Lying or denial - what to do?

[WilsonFrickett]

DS has twice told us lies about stuff that happened in school. The first time, there was enough doubt in my mind to let it go (they don't seem to notice when DS is in trouble the playground, so I'm a bit that things went down the way they said).

Yesterday though the teacher (who I trust) said DS had banged on the table and shouted at her.

In the interests of full disclosure, I read her note after a terrible hour where DS had refused to leave the park and had been a total meltydown nightmare (had changed routine) and I know I did over-react to the teacher's message on top of that.

But DS is flat out denying it happened. He didn't bang the table, he whispered so the teacher wouldn't hear, he isn't lying or fibbing, he is telling the truth etc etc.

What do I do about this? Is it just a fairly NT-type phase (in which case I should ignore, right?). Does he not understand the difference between truth and lying (I think he does, but I could be wrong). Is he just in deep denial because he knew he did something wrong but doesn't want to admit it? (There won't be any home consequences as I already piled them on for the park incident I don't 'punish' what happened in school).

I'm just a bit worried as I always trust DS implicitly - which can often involve going to bat for him at school. Thoughts?

Could it of been a moment of 'not remembering'? my Ds has done things eg reacted badly to a situation and denied that his teaction has happened even though we have seen said incident. But I do wonder sometimes if he really can not remember it so tells me the run up but doesn't acknowledge the thing that got him in trouble???????? I do ask myself this quite often.

oh bugger reaction not teaction, got fat fingers today

Would it be worth getting your DS and the teacher together with you to talk things through? Only you can tell if this would be helpful or add fuel to the fire though and obviously don't make things worse if it will make him meltdown. If they are in the presence of each other it is harder for one to lie in front of the other I think.

grin I genuinely think he just doesn't want to remember it. The previous incident was an empathy thing - just couldn't process that another child wouldn't want to do things the same way as him - but this one feels different. I did think he would admit it today when things were less heated.

beautiful that's not a bad idea, if I'd thought of it yesterday I would have done it but it's gone too far now I think. Meltdown central.

DS1 often gets reality confused with the world in his head and is prone to inventing his own version of things and really believes himself, even if I've seen evidence to the contrary for myself.

I tend to talk to him in the abstract about these sort of events. Sometimes he'll confess, sometimes he'll still insist that it wasn't him and there's little that he can do.

And, apart from the matter of respect, banging on a desk and shouting is pretty low down on the scale of things to make a huge deal about. (Well, it is for us, anyhow :()

DS1 has issues remembering the correct sequence of events and so it seems as if he is deliberately lying as he misses out what happened in the lead-up to for example DS2 throwing his toy car at DS1's head (enough 'provocation' to turn a saint) - even when I have been in the same room and been a witness.

It is difficult as I have also been out to bat for him at school only to have his account completely denied. There is always sufficient doubt in my mind that I don't feel confident in sticking to my guns.

When DS1 was 6 I can remember the shame of his telling the head, to whom he had been sent to explain why he wasn't working, that he had had nightmares the night before because he had watched Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Wererabbit. At that time I thought he was NT and was more concerned that he'd lied - and to the headteacher. Now I would be outraged that he was sent to the head for a manifestation of ASD. And I would know that to him he wasn't lying, he had seen the film about 6 months earlier and he was genuinely scared of the wererabbit. At the time this was also given as the reason he didn't flush the toilet - apparently that's when they attack. Now I use visual cues that don't work and so I just flush after he's been. Now I have a whole new kind of shame.

If its made important, back him even if you are not sure - your relationship with him is for life, teachers come and go.

Yes I get that with Ds PolterGoose when he has shouted and been asked to speak quieter and he looks miffed because he wasn't shouting .

YY polter I'm not so worried about the shouting as tbh he's not usually aware of how loud his voice is.

ouryve it's the lying/denying, rather than the incident itself.

My son is usually really honest. I have found , though, that he will lie if he is really frightened and doesn't really get why what he's done is so bad. In my book that would be pretty low down on the bad behaviour list too. Not sure how old you're son is ? But I would let it go and in our case my son will often tell me the truth at a later date when he's not so worried about the out come, you could then use it to gage if he's telling the truth next time? If you see what I mean .