ADHD and situation with out of school activities- really don't want to do this again - need to vent and scream

[tallulah]

DD is almost 6 and is being assessed for ADHD. We've been through this before as DS2 (23) was dx with ADHD at 7 :(

Yesterday I queued for over an hour to buy tickets for DD's first ballet show. Got to the front and the teacher said "oh, I meant to speak to you on Tuesday. She's really not behaving in any of her classes so it's likely she won't even be doing the show". I felt about an inch high, and obviously the people next to me buying their tickets and several of the people behind could hear what was being said.

She has been going to class since last Easter. After the 3rd session the teacher told me she hadn't behaved. I Had Words with DD and she promised to behave, but nothing more was said by the teacher. For 11 months . Parents watched the class before Xmas and DD was joing in and behaving, so this has come pretty much out of the blue.

We had to send in a form agreeing to them being in the show on 22 January and 2 weeks ago I gave her a cheque for £25 for the costume. At any point in this process she could have told me, but no, she waits until yesterday. I am beyond furious. She says she's going to speak to me this Tuesday, but either she won't, or I'll end up in tears again.

I don't really know what the point of this post is but is there anyone who has been through this sort of thing and can empathise? The whole situation took me back 11 years to when DS's school told us at the last minute he wasn't going on the residential Y6 trip. I really don't want to do this again :(

Really feel for you tallulah I have no advice though I am sorry.

It is really bad of the dance school not to keep you updated. I be it costs a fortune too.

When Dd3 wanted to try dancing our local school [ where her class mates went] effectively excluded her because they wouldnt let me stay with her to settle her, she has Asd and had extreme separation anxiety at the time.

Ballet classes can be really intolerant of any type of disability. I feel really sorry for your DD and this 'teacher' has handled things very insensitively. How dare she ban your DD from the production in public and after having made you queue for an hour? Sounds like she was deliberately trying to humiliate you and get you to withdraw your DS.

You can either fight this attitude or give up on this particular dance school as a not worth fighting. I would be tempted to do both, stand up for your DD and maybe help to change attitudes and make sure this 'teacher' understands how crass she has been, and then find a more tolerant activity for your DD. Either a better dance school, perhaps less formal, street dance? or a different sort of activity. Trampolining, or martial arts, or gymnastics?

Thanks both. I had been wondering what else I could send her to. DS said she needs to burn off energy. We already do karate and she hates it :( I did think about trampolining. Does anyone know whether gymnastics classes are more tolerant?

The only activities we've had success with are Rainbows (where they "didn't notice" she has ADHD ) and a music class run by arty types where they have free reign over the instruments then get together to present their piece. Horribly arty-farty but they accepted her warts and all .

Athletics? Tennis? Not team sports, lots of running about.

Empathy here

We found trampolining great as it is a smaller number of kids. I did need to stay though as they take turns and so have time waiting which might need filling

Cross that your dd's teacher has such bad communication skills and social awareness.

I think it was a terrible thing to say to you especially infront of others. Even if the teacher had somehow forgotten to speak to you in the last couple of weeks, (surely it cannot have been problematic for 10 months without speaking to you!) pulling you to one side, or asking to have a quiet word later would have been more appropriate. I hope your dd is not distraught!
I have found that whether ds (ASD/ADHD/MLD- but applies to all hidden disabilities) can be accepted and join in succsessfully with suitable MS activities depends not only on attitude and experience of the organisation running the activities but the adult(s) in charge of the class. If they do not understand the childs disability then understanding how and willingness to include that child can often be missing. The clubs that have worked for ds are those prepared to be flexible and make use of his strengths ie his enthusiasm! Ds is able to train at althletics because the coaches at his club have experience with disabilities and can tell the difference between deliberate misbehaviour and the difficulties caused by his disability, and how to help with his weeknesses.

The trampolining club at my local leisure centre are very inclusive and the staff seem to be really good. As someone above said you might need to stay for a few weeks and see how she gets on with the waiting.

Other wise what about a street dance type club, they are really high energy and often mixed as well so they might be more used to live wires rather than a formal dance class.

I agree with magso though, it always depends on the leaders/coaches. When she is ready to move from rainbows I would recommend cubs rather than Brownies as it involves much more physical moving around. They are nearly always mixed and used to lively children.

Good luck

Never mind the fact she's been knocked back on the show, this dance teacher should never have had this conversation in fron of other parents, completely inappropriate. I'd wright to her stating what you've said above, and ask her why she chose that moment after taking your money and completed form to tell you she wasn't going to be allowed to take part. I'd copy her company or superior if she has one. Do they know she has ADHD?

I haven't had any experience but wanted to say that I really feel for you and DD.

Girls can join beavers too, which is a lot more energetic, I have put dds name down for it for next year. (she isn't ADHD but can get very hyper and is always full of energy)

I wish I had something else to say....

Hi Tallulah,
I don't really post on here but read posts a lot. I have been building up to starting my own thread here on the SN section and probably will soon. I could not leave without posting though as I have been through similar experiences.

My DS was asked to leave the ballet when he was little and then the same when he joined a theatre class. Just recently we were told he could not go on the school trip as I was working and they said they could not risk taking him.

I know it is absolutely heart breaking. However, my husband and I decided to find activities where he was welcome and we would not have to experience people rejecting him. He now attends a football class which is one of those Kiddie kicks so only has about 10 or less in the class.

We joined our local Gymnastics Club this is an actual club not one in a sports centre. He found the gymnastics class too hard as there was lots of waiting around and with about 25 other children and a shouting coach it was all too much. However, at the same club we transferred him to the trampolining and as others here have said we have had great success with this he has been going for 6 months now and not once have they had a problem he is so happy bouncing for an hour.

We have also had amazing success with street dance. The teacher is amazing he is young and fun and completely inclusive of all children. Even though they have directions to follow the whole point of the class is to express yourself and move your body (he fits right in).

Obviously it is up to you to decide whether her ballet class is right for her or not but I just wanted to show you that there are people out there running clubs which are inclusive. Even when a child is acting up it takes a good teacher to find a way to engage that child and not just dismiss them.

Personally I feel that if someone is not wiling to do this who works with children then my son is in the wrong place. I think I have learnt from the past experiences, for my son it was far better for his happiness and self confidence to find an activity that brought out his strengths and abilities rather than somewhere that was making him feel different and always the 'baddie'.

Hope this helps. Oh and he is also 6yrs old.