DS with Apergers 11. Finding out which secondary school we've been allocated next week.

[Sunnymeg]

I wonder if anyone has any advice about how to deal with the day. Our LA sends the details by Email at midnight on 1st March. I'm really in a quandary about when to tell
DS. Do I tell him in the morning before school and risk a meltdown if we haven't got the one he wants to go to, or do I wait until he comes home after school and deal with it over the weekend. It just seems to me that it is going to be a lot for him to cope with on a normal school day. Nearly all of his class are going to the catchment school, whereas we have put down three schools outside our catchment area, on the advice of a friend of mine who works in educational support who told me not to even think about sending him to the catchment school. This means we have no idea which school we are going to get. We chose three schools citing medical reasons for our choice as these schools have good experience of children with Aspergers. I have met the SENCO's from all three schools and we are as happy as we can be with all three at this stage. So unless we get a school we haven't listed we won't look to appeal. DS has visited all three schools and liked one a lot more than the other two. This school is the most popular in our area and the one we have the least hope of, even though we put it as first choice. We have been honest with him about the chances of going there all the way along, but I fear a bad reaction if we don't get him in.

I feel for you. We were in a similar position last Friday, as ds has a statement and the LA were supposed to name his school by the end of the 15th. We chose not to tell ds that it was the deadline and he is still unaware, which is fortunate, because the LA still don't have a place for him.

Your position is a bit more difficult, as I guess all the children will be finding out their placements on the same day, so they will be full of it all day at school.

If it were my ds1, I think I would prefer to wait until after school and deal with any fall-out over the weekend, but then I'm not sure how he would handle it if he was the only one that didn't know for the whole school day.

The only thing I did think was, is midnight on 1 March not Friday night midnight, rather than Thursday night midnight? In which case no-one will know before the weekend anyway. I'm sure I read something on the secondary education board about LEAs doing this so that they aren't barraged with appeals and complaints the minute the placements get released. Might be worth asking on the secondary ed board or even ringing admissions to ask, if you're not sure, as it lets you off the hook if it's Friday night.

Hi

It is Friday am. So his classmates will know where they are going.

Hmm, that makes it much tougher then.

With my ds I would probably tell him in advance that we would look at the email together after school, so he'd be prepared to not know even though the rest of his friends would know theirs. That way we could handle whatever the email says at home and hopefully have got him to either accept or deal with it by the time he has to go back to school on the following Monday.

I think I'd leave it until after school too. It will be far less rushed and he'll have more time to process the news.

FWIW when my ds1 (now Yr8) was at this stage, hardly anyone in his class seemed to know where they would be going. No-one really talked about it and compared until the following school day.

DS1 was transfering into the year 7 at the village middle school whilst his classmates were going to high school across the county border. He knew where he was going but did not want to go and so he said he didn't know. He obviously thought this was a good answer but it created lots more questions not only from classmates but from staff 'what do you mean you don't know where you are going? Didn't you get the email?' etc.

If you don't tell DS you run the risk of the mother of all meltdowns following a day of being unable to answer questions on the big topic of the day.

That's what I was worried about Keepon, which is why I think I'd tell him that we would open the email together after school. That way he can say to anyone that asked that he is finding out after school, rather than just that he didn't know.

It's looking like ds won't know where he is going when all his friends get their placements. I'm really because with his levels of anxiety and need to know what's happening, he actually needs to know more than most nt children.

He has an interview with the independent school we want him to go to this week, but who knows when any news of an offer will filter down to us via the LA.

He doesn't know that the local academy rejected him out of hand - as they did every child who has a statement. He wanted to go there with his best friend and all the classmates he's been with since nursery, but in all honesty, we're now pretty sure he'd never cope. We've told him that the LA will decide which school will be better able to support him and send him to that school. He's definitely going to be upset when he finds out he's not going to the Academy with all his classmates, but I think he knows in his heart, because he's refused to go a performance the academy is putting on next week.

My son is in the same position. He has ASD and he is statemented. Since december 2012, I'm fighting to get him a place in his chosen secondary school for admission september 2013. (LEA Bromley. Kent). Despite 2 letters of refusal from the school, we found out 2 weeks ago than the LEA has name the school of our preference in the statement and we have just received the final statement a week ago. The joy didn't last long as I have contacted the school who told me that they feel like appealing to the secretary of state against the LEA's decision! (because this is an academy and they re not subject to the same law as decribed code of practice)So I still don't know what will happen and while the 3rd march all his friends will know where they are going in spetember my son will still be waiting! he is anxious by nature so he doesn't need that really.
I'm thinking now of taking legal advice. What a worry!

moose - would you actually open it together or would you read it as soon as he had left?

