset plans, unexpected visitors that mess up your days routine? Even a phone call disrupting me doing something. I cant stand it and it throws me out for the rest of the day so I know how she feels. Only being older I breathe in VERY deep, hold it and close my eyes. Telling myself ok its a pain in the ass, you are not happy but cant do anything about it, I am going to open my eyes make a coffee and just cancel out the next 10 mins.

What to I really want to do? stomp! slam a cupboard door, cancel the whole day or just spell out to the unexpected visitor to sod off lol

DS is the same also the element of control in that an idea has been formed of whats happening and due to ridgity its mighty annoying to him if he has to alter his plan or thought and as far as he is concerned he now doesnt know what to do with himself next. This is what causes the frustration in that he cant organise himself to simply adjust to do something else.

I tend to agree with him its better when he has someone on side by openly and verbally agreeing what a pain it is, how disappointing it is and how annoyed you are too. It seems to keep him routed to discussing his anger rather than stomping and shouting about it. Its just plain worth downing tools and focusing on them.

Distraction is another thing to do. Might be something like suggesting a walk to the local shop just to by something random that you suddenly NEED! Suggestion of a pillow fight because "oh we are just soo bored" lol

Thanks for ur reply Lougle. We had a meltdown this morning as she got her periods today and she knows that means she will have to miss swimming later today. Though this is an unexpected change we have had to deal with the same situation few times in the last year (since she started her periods). She always gets an additional slot for swimming and I try to take her to either the library or to the park (weather permitting) or to the coffee shop for hot choclate after school. So she knows what options are there - but when the meltdown starts nothing I offer as a comfort or solution helps her calm down. This morning after crying and shouting for nearly 15 mins she got dressed and came down to have breakfast. We had a quick chat about if she wants to do something in the afternoon and she said she would like to go for a walk! Went into school after a hug but bit wobbly. As you can imagine it was very draining and I know this is today but tomorrow maybe something else...

Thanks for ur ideas coff33pot. I have been doing search on the web and CBT has been suggested to work on these emotions. Any experience of CBT or anything else?

The meltdowns for DS are a way of getting life predictable again (sibs vanish, mum shouts - and his adrenalin is burned off plus no one makes any demands nor has any time to think of yet more changes.

This is all good advice. I have one question for you knowledgable lot.

Routine changes in the morning before school - say DS1 comes in the kitchen to make his breakfast BEFORE DD has finished. He is NOT a morning person. He is slamming cupboard doors, focusing in getting his breakfast, leaning over DD to get a bowl, etc.

DD goes into meltdown because he is in there when she hasn't finished.

If I stop DS1 from coming in at 7.15am on the dot, HE goes into meltdown because it is his TIME to do breakfast.

To DD, it's irrelevant what TIME it is, HER routine dictates that she MUST finish making her breakfast BEFORE DS1 enters the kitchen.

To DS1, it's irrelevant whether DD is still in the kitchen, it is 7.15am, therefore HIS routine dictates that he HAS to be in the kitchen getting his breakfast.

Both have Autism.

I am at my wits end. DD CAN'T finish making her breakfast before 7.15am. She CAN'T make her breakfast after DS1. DS1 CAN'T wait until after 7.15am to do his breakfast.

So EVERY FUCKING DAY, either one, the other, or both melt down, depending on whether I tell DS1 to stay in the kitchen and DD to put up with it, or tell DS1 he has to wait, it ends in meltdown.

And then because if the noise, DS2 the goes into meltdown. Which then makes DS3 go into meltdown.

I just want to drink my morning red bull in fecking peace - because that's MY routine and I can't cope if I don't get 20 minutes peace first thing...

I think I am at meltdown point myself tbh...

Could you take her to the doctor and get her put on the pill, that way she will be able to tell exactly when her period will come,so you can plan to deal with the lack of swimming etc with notice!?

I know it doesn't help with other issues, but if periods become controlled it's one less thing to worry about! (And may help with any issues relating to hormones being difficult around her period)

She hasn't started her periods yet.

She's like it all the time tbh, yes there is one week a month where it is even worse, but it goes from punching him and slapping him to all out bearing the crap out of him. I spend my whole life intervening and preventing DS1 from getting hurt by her.

But because she has never ever done this at school, nobody believes me, and they don't believe that DGD has been like this all her life.

And I do mean all - the day she was born, and put on SCBU, they had to put her in her own room because her screams every time she was touched were upsetting the other babies. She WASN'T in pain. At all. She was only in SCBU for light therapy for bad jaundice. And only for 4 days. They had to take her off the main ward when she came back up too, for the same reason.

How do I get over it?

GP won't put her on the pill until she has had AT LEAST 3-6 periods. Not one yet and she's 15 this week.

That should read DD, not DGD! No GC yet!

I think trinity was responding to the OP, couthy!

Hi all thanks for all replies and advice. Not so keen on the pill as have had some negative side effects personally. Found some good CBT worksheets to deal with negative emotions and am going to work with DD on those. Thanks again.