CAF & JHMS ??? - Advice Please - Have Been Asked to Go This Route & Reading Up I Am at a Loss as to Why ??

[rockinhippy]

I have agreed to this but was caught on the hop as I thought my meeting with school/school nurse was for other reasons more relevant to DDs health issues & school, but this came out of the blue & was put to me as a way of saving me having to repeat & repeat DDs health issues & would see her through school - she's 10

I was given an appointment for SN to visit at me at home & fill in forms for me by way of helping me, but having read the leaflet given to me & read a bit around the Internet & had DH look too, I am very concerned & quite frankly don't understand it, neither dies he - as it now seems geared towards putting the family under scrutiny, all a bit nosey knickers SS & in our situation it just doesn't seem appropriate - not that we've anything to hide, but I'm now worrying what the hell I'm letting myself in for & thinking back on a few comments made by the SN who I've met twice & so far not too impressed by if I'm honest, promises made over help for DD still not happened yet & not looking likely in the near future either I'm now wondering if she is misunderstanding our circumstances & thinking DDs anxiety issues are related to my health problems, which I am certain they are not.

DD was diagnosed with Joint Hypermobility Syndrome at the end if last year, this was after a long battle to be heard with doctors etc & years if medical problems & accidents - 99% of which where away from home, school, youth club etc - the anxiety which flares up from time to time is a symptom of JHMS, she's otherwise a very confident, very bright, sensible & precocious kid, glowing school reports, some friendship issues, bullying included, but she's dealt with in an extremely mature way & mostly copes well.

She has missed quite a bit of school, this term was the worst, but a lot of nasty viruses around & she was sent home from school several times, we don't keep her home for no reason, she loves school & the teachers assure me that even when she does miss school she catches up very quickly so not to worry.

I have a diagnosis of fibromyalgia amongst other things & it was mentioned by DDs diagnosing specialist that JHMS is closely linked to FM & shares symptoms - as a result seeing DD so ill over the Xmas period & beginning of term had me wondering if JHMS flares work in a similar way to FM - ie if you push through it, instead of shaking it off as you might a lot of other illnesses, it will make it worse & prolong the flare up which manifests as a flu virus would - so I have been open & queried if I was doing the right thing letting her go back to school when not yet 100% better, but I always feel under pressure to do so & DD wants to go back.

I do have health issues & I do struggle at times,but DD is my priority & i pride myself on making sure that in no way do my health issues impact on her, never later for school, never miss school unless she is really too ill, often with stomach issues & diareah - time off in January was all on the advice if our GP, which it usually is, diagnosed as viral & just unlucky.

DD understands my health problems are not serious, but can make things a bit difficult at times & for the most part she doesn't , no point in moaning everyday, life's too short & people have far worse to deal with - SN commented that perhaps DD did know & worried & that was the real reason for a bout of stomach trouble mentioned - I am so used to health problem I just get on with it, bar needing to rest, which I do during the day, it generally does not impact on my behaviour at all, I had migraine during the meeting, but they didn't know so I am confident this isn't the case.

We have a good solid happy family home, no issues at all, DH works away during school hours so they generally only see me & I deal with all family issues anyway, poor DH is knackered from early starts & long drive to work.

I just don't know what to think on this now, but feel I was caught on the hop & I am not at all sure this is a good thing, not sure there's anything to gain from it & though nothing to hide I really don't see why they need to know the ins & outs of my own health problems when I do not see how it can benefit DD

Advice appreciated please

Thank you :)

I've now just managed together a hold of the actual form that will be filled in by - I understood it to be the SN filling in to help me, but now see its a bloody assessment - it will be the 3 time she's met me, how the f* can she do an accurate assessment

The SN should be doing the assessment with you. The aim is to identify any unmet needs you or your child have. The form looks a bit nosey, but the sections about family life, etc should be filled in positively, as it sounds like you are managing extremely well under difficult circumstances.

There are so many agencies and services around who are there to offer genuine support to your family -should you want or need it. The CAF can be used to refer into these services, with all the relevant information in one place so you don't have to fill in countless forms and explain again and again.

Also, it's completely your choice. You don't have to get involved with the process if you don't want to, and could always withdraw your consent at any time.