Sunny's DS prefers a particular school. Excited anticipation before disappointment if he doesn't get a place may make the disappointment seem more acute. I would view it as similar to removing a plaster - get it over and done with and then deal with the fall-out.

Will disappointment be any easier to deal with if you have all weekend?

zazoo40, so sorry you are going through this as well.

We took the decision not to fight the academy, as this particular school is a force to be reckoned with and we felt that if they didn't want him there, the likely outcome would be them deliberately failing to properly support him, resulting in him being unable to cope and ultimately, either us having to remove and homeschool him or them ending up excluding him.

What we have been told by the LA is that by refusing ds and being so adamant that they can't meet ds's needs, the academy has effectively ensured that neither can any similar sized ms secondary and this has actually helped us to get him into the out of area independent school that is perfect for his needs. The LA didn't even bat an eyelid when we asked them to change our first choice the the independent and sent the paperwork straight off to ask them to confirm they are happy to be named.

It might be worth looking around your area at some independent schools and if you find a good one, telling the LA that as they obviously can't place him in one of their ms secondaries you expect them to fund a suitable independent placement.

Definitely take legal advice though, fighting this on your own is massive.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice, but I feel like fighting for it although the academy has been named 8 times against their will so competition will be fierce!(dixit the headteacher). Got worried so I phoned the Headteacher last week. He told me that despite their refusal if my son were to go there eventually he will be welcomed as any other child.
Independant school, I have one nearby but I can't afford it unfortunately!

It would be very, very handy if, that morning, you thought he was a little off-colour and found he needed a duvet day to cure whatever lurgie was lurking.

KeepOn, I would open of course absolutely wait until he came home from school and open it together.

Seriously though, I'd need to read it first to prepare myself for his reaction.

Your plan sounds like a good one for some dcs. It wouldn't work with ds1 unfortunately, as he would need me to help him handle the emotional fall-out - given that his school can't even meet his basic needs, let alone deal with his anxiety and poor emotional literacy.

I have had ds at the GPs again this morning. He's coughing to the point of being unable to breath, sleeping deeply (which isn't at all like him) yet exhausted, an odd pale green colour with red-rimmed eyes, is running to the toilet literally 4-5 times an hour and keeps asking me why everything looks and feels strange.

GP says chest is all clear, has upped his asthma meds sightly, but both he and we are pretty sure it's all anxiety/stress related and that a good dollop of that is to do with all this secondary transfer stuff. Doctor said he is very concerned about him and thinks he/we need to keep a close eye on him. He's back there again next Friday for a follow up.

Despite all this, no-one will refer him to CAMHS, as they won't see him - because it's school related. Paed bounced it back to EP, who said all she can offer is to come and have a chat with me about 'mindfulness' and relaxation. My Mum is a psychologist, specialising in transpersonal therapy - her little finger knows more about mindfulness than the blooming EP will ever know. Yes, it's school related anxiety, because we manage things to keep his anxiety under control at home and he is secure and happy here, so because we are good at supporting our son and school isn't they won't help, because his stress and anxiety is only school related. Apparently, if the source of the problem, (ie school failing to implement statement - plus - the LA and Academy screwing up secondary transition) was removed he would no longer be anxious, therefore it's not classed as a MH issue.

Zazoo, the LEA will be funding my ds's place at independent school, because they are unable to meet his needs within any their own secondary school placements. If you end up in a similar position, you could tell your LA you expect them to do the same.

Mareeya - that was my first instinct as well. I think I would be tempted to open the email at midnight, check the contents and then take a judgement call on how 'ill' ds might be feeling that day.

Wouah! I didn't know I could ask the LEA to do that. There is an open day the 09th march in the independant school nearby. I shall visit and meet with the SENCO.
In the meantime I will contact my lawyer about the next procedure if the school appeal against the LEA.
In adition I shall seek for an answer from the headteacher to find out whether or not they will appeal. Hope to know by the end of next week.
What a stress!

