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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

completely inappropriate comments- remaining polite

29 replies

Jimjams · 19/01/2004 14:53

What do you do when someone who you need to be polite to says/does something totally inappropriate.

For example this weekend SIL and her dh came to stay. Thye told ds1 off continually. SOmetimes appropriately, but often when he was being autistic. SO for example he was told off for "kicking" when actually he was stimming - and not told to stop (fair enough) but actually told off as if he was doing it on purpose. Then oushed off a lap with a gruff "go and play" (he was actually cuddling at the time). Apart from the fact he can't play- oh well.

The icing on the cake really was being asked whether we had every considered just giving him a good slap. Yes well that will help him talk won't it.

Sigh. The sad thing is ds1 wants to please so much!

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 19/01/2004 14:57

Oh they do sound a PITA. No suggestions other than asking SIL if a good slap would perhaps improve her understanding of autism? I'd be very annoyed too.

aloha · 19/01/2004 14:59

Oh, I'd hate that Jimjams! In fact, I hate people telling off other people's children all the time. They are guests in your house - it's not their place IMO, even if they were justified, which they aren't, of course. I think a quiet word early on, along the lines of, "actually when you told him off for X, he was doing Y and telling him off doesn't help and in fact, it's my policy not to do it." You've educated us lot, and it sounds like they need some serious educating. The bit about the slap is just totally unacceptable, and I wouldn't hesitate to say something like 'Well, I don't believe in hitting children, particuarlarly children with medical problems that they have no control over." And if it offends, well tough, they've offended you. I really feel for your ds too.

BekkiKay · 19/01/2004 15:05

I don't have a child with any diagnosed special needs but my ds is over friendly and very clumsy. He is constantly pushed away by other children and ignored by adults. Its distressing to watch but I wonder whether it hurts us more than it hurts them.
I think this is something that alot of parents can relate to as I'm constantly being advised by complete strangers on how to handle my son.
Don't let them upset you, I'm sure they don't give your son a second thought after they've opened their mouths.

katierocket · 19/01/2004 15:14

that's heartbreaking.
are they usually so inconsiderate? if I were you I'd not invite them back again (but then I'm being childish) Agree with Aloha though - bugger offending people in this kind of situation, tell them to pick on someone their own size. Surely as relatives they must understand ds1's autism?

Original poster

Jimjams · 19/01/2004 15:25

realtives are the worst! I remember when MIL was looking after ds1 and I told her not to bring him inside as the front door had to stay open- and he was obsessive complusive about shutting it at the time. She brought him inside, he lost it, peace regained when finally it could be shut. Her first comment? "I think that's because someone said no to him for the first time".

SIL wasn't so bad- it was her dh who was saying all the slapping stuff. They'd also do stupid things like would show him a camera but then told him off when he tried to touch it (it was being waved around in front of him within reach).

I just give up really.

OP posts:

Blu · 19/01/2004 15:28

Very distressing from people who ought to be on your side. As I presume the are your DP's relatives, have they ever had a detailed explanation of what autism is? I know it can be a hard thing to grasp, (although you'd think they'd have enough respect for you and your DP to take your word for it)and I hesitate before suggesting this (as I don't know exactly how authentic and well researched it is) but could you give them a copy of 'The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night Time' as a gift? I have just rad it, and thought that it was really interesting in helping us to see things from an entirely different point of view. I know it is about AS more than autism, but still.

Meanwhile, I think I'd be putting imaginary spells on them and avoiding their visits like the plague they are!

ThomCat · 19/01/2004 15:30

Perhaps you could suggest some reading material for her?
I'd feel more like ramming the book up her jacksy but that's not very constructive!
When a relative kept on asking me questions about DS and did it effect this and did it do that, i just suggested they may like to read a book on DS - The Facts - becasue I was an expert on Lottie not on DS. The same might work here.
Just explain to SIL that although it was great she felt comfortable enough in your home to be like this with your son(ahemmm !!! , that at times it was a little inappropriate and while you know she didn't mean to be anything other than be a good aunt perhaps this book might help her understand that he wasn't kicking he was stimming and so on.

The slap comment is incredibly difficult to take and I don't know what you can do about that other than grit your teeth and try and educate her as best you can.

katierocket · 19/01/2004 15:33

good suggestion from thomcat - I really can't believe that he had the cheek to say had you considered giving him a good slap. what the hell did you say to that?

hmb · 19/01/2004 15:55

Jimjams, tell me where they live, and I'll give them the slap???? It makes you weak that people can be so ill informed.

tamum · 19/01/2004 16:01

I particularly like www's idea that a ggod slap might help your SIL to understand autism

How utterly awful and insensitive. As if you didn't have enough to cope with at the moment.

dinosaur · 19/01/2004 16:04

How effing annoying!

