Tips wanted to stop me joining in the meltdowns.

[kyz1981]

Half - Term hell has started well before my DD even starts reception, I am after hints and tips as to how to manage as my sanity has left me already and I'm very shouty and short tempered as I can't take anymore crying/screaming and my DD not giving a Shit about how much she upsets her brother.

My DS 2.9 - Probable ASD- (no functional lang, very little receptive lang) and his big DS 3.5 are a nightmare.

We normally have a very structured week term time, as DD attends preschool mon to Friday and DS attends Nursery a few afternoons so DD gets 1-2-1.

However My DS can not cope with this change, he is also under the weather, DS is screaming for a lot of the day, his sister keeps moving things that DS sees and then gets very very upset and tries to put the item back in its place, she rather enjoys this so is doing it all the time, flaunting it in his face. She is also touching his Night garden toys, taking parts of his Ninky Nonk or putting her happyland in the Ninky Nonk sending DS in top total meltdown to the point he is crying so much he is being sick.

DS will fight me hell and High water atm when trying to strap him in to a car seat or pushchair and once in the car will scream because everything's out of order- so going out anywhere is a no no with the pair of them because even if we went for a walk he would need to be in a pushchair. Attempted a short trip yesterday and it took me so long and I got kicked and things whilst try to strap him in - I can't do that with both of them- its too much at the moment- (he normally hates it but never fights like he did yesterday- so I am taking it as a sign that he is totally overwhelmed).

I had planned loads of at home activities for DD and baking, painting, planting seeds etc, but this keeps her attention for minutes - then she is back to winding up DS who is so frazzled he just can't cope and spends a lot of the time laying on the floor crying. ( DS is normally happy when left in peace to line up and sort out his Night Garden things) .

I talk to my DD and offer her lots of things to do/ make/ help with, and tell her off take her to time out but nothing works atm - she is really acting out and has been like this for 2 weeks now.

I can't wait for this week to be over and for my DC to be apart - feeling like this makes me feel rubbish and crap as I feel I have lost all control over any of my parenting skills and my emotions as I am so worn out and its only Tuesday.

Hi bless you, they are quite difficult ages even without the SN. It is chronically difficult but I think the answer is to remain calm. I know this is MUCH easier said than done. I have a 5 year old diagnosed ASD and a 9 year old. It is very difficult to balance the week. Yesterday we had friends but that means my 5 year old tends to slope off on his how. Today we are at home and tired! Going to to do some baking with them, though they are happy just mooching at the moment. I don't really have many words of wisdom but what I will say is that both my kids between 3 and 4.5 were the most difficult ages ever! Things have got easier, even though my 5 year old does have SN, he's just more chilled and enough understanding is there to be make things that tiny bit easier. Do you have anyone that can come over and give you a break or even just have a coffee and commiserate with?

I think trying to keep them apart is the best option atm and the only one that would allow me to stay calm.

Going over to Friends is a bit of a no no as DS would pretty much loose control in a bouncing off the walls falling over, hyper, screaming, flappy, stimmy world - he has Major Sensory issues and when in a new environment- he gets like this at my MIL and we go there once a week.

When we have friends over here DS gets very upset and will try and get them to leave- this involves him taking there bags to the front door, giving them the shoes, and sometimes trying to push them to the door - failing that he just cries.

My DM is working and my DH is self -employed and can't afford to take time off.

I have decided I am going to put him in nursery tomorrow afternoon and my DD in on Thursday afternoon and then DS again on Friday morning- Can't really afford to but I can't cope with this, That and making a cup of tea and having a conversation with the chickens at the back door.

If you aren't getting dla , claim it now, will help with the nursery costs

and tbh, I went to the dr and got meds so I'd be a bit more able to avoid joining in the meltdowns (the dc need a mum with the patience of a bona-fide saint and I simply don't have it, so thought i'd better get some rent-a-halo from a pharmacy )

Thanks I am midway in to filling DS DLA forms in and have been trying to get some help filling them in or at least checking them over, NAS were beyond Useless tried the local branch- someone promised to get back to me- did not, DS Pead said to ask HV to check it over- she states she has no idea but will happily look over the form, next step is contact a family or the carers group at the doctors surgery- I just really hate the forms- not sure if I have worded them right and its really important as we need to buy him some OT equipment at home and Pay for weekly SALT as even NHS says he needs this but she can't even promise to see us once a month at the moment due to her workload.

I keep the GP Idea (meds) in my head all the time and evaluate it every time the shit hits the fan, my only worry was I had some Anti-D's when I was a teenager and not sure if it was the meds or just me but has a really bad reaction to them and totally lost the plot-much more research has been done and said drug is no longer given to teenagers anymore because of the risks - but it has made me very cautious of drugs that can change the way the brain works. I am generally ok Term time as I get a break from my DD and my DS and can function well as I can- The hardest thing I find is being so Isolated and I really wish my DS would get better with this as a run round a field 20 times would do us all some good- and would stop things being moved around the house and tire DD out and staring at the same 4 walls is not good for any ones mood.