Moose, if your ds had university or work related anxiety, he'd be seen, right? Have you tried asking CAMHS and the commissioners how this age discrimination is justified under the equalities act?

IAPT had to be opened up to over-65s recently

To be honest Mareeya we have just been going round in ever decreasing circles trying to get just one of the 'professionals' who are supposed to be supporting him to stick their neck out and ruffle some feathers.

He's already been rejected by CAMHs once - that time it was because they 'don't do ASD related anxiety'. Apparently they have now had their knuckles rapped for that, so they are coming up with different reasons. He kind of fits the criteria for complex needs, but they are insisting that because the source of the stress and anxiety is school, it's their job to sort it out - completely ignoring the fact that it's because the school refuses to support him that he's in this state in the first place. No-one will listen.

CAMHS will insist it's not age discrimination, because they are refusing to see him not based on age, but because the anxiety is only relating to one are of his life and therefore not classed - under their criteria - as a mental health problem. It makes absolutely no sense at all, especially when a lot of what he's becoming more and more anxious about is the social side of school. He is getting more and more left behind by his peers socially and constantly coming home upset and confused about what's gone on at break/lunch/in the changing rooms that day. Of course this social anxiety only shows relating to what goes on at school - he doesn't socialise outside of school - other than a pokemon league, which is of course full of other children who also have ASD, no social anxiety there, as it's all games that are rules driven.

We are just supporting him as best we can, hoping to get him through the rest of this year in one piece, then hopefully starting again at a school that is excellent at understanding and supporting pupils who have an ASD.

Zazoo - good luck, I'm glad I was able to help a little bit.

It might be worth your while looking for a solicitor that specialises in Educational Law, particularly SEN law, as it's an absolute minefield, so you really need someone on board who knows their stuff.

Yes, Will surely do. Keep you posted with what will happen. Will know better it the next couple of weeks. (hopefully).
Thanks you

Just sending a honk. We are also waiting for the results too. Dd has aspergers and is on school action plus. We have gone for catchment secondary which appears to have a good reputation for asd. All secondary schools are oversubscribed here and if too many apply from catchment we could end up with no school. We have already started preparing Dd for transition so it will be a disaster if she doesn't get a place. Keeping fingers crossed for everyone waiting. What a difficult time of year.

DS2 has Asperger's, ADHD and exceptional giftedness. School action plus but no statement. We also find out on 1st March, but the email comes between 5pm and 6pm.

There is only one secondary that would be a good fit and that would meet his needs. Fortunately he meets two of the admissions criteria (possibly three depending on the other children applying), so I'm feeling fairly confident about allocation day.

The thought of actually sending him off to secondary school in September is a different matter. I'm hoping to start a thread for support and tips, so hopefully see some of you on there.

Thanks for the support and honks, as you say many of us will be treading the rocky road of transition. I think I may find out what we have been allocated and then decide when to tell him. This may involve whispered conversations with DH next friday morning, before DS gets up. We are fairly rural, so our chosen schools are over 10 miles away from our catchment one, so whichever school we get will have its own issues and things we need to sort out.

What a good idea to have a secondary transition thread. Im increasingly anxious if Im honest and really don't know if we are going to get dd out of the house and on the school bus - she does not do buses or change or lots of people... Im trying to portray calm and positive. Can we do virtual hand holding?

I was going to wait till 1 March, but no time like the present...

Here is the link (hopefully) to the support thread for secondary transition 2013:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1690589-Children-starting-secondary-in-September-2013-support-hand-holding-tips-and-advice

I'm here to hold your hand. My 10yo DS1 (probable Aspergers) is waiting for school allocation too.

We are waiting to see if he has got the Grammar school (that really IS the best placement for him), or the local Academy (ok, but huuuuge, and not great with extending the top sets).

We do have good grounds to appeal a 'no' from the Grammar, his score was 'borderline', but he dropped around 20 marks (going by a boy in his class, working at a lower level than DS1, but scoring 20 marks higher) because he was still very ill from strep throat, AND he had the startings of appendicitis (11+ on Wednesday, in hospital with appendicitis by Friday, appendectomy early Saturday morning!).

I have no nails left.

I have STILL got no clue whether to tell him in the morning or after school. I think it will depend on what school is allocated!

If he gets the Grammar that his heart is set on, I'll probably tell him in the morning. If not, then after school, I think!