Am I being over zealous?

[TICKLETUMBLE]

Minor problem going into school.

Ds has little raccoon toys that you get in a happy meal that he has asked to take into school to show his friends. We always avoid taking anything in as he focuses on it too much, distracts himself and others with it and is terrible possessive which can lead to playground issues (even taking in cardboard boxes and kitchen roll tubes for model making has caused problems in the past), and if/when its taken away to stop the issue he gets very upset.

So not allowed to take toys in. Today he had sneaked one into his bookbag and was trying to get it out to take into class without me seeing (not very good at being secretive or clandestine!!). As I had already said it was not Ok to take them in, (and he was trying to hide the fact he had done it anyway so its not like he didn't remember), I asked DS to give me the toy and I would give it back after school.

Ds then started stamping feet and shouting its not fair etc. We went to the quiet area and I talked to him about this (again) while he very purposefully looked at the ceiling/posters on the wall/ the library books lists. He said sorry (he's learnt that is what you do when you get talked to about things) and then proceeded to go and do a number of things in the class that are not allowed, being very huffy and threatening a tantrum when asked to stop.

He got 2 red cards today, and I feel like I gave him a bad start to the day over a stupid little toy.

I think I should be consistant and make sure he knows what is, and is not, allowed, but at the same time fell horrible for upsetting him and kicking the day off badly..................how much do you 'give' to ensure a pleasant useful day at school?

I know people say choose your battles, but honestly I cant see how letting him do exactly what he has been told is not allowed will be helpful.

Good point...its certainly a new skill, and never been devious before, so things are looking up !! ha ha !
It was the devious aspect that made me stand firm really, if he was bringing it having genuinely forgotten I had said no, then I might have reacted differently.

No dx yet but lots of sensory issues, motor skills delay and ADHD mooted - school have asked us not to bring things in as it causes problems.

The fiddle toy for consentration is a battle with school I have not yet even begun to work on....one teacher that immediately knew what DS needed did start giving him things to fiddle with for assemblies and carpet time, but the HT frowned upon it, and then that lovely teacher left...so no more fiddle toys at the moment.....bah

Dd used to take little figures to childminder before school but then it became a battle to leave them in the car when going into school. Have now compromised that they go in my car but they are not taken into childminders. Feel this is fairer because then childminder isnt faced with strop at school. If they were allowed in school I know she would be fixated and would throw a hissy fit when they were taken away. That said she is allowed some fidget toys during assembly and other tricky times during the day. She also has a basket of favourites that she can have for a certain amount of time when she has completed her work etc. agree you have to pick your battles but I think fwiw you did the right thing. If you had allowed the toy, he probably would have been asked to put it away at some point and fireworks would have ensued. Dd kicked off for a while but gave up after a bit when she could see it was non negotiable.

I might have let him get away with it, depending on how badly the inconsistency would go against him in the future.

Children need to be able to get away with things now and then, and it is better to allow them to do it when they think you don't know about it than when they know you do.

I'd stick to my guns. DS2 doesnt deal with ambiguity so needs to know that no means no, otherwise how will he judge when you really mean it.
I have however pretended I havent seen things & not mentioned it but once he knows I know IYKWIM then i have t follow through.
School rules is the one area we are firm about as it helps us all in the long run

thanks for all the input. Its a hard one and I am still learning.

Not having toys in school is a school rule, and anything any child brings in gets taken away until the end of the day so the same outburst would probabaly have happened anyway, just later with the TA or teacher.I was trying to avoid him having negative feelings about school I suppose.

he was allowed to have it in the car, and it would be there when he came out of school, which he had been happy with for three days...but yesterday the need to show his friends his new fluffy thing (it is a very tactile nice thing to hold and fiddle with i must admit) was overwhelming I guess.

Changing the rules seems to have a negative impact later as DS then questions all rules to see if they have changed too.

So basically it was a no win situation.......I wish it were different, but it isnt. I just hate seeing him get upset over so little and then having dificulties during the day as a result.

I like the idea of him having some victories though, so if he thinks I dont know maybe I can turn a blind eye occasionally!