I guess when I check in on FB and see all the pics updates of Farms/Parks/Swimming in half term I just feel like shit.

why d'you think i'm on here & not fb

I know exactly what you mean - my usual life is stressful but copable with, however, holidays are a total nightmare. To give you some background, I have a DD 3.5 (NT) and a DD 6 who has been diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay which appears to basically mean that she's got a bit of every disability going but is fairly severly behind, has regular melt-downs, is still in nappies, has a statement and attends a special needs school. I am a single parent and although my exDH supports us financially, he doesn't in any other way and hardly ever sees the DCs. He has only ever had them on his own for a weekend twice and we've been split for three years. I desperately try to do normal things with my children during the holidays but it's so difficult. I don't really have any friends because other people find us stressful to be with as well, I'm sure. I've just had the most horrendous half term trying to camp in our motorhome but both DC were ill with bug, plus DD 6 has impetigo which meant we couldn't swim in the indoor pool at the campsite. I've come home and am looking into trying some kind of herbal meds because I'm so frazzled. I used to have paid help and I think that's how I have to go forward (with a bit of scrimping and saving just for the holidays) if I am to keep my sanity. Just so you know you're not alone... sometimes it helps to hear other peoples horror stories! This might not help in your situation, but something I have found invaluable is my National Trust membership. I often take my two to a National Trust property just to walk around the gardens. They're usually huge so you don't have to worry too much about irritating other people (melt-downs) and they usually have some sort of play activitiies in the garden for little ones, even if it's just a straw bale maze or an old tractor. I can't really take mine to a play park, for instance, unless it's tiny, because they go off in different directions and both need supervision at all times. Anyway, it's a thought...

Oh, and btw, I was totally confused when I looked at the forms for DLA and on the recommendation of my portage worker, I got in touch with Contact a Family who sent a lady to my house to help me fill in the forms. She was totally brilliant. She also sorted carers allowance for me which you may be entitled to if you're not working.

Definitely use the cerebra guide to fill out the DLA forms it gives you very clear guidance for each question. Not sure I would got it without using the guide. Also I sent a copy of every single professional report or letter I have regarding (cost me a fortune in photocopying!)

Thanks I have used the Cereba Guide and it has really helped, but I am unsure if I have worded it right as I have been told to compare him to a typical 2.9 yr old, so do I compare him in the forms - for example my DS eats non-food stuffs and would eat things out of the bin, his poo anything- so do I say this is something a typical 2 yr old would not do in writing or can just assume that they will have an idea about that- He has quite clear issues and these are all in his reports and I have gone into details about his routines and rituals.

Thosewerethedays- I get you - that is so me, my DS is probable ASD (awaiting Salt) with Low Tone, SPD and Motor planning/Auidtory processing difficulties and is probably developmentally a 9 month old baby apart from some areas of development are at age so a somewhat spikey profile.

It Must be so hard doing it by yourself - I am very lucky my DH is so patient and good with my DS and has even been up all hours cleaning his smearing.

Holidays bring me out in a cold sweat - I am not even going to entertain them this yr the overload Ds to such a degree that it takes him ages to regulate even once back in to a routine.

I can take DS out to certain places -(1 garden center, post office, and the Zoo if he is happy to stay in his buggy) 1-2-1 as long as I am watching him the whole time, he runs off and has no sense of danger and things that catch his attention are :anything fast paced - inc cars/dogs/swings, he would step off a climbing frame with no fear and when he is in overload anywhere unfamilliar he looses balance and falls a lot, he is like an excited puppy, but this is getting harder and harder to manage the stronger he gets.

The national trust sounds good I will keep that in mind for Easter.

I have decided as sad as I am to just going to take DD on days out such as the Beach, PP world and things and leave DS with my mum as he can't cope and re-evaluate next yr- I am hoping as he gains language he will tolerate more.

Its getting clearer to us now that our friends are starting to leave or make excuses, Close friends of my DH - have invited my DD to there DD's party but made it clear by Text that DS would not be welcome- I got angry but was more sad really, the irony is we would not have taken DS it would have been far to much for him, I just wish that we were given that choice to make, I could have fallen out with them but it is one of my only DD's playmates and although she is a handful at the moment -she is so looking forward to it.

I feel your pain! My 7yr old dd who has aspergers is in a terrible state during the holidays. She and her nt 5yr old sister do not get on well with free time at home. I have to tell them exactly what the plan is for the day but yours are a bit young to remember although maybe a now, next, ,later picture board could be useful. I have seen them on e bay. We write down what is happening every day on a planner and stick it on the fridge.
Do they like soft play? We have 2 soft plays near us that hold autism support groups early evening exclusively so they are fairly quiet. We also have 2 special needs soft/sensory play centres that can be booked and are affordable occasionally. If we go to regular soft play we are there at opening time, it is always really quiet until about 10.30-11 and by then we are ready for home. They seem to cope and enjoy better when it is quiet. All the best to you x

Regarding the DLA form I would put something along the lines of DS requires constant supervision during the day as he frequently eats non food items, including eating items from bins and his own foeces and is at risk of choking or eating something that will make him ill.

I wouldn't write anything about comparisons with NT children his age. I used the words, frequently and significant a lot!

Catsdontcare - Thankyou - so much- my form will be ready to send off next week - that is kind of how I have written it already but just needed to check that it was ok to do it like that.

And a big thanks to everyone who replied - I am feeling so much better to have made it to almost bedtime- I don't think I would have kept it together as well as I did had I not had you guys!- DH will bring choc home with him and I am going to eat rubbish food and refuel ready for tomorrow, I am really thankful I have booked them in to nursery.

I have also decided I am never going to go through the holidays in a typical fashion so why try and pretend to? I may look for a cheaper/ alternative to nursery for Easter and recruit/Beg some family help and look into babysitter or even a student to take on trips out and things and try and get DS using a basic PECS timetable so to prepare him a bit better.