Your poor DS1. I can't believe that he was actually pushed off someone's lap! Do they have children themselves?

StressyHead · 19/01/2004 16:06

message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 19/01/2004 16:13

How about giving her a good slap - honestly she should know better.

beetroot · 19/01/2004 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lazyeye · 19/01/2004 16:23

I must admit I find it very rude that other pple discipline my child if I'm there - even if they need it! and you have added reason to be annoyed.Quiet word??

coppertop · 19/01/2004 16:47

Jimjams - I have similar problems with my own family and know just how tempting it is to just tell them to p* off.
When ds1 was still a baby and would have been happy to have been left alone all day if I'd let him, one close relative told me that it was obvious that he had been neglected. Their 'reasoning' was that he was only happy to be by himself because he was used to it.
When he was about 2yrs old and having a complete meltdown my brother shouted at him to shut up (repeatedly) as though that would make a difference!
Even with a preliminary diagnosis my family are still in denial. Autism is something that only happens to other people, and saying that ds1 is autistic is just some bizarre form of attention-seeking on my part!

Maybe your SIL and her dh are in this same kind of denial. It may be that they just don't WANT to understand autism. In any case I think they have a real nerve telling off YOUR child in YOUR house when they are supposed to be guests. I loved the idea of giving SIL a slap to see if that would help her to understand!

expatkat · 19/01/2004 17:58

Hi Jimjams. Your story echoes what went on with me and my in-laws over new year 'celebration.' Of course your story has added poignancy because your ds was told off for acting autistic, and because he has such a strong desire to please.

But if you're interested, this is how I handled it. SIL's dh (they don't have children) was opining all day long about how we need to leave dd to cry more often. Ddwho, by the way, had recently endured an overseas flight, was off-schedule, and was feeling rather unwellwas uncharacteristically clingy and crying. They had NO knowledge of the bigger picture, but still saw fit to comment. In addition, SIL kept slapping dd's hand (dd is 16 months old) every time she picked up something that wasn't strictly one of her toys. I ignored this to keep the peace. But when SIL's dh said, for the umpteenth time, that dd is manipulating me and should just be left to howl, I said, "This is beginning to sound like criticism. Every child is different, every circumstance is different, and you simply don't have enough information to be saying what are saying." He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, as thought to say, "You don't want to hear from me, then you won't have to hear from me." Very adult--no?

I wonder: is it so bad to speak your mind? Is it so important to be polite when your in-laws are being so impolite?

How is it possible for them to be as clueless as they are? There is autism in my family and ALL relatives seem to have some understanding of the huge difficulties encountered daily by the child's parents. No one would DARE criticize or question their methods. Why do you feel you have to indulge your in-laws ignorance?

Maybe I was wrong to have spoken up to my sil's dh. But I just didn't feel that impolitenss should be again and again met with politeness.

maryz · 19/01/2004 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lou33 · 19/01/2004 18:43

Bloody hell Jimjams, my blood is boiling on your behalf! Sorry, but maybe it's them that needs a good slap, around the head with a book about autistic children and how NOT to deal with them.

I'm so sorry you had to endure it. Big hugs.

aloha · 19/01/2004 19:02

Expatkate - I think you were incredibly tolerant and reserved. If anyone slapped my child I'd be very, very tempted to slap them. the sheer bloody cheek of it takes my breath away.

eidsvold · 19/01/2004 19:06

very contructive people aren't they - yup I like the - do you think a good slap will help you not be so rude.

I just want to echo what everyone else said.... I did however send booklets to family and friends in Australia about Down's syndrome before we arrived - hoping they would have a read and make life a little easier for us - although dd was only eight months.

bossykate · 19/01/2004 20:28

jimjams, how awful, how did you stand it? poor little chap.

i agree with expatkat, i think they forfeit their right to politeness from you by their rudeness. would it be easier to get your dh to have the tough conversation with them since they're his relatives?

have they gone now? what did you say to them?

just save up www's line about giving them a good slap for next time...

nutcracker · 19/01/2004 20:39

I have no experiance at all of children with Autism but I hope I would be a lot more understanding if in the same situation. I know you don't wish to offend them but I can't see how sitting them down and explaining a few things would hurt. I would rather be told than get it wrong IYKWIM

fio2 · 20/01/2004 09:16

god relatives who'd have 'em? Definately think SIL's are the worst too. Personally I would just limit your time with SIL. Everytime my SIL comes round I end up getting wound up and drunk and then bitching about her when she goes home!

doormat · 20/01/2004 14:18

Jimjams what ignorant people.
I agree with the majority that it is she
who needs the slap.

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