Encouraging independence?

[Aspiemum2]

Ds1 has aspergers. He is 12.
I am wondering at what age you started encouraging independence?

I am aware all children are different but just a general idea.

So far he walks the 5 minutes to and from school himself. He has been doing this successfully for nearly a year.

He is able to do chores around the house unsupervised and is generally pretty good and trustworthy now.

At this age I would probably allow a NT child more freedom though so I'm worried I'm being overprotective. I'm talking about things like going to the park alone or having a key for the house if he gets home before I do (doesn't happen often but it has a couple of times and he has just waited out the front with his friends whose mum does get home later than them)

What sort of freedom does your dc have? The park thing worries me because he gets picked on and it ends up with his younger sister running home to get me .

Ds (12) walks to and from school alone, but it's a familiar and safe route.

He has a door key attached to the inside of his blazer pocket with a long stretchy keyring, similar to these ones. It means that he can't leave the key in the door by accident when he comes home.

He's not really interested in going out to the park, so I haven't had to deal with that one yet.

He likes being allowed to go to the shop by himself, or to be allowed to go and pay for things by himself if we're out and about. That took quite a bit of building up to but he's pretty good at that now.

Thanks coppertop, is he in the house long by himself?

At that age I was home alone all day in the holidays. I'm not suggesting that length of time but it would be nice for him if I could let him stay home sometimes - like if I nip to the shops or the twins have a dr appt. Maybe about an hour?

I'm not really sure what I'm worried about, he would probably just sit and play his games consoles!

I'm just worried about him getting some daft idea in his head, like mowing the lawn to get in my good books . I think I might be talking myself out of it!

Ds has been at home alone for about 30 minutes or so. That's mainly because he tends to flop into a chair and stay there. He doesn't get hungry so there's no chance of him hurting himself or burning the house down while making a snack. His biggest risk of injury would be RSI from playing with his 3DS or on Minecraft. :o

Ds2 (10) would be a different story entirely.

I faced this with the move to secondary with my 2 ASD DC. They had to be able to leave the house on their own, catch the bus to school and get themselves home as there was no wrap-around care.

There have been a few issues (missed buses, lost keys etc) but as long as they have their phones I can usually talk them through it. My neighbour has a spare key and is a point of contact in an emergency!

With DD12 was about the right age. Though I DID have the major collywobbles after she forgot to get off the bus coming back from the supermarket.

A mobile helps. They can be taught that if they are lost, worried or stressed, they can call you.

Do map out their route to wherever they are going first.

DD is now almost 15. She FINALLY managed to go to town with a friend (with no adult) just after Christmas. She was 14y10m by then. She just wasn't ready before that, it was still hard for her, as she has a tendency to have meltdowns in crowds...

DD had to come home to an empty house as soon as she started Secondary school, as the Secondary is only a 7 min walk from the house, whereas the Primary my younger DS's are at is a 30 min bus journey...

It was hard for me, but she had set 'rules' which made it easy for her - do NOT open the door to anyone, you can only eat a packet of crisps and a piece of fruit from the fruit bowl, you may listen to music on the TV but the volume stays at 14 or less...

The set rules help, and she still sticks to them even now at nearly 15yo!

I am dreading this with Dd3(10), she is so not ready and only has one more yr at primary!

I recently allowed her to walk to school from a point which was very close with another child, he wouldnt wait for her and she ended up alone and

I was so upset that I thought she had been with someone and actually she was alone. So now we have to face doing it again sometime.

It is the roads that scare me around the secondary school, it is so busy with parents in chelsea tractors dropping off their little treasures but being totally unaware of the other children. Scary stuff

Slightly different angle here as ds is home educated so we've had more scope to work with independence than he'd have had at school.

He's 14 now but we started public transport training when he was about 11. Started off by getting two buses to shopping mall then a good wander around to familiarise with the layout (normally he walks around in oblivion so doesn't notice these things). We got maps from the information desk and after a couple of weeks I'd send him off to WHSmith or wherever to do an errand and meet him 15 mins later. Totally agree that phones help with this - you can stay in touch and be there if they need support.

I moved on to giving him a list of things to do while I sat and had a cuppa - he'd keep me updated by phone and meet me when he was done.

Then we started on the buses, checking out timetables and bus stands. Did it together first, then I suggested he get the bus ahead of me and I caught up with him on the next one ten mins later. Huge beamy face to greet me, really proud that he'd done it by himself .

Soon he was getting the bus himself for short errands - sometimes just to buy the newspaper - and he built up his confidence for the route. After that we started introducing new routes with the odd variation to see how he'd cope. Having the phone always with him meant he soon learned how to manage with the unexpected.

I think they key was to do it little and often, a trip out every week or so, and build on experience and confidence gained. It wouldn't have been so successful if we'd just done it occasionally. Ds needs lots of practice and repetition for new things to fall into place.

He's great now, really confident and nothing much fazes him. He regularly gets the bus and Metro into town to go to activities and clubs, and more to the point he expects this to be the case and doesn't rely on lifts. He'll stay at home on his own no problem but I have to leave measureable work behind for him otherwise (like Coppertop's lad) the Xbox would get a good run for its money .

Tbh I've been astonished at what ds can do when he's out on his own and has to think for himself. Kids like ours will rely on us when we're with them but a lot of them are very capable when given the opportunity. I do understand how hard it is to let go though, the first time. I was crapping myself the first time ds went into town on his own, but he was fine .

I did the same as streaky. Bus together talking through the steps. Same bus but separate (if you know what I mean!), then on the bus alone, me following.

Always talked through back-up plans and we also 'safe spaces'. Eg in this part of town, if you are frightened or worried go to the public library, in another it is the council sports centre.

My youngest is 14 with ASD manage all his Christmas shopping alone last year The presents were a bit strange , but it was