Please help, so upset about dd.

[akaemmafrost]

Dd recently diagnosed with ASD. She holds it together well at school, in fact her ASD is unnoticeable there. Affects her social relationships slightly, finds them tough but that's about it.

Every day I pick her up and she is so happy to see me but within seconds has melted down, usually on the route home. Usually from some extremely slight provocation on the part of her brother (also has ASD). Tonight we have got in within seconds she has turned (her brother beat her in a scooter race home). She attacked him, I pulled her off and she turned on me. I put her into her room as it us a quiet calm space and as I left she threw her lunchbox at me and it hit me on the back of the head. I managed not to say anything but I was so angry and upset. Went to the kitchen and just cried.

I feel at my wits end. Her brother went through similar but usually at school, he couldn't hold it together there and is now out of school altogether. She screams in the street on the way home, it's as though the sight of us is a trigger for all her fury but she is so HAPPY when she first sees us.

I don't know where to go now. Do I just accept that this is dd and learn to live with it? I suppose that is the only way but it's getting worse every day.

Any thoughts or even any practical ideas to help her. It's not just me, I can't stand the thought of what experiencing that rage and anxiety daily must be doing to her.

akaemmafrost,

What you describe in your initial post is your child whose additional needs at school are not being met. Behaviours such as you describe too i.e keeping all the frustrations of the school day only to unleash it all outside of school is all too common in such situations.

Re your comment:-
"Thing is if the school can't see anything and not on board how can you get a statement

You do not need school's persmission to apply for a statement and sometimes it is better to do such things yourself anyway because you know its been done then. That is one practical thing you can do apart from having words with the SENCO (is she on School Action Plus?).

A statement is a legally binding document that the school will have to follow. She may certainly need a statement before she arrives at secondary school because it can all too easily fall apart there as well. She's already quietly falling apart now with the stress and emotional overload of the school she is in.

You are your child's best - and only - advocate here.

Basically many school staff are simply not skilled enough in recognising children who are on the ASD spectrum.

Agree with Atilla. It sounds to me that she holds it together at school despite anxiety levels being high and then flips at home where she can flip.
All the other tips ( snacks, minimal talking , giving space etc) are all really good tips and helped a lot with my son. A stress toy also helped on the way home.

Oooh - can I join this thread too. My just 8 year old DD 'only' has a diagnosis of selective mutism and 'social and communication difficulties' ATM. She is being assessed for ASD - after a fight on our part because the assessment team wanted to wait til she had 'overcome' her selective mutism. The OP's post is spot on my DD - holds it together at school and explodes at home after school. Then there is the getting into school trauma - DD threw her lunchbox at me this morning because I hadn't picked it up quickly enough - and that meant it was 'my fault' she'd behaved like that.

DH and I have been into school today and seen the SENCO (new in post). Got told that basically we must be patient as DD is making 'some' progress with the selective mutism. (Which amounts to sometimes she can speak in a small group outside the main classroom with adult support. Even then DD isn't really 'talking' to the other children as she will tend to only make a comment to the adult, and let the children 'overhear'.) But I am feeling like many of you that we can't go on as we are because DD is so demanding at home - and that's because she's realeasing all the stress and frustrations of the school day. My selectively mute daughter quite often has a shouty tantrum on the way home - the only time she doesn't care about others hearing her voice.

And as well as being demanding at home DD is unable to cope with out of school activities - they cause her too much anxiety.(which means attempting activities causes me too much stress and tantrums to get her there). So no respite there and she misses out on that social interaction.

I was interested in what you say Attila about applying for a statement - the school argue that they are meeting her needs. (She has fortnightly SALT and twice weekly 'social skills' sessions). DD is making academic progress (and is not 'behind') - though probably not at the same rate as if she would do with more support. In applying for a statement will only DD's behaviour in school be taken into account? DD has no 'behaviour problems' in school. It is so difficult because I think the key to helping DD lies with appropriate support in school - but they don't see the often explosive behaviour at home. And it seems as DD gets older she is learning to 'conform' at school and then releasing it all at home.

akaemmafrost - I re-read your original post - I imagine my difficulties with DD would be much greater if DS (who has ASD) was 'out of school altogether' as you said your DS is.My DS was off for 3 weeks in Jan with a bad chest infection - DD had the cough, but not the infection, and she ended up having 6 days off - some of which were due to the huge anxiety-related batttle we had trying to get her in when DS was off . And I recognise what you say about being concerned about the amount of rage and anxiety your DD experiences - our DD gets so angry it is draining for her - and us of course.

I know that ds being Home Educated is a HUGE issue but feel that there is little I can do about that. He was actually assaulted by a teacher and both dc were removed from that school. He point blank refuses to return to school at this time.

She tells me she hates school, yet today was raving about what she'd done that day and the activities she will be doing tomorrow. Also last term she missed a school trip as she was ill and still moans about having to miss it. I am thinking it is the going to and leaving school that is one of the biggest issues and the social side. Also she was sick at school but couldn't tell a teacher she felt sick, it just didn't occur to her to say anything, just suddenly threw up in a lesson . It's THAT stuff she needs help with. Communicating her feelings and needs and socialising, easing her social interactions.

Her Dad wants me to HE her as well as ds and she says she wants that too but academically she is thriving, way ahead in literacy and writing and some days she comes out as happy as its possible to be. I don't feel that HE is the real solution for HER. Ds has a totally different nature and is 100% better off out of school.

Today was a good day but then she melted down about three hours later and ended up going to bed early as I find that quiet in her room is the only thing that works to calm her down quickly.

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. I am STILL waiting on a written report of her diagnosis that was apparently sent twice but never arrived . Last time it was sent was last Wednesday, apparently. I need this in order to move things forward.

Oh heck :( I really feel for you.

My DS poohed in his pants a few months back - he has never ever ever done this - and I mean never. He will not use the toilets at school at all. But he didn't tell anyone just started to try and sort himself out - like you say it wouldn't occur to him that they should help him

Sorry to hear of the reason why your DS is out of school - that is awful.

I entirely see how HE can be right for your DS, but not your DD. It would be the same for my DS and DD.

We have had a trying - but fairly standard - evening with DD involving much trauma over the writing of one thank you card... After defiance (I'm not doing it), tears (you don't love me) and plain avoidance (you're telling me to say thank you for the wrong present!) she took herself off and did the card (which was copying a sentence I'd written) and added an elaborate piece of artwork...

It gets herder once they are physically taller and stronger than you.

However, had I been able to get her needs met IN school years ago, I don't think it would be anywhere near as bad as it is.

But, she has NEVER had her needs met in school. They are met better at Secondary than they were at Primary (mostly because from Y2 to Y6, I had no choice but to have her in a REALLY crap school for DC's with SN's), but still not REALLY met.

Couldn't HE her though - she's too demand avoidant.

op - will pm you.