Thank you for clarifying that, we've never needed to know about any of this sort of thing, so its a complete minefield to us.

I think I may have had the mystery solved a bit, seems DD has been crying to friends at school over my having upcoming surgery, this has shocked & upset me a bit TBH as we normally have such a good open relationship & she can & does usually talk to both DH & I about anything. The only reason she needs to know about the surgery yet is because I am trying to instill in her the need to do more for herself as far as organising herself for school, she's very capable, but can be a bit lazy with it at times & leaves it all to me, she does also have food intolerance issues, which her Dad isn't so good at understanding, he rarely cooks anyway & can be a bit rubbish as far a food hygiene goes, so my being laid up for a few weeks is a bit of a worry from that point of view, but DD is more than capable of helping, making her own packed lunches, making sure any food that is off goes in the bin & I've been going through that with her more so to get her used to it for when the need does arise in a few months time, but upset she wasn't honest with me though, but it maybe typical 10 yr old school yard dramatics, her friends often do similar & not really based on too much She is obsessed with all things medical though, it's her favourite TV subject & a recent appendicitis scare with her was quite an eye opener as to howmuch she had learned from it when she started chatting with the quite shocked Doctor in detailed medical terms asking how they were going to do the op - 2 ways apparently

Though if this is the reason as for as the school are concerned I feel its a bit of an over reaction & DD has been absolutely adamant that nothing about my health worries her enough to make her ill & its a onevoff anyway, I didnt go into detail, but spoke with her again as regards this last night & she was actually quite angry that anyone would think so she feels that they aren't believing her problems are real if they think its all down to her worrying - I didn't say that to her, that was her take on it, but I think that's not been helped by one staff member been quite dismissive.

What sort of help is it these things are meant to access ?? - I actually can't think of anything useful to us really, not via school/SN at least & I enjoy doing my bit, do don't actually want or need help as for as my health goes, bar op time, which we will be organised & have help for when the time comes

Thanks again

You are perfectly entitled to ask before having your family life invaded by strangers what the benefits to your child are of participating in this process?

e.g
Is it intended to empower her class teacher to be able reassure her when she gets a bit worried about her upcoming op? (not sure why this requires massive form filling rather than a 15 min chat)
Could you get home help paid for during your recovery period?
Do they wish to refer your child to one of the holiday playschemes for young carers, or provide short term childcare where the carer will need to understand your daughters disability?
Is it because this lady doesn't actually understand what your daughters disability is?
A statement guarantees her support at school - why is this lady not reccing that you pursue that route for your child?

You are also perfectly entitled to say "no thank you" if the queries above do not give you clear answers. If you are about to have an op and your child is already anxious then a swarm of strangers nosing into your personal business is going to be counterproductive unless very carefully managed and you should point this out.

I do have to ask though - why can't your partner pull his weight while you recover from an op? It's unfair to ask a stressed child to remember to put the moldy cheese in the bin from the fridge when there is a healthy grown arse adult in residence. Likewise as regards her food intolerances - she's 10 and he's her parent, high time he got with the programme.

I don't want to upset you, but I do feel these are questions outsiders are likely to probe if you go ahead with this process and thought you might appreciate the warning. If they feel that through no fault of your own, you are too ill to care for her properly for a time, and that your partner is unwilling to help, then their suggestions may wind up being ones you don't want to hear.

I agree with most of bochead's post, apart from the last paragraph.

I assume this is a reference to possible Social Care involvement? From what you are saying here OP, it would be a lot further down the road when SC would even be vaguely (sp) interested.

However, as bochead correctly points out, you have a capable DH to take over running the household while you recover. Doesn't understand DD's food allergies? Why not?? Doesn't cook?? Great opportunity for him to start learning - A bit rubbish about food hygiene - Wah???? I had to go back and read that bit 3 times! He definately needs a kick up the arse, not just for when you're recovering but for everyday family life! Sorry to rant at you OP, it's prob the last thing you need, but really??? He should start taking responsibility...

As for your DD's 'dramatics' - IME they're usually 97% true feelings, but a little smidgey bit of 'ooo, i'm getting nice attention doing this'? Could be wrong, obvs.

But as far as the CAF business is concerned, it doesn't seem appropriate in your case, unless the SN has some nice big steel toe-cap boots in her bag?

Good luck with the op rockinhippy, hope all goes well. Keep us updated

I had a Dad who in his attempts to recreate my mothers "British" cuisine deep fried my baked beans before pouring them over my breakfast toast when my Mum went into hospital, another time I stopped him putting cat food in my packed lunch sarnies - I'm still here & his skills had improved exponentially by the time she had my next sibling

Thank you for the further replies :)

I have now asked for clarification as to WHY CAF has been pushed on us & bar getting an explanation saying that in our area CAF comes into play when 2 bodies are involved with the ongoing care of a DC, in this case the 2 bodies being the school & SN - that in itself is a puzzle as thats been the case for DD for several years now, though with a different & IMHO more efficient SN the reply did clarify that they are not investigating us as a family, but that the form itself covers all situations & most of it doesn't apply to us at all. That said I STILL haven't had a response to a direct question as to what they hope to achieve by us going this route, so in the interim of getting that info, I have cancelled the CAF meeting & make a more informed decision based on that.

To update on the rest of it, DDs "being in floods of tears, crying over my having a "massive operation" in school, turns out to be a PITA & nothing to do with DD at all - turns out DD wasn't crying at all, she was chatting with her good friend & told her she was worried as I was in hospital having a test that day & it was a bit like an op, so might make me ill - another DC who is very over dramatic of late & has been driving my DD nuts, sadly so as they were good friends & her family are lovely, but DD has spoken a lot at home about finding this girls antics hard to bare, has to be the centre of attention for everything, though DD does also say she knows she's under a lot of pressure, so feels a bit sorry for her too, but not when she's screaming in DDs face etc.

Anyway, long story short turns out this girl has eves dropped on DDs conversation, exaggerated it out of all context & gossiped & gossiped to anyone who will listen, meaning I now have well meaning parents asking me if I am okay, what the op is & offering help - that wouldn't be so bad, but its of a very personal nature & not something I wanted out there as local gossip - I did think it odd, so DDs story makes more sense as at that point DD only knew about the test as I couldn't pick her up from school & thought I'd best warn her it was likely to make me ill for a few days - it did - DD is really cross, as she now realises that this girl & a group of others discussing a mum having a "massive dangerous operation & she might die" just after she spoke with her friend about my test - was actually about me - Gawd the dramatics of some 10 year old girls - worse still, this girl is a staff members DD,

My reasoning for getting my DD involved with helping DH with food when I DO go in for the op that I NOW know is certain, but no more until a follow up appointment with the surgeon - is that she is best occupied in situations like that, she will worry & fuss otherwise, but given a role she gets herself busy organising things, which she's very good at - & she hates her Dads cooking - your comment about your own Dads cooking did make me giggle Boc - DH will be taking time off work, so will be here & I'm sure he wont let me down, he hasn't done yet - though he is a sod with food hygiene as he has a cast iron stomach & can get away with eating stuff that would put the rest of us in hospital & he doesn't quite get it's not just me making a fuss about nothing, its dangerous - I'm not overly silly, I will happily eat out of date, provided it looks & smells fresh - he cant tell the difference to the extreme - I;'ve had food poisoning several times when he's cooked as a result, hence why he's only allowed to cook if I know the fridge is clear - but he does know food poisoning would be the worst possible scenario after this operation, so I do think he will take more care, but DD will enjoy kicking his bum & it will give her something else to think about :)

Thanks again for the info

forgot to add - I've got to admit, the scenic in me does wonder if theres potential funding involved for the school or SN ??

scenic = cynic - bloody Ipad

Oh, I forgot - DH has problems understanding DDs intolerances because they are quite complex - complex in that she can eat most stuff when she's well, but has to stay off wheat & dairy & have other bulking foods to help shorten an attack of IBS - she also can't tolerate artificial sweeteners & a lot of chemical additives, though she can tolerate some when she's well - it's the reason we've had to give up on school lunches - its generally down to watching her symptoms & catching an attack early to nip it in the bud with a change of diet - DD will be better to spot when - IYSWIM