Need a place to breathe while dd is having the ultimate meltdown.

[TangoPurple]

5yo dd has a dx of HFA. She's normally the sweetest thing. Meltdowns are extremely rare.

For the past few weeks, she's been taking her 3 teddies everywhere with her. Talking to them all the time, having them at the dinner table, playing with them, sleeping with them, making them talk back to her etc.

This morning 'they' were playing a game whereby dd was passing a ball to them and pretending they were passing it back. She called it volleyball. I asked to join in.

So she had me sit with the teddies. She passed me the ball. I passed it back to her. BIG MISTAKE!

She immediately bursts into tears. "Mum - you're not supposed to touch the ball. I'm supposed to take it back off you."

I try and get her to calm down, but she worsens right away. Lunges at me. Screams that i'm bad. Hits me. Tears everywhere. I ask her to go to her room. So she grabs her teddies and runs to her room. I stay in mine across the hall, where i am now.

She's trashing her room! I can hear her upturn her wooden easel, her wooden dollhouse. She's kicking the door.

I don't know what to do. She hasn't acted like this in about a year. Maybe i should just let her carry on until she runs out of steam. Arrgh, she's still screaming that i'm bad and i did it all wrong.

Poor you. She's having an awful time because you broke the rule she didn't tell you she'd made. It's that theory of mind business, isn't it? She didn't know that you didn't know the rule, because she knew the rule.

Be kind to yourself now. Remind yourself that she isn't going to come to any harm. Then have a big hug after, even if you feel like screeching at her.

Those teddies sound really important.

((((Hugs))))
It happens. Stay calm. Let her thrash away, as long as she is not endangering herself.
Once she's done, lots of hugs and love as she may feel very frightened of what has happened and your reaction.
Later today or tomorrow, you can talk to her about 'getting your angries out'.

Don't blame yourself. If there was a meltdown coming, it was nothing you did to trigger it.
I've found 'How to talk so kids will listen' great for helping DD1 (undiagnosed). But when she's gotta blow, she's gotta blow.

She is doing fabulously to not have had a meltdown in a year :)

I agree with lougle poor theory of mind can mean that children with Asd think you know everything they know, so she would have expected you to know all her complicated rules.

What a shame you have had such a bad start to your day. Can you turn it round with a favourite DVD and a cuddle up on the sofa or something?

Someone on here suggested trying to see meltdowns as panic attacks rather than tantrums, this can help me not to feel angry when Dd3 screams at me.

Hope she calms down soon, would it be worth sticking your head round the door and asking her if she needs a hug, be careful you dont get something thrown at you though.

Good luck

Thank you so much, everyone.

She calmed down after around ten minutes. I went in and she was sitting in the middle of all the mess, still whimpering, and still saying it was my fault, i did it all wrong. I told her i didn't know i wasn't allowed to touch the ball. Sometime's people make mistakes. I said, "Next time someone makes a mistake in your game, stay calm and tell them, 'no, that's not right, let me explain the instructions again.'" Which she repeated and seems happy with. I also asked her to try remembering to count to ten when she feels herself getting upset, but she says she forgot about doing this earlier.

We had a little hug. She broke down in tears on my shoulder and kept saying sorry. Now she's saying sorry all the time, at least in every other sentence.

Ah, she's so lovely. Was such a shock to see her like that again after almost a year. Fair enough, she still has temper tantrums, but nothing that extreme. Hopefully it'll be another year before the next.

Thanks again. I'd've just sat here and cried all morning if i hadn't posted.

She sounds like a lovely wee girl :)

"I said, "Next time someone makes a mistake in your game, stay calm and tell them, 'no, that's not right, let me explain the instructions again.'"

What a great tool you've given her

Glad it's blown over quickly.
You sound as if you handled it marvelously.

Thanks again everyone, really good advice.

i think because her outbursts are so rare, i often forget that certain things upset her. I guess she's just being dealing with her emotions internally recently, and today everything just came spilling out.

I'll definitely try and establish rules and prepare her for unplanned things that may occur before we venture anywhere, or try something different.

I do that a little bit just now, PolterGoose. Slapstick and the like. She laughs along, but often gets annoyed too. But it's better we practice in those times than her reacting like that when someone else (such as her teacher) really does something 'against the rules'.

You're all lovely. Had a great day since then. Went for a bit of swimming and then lunch, although she still keeps bringing conversation round to the 'meltdown' and apologising, saying she hopes we're best friends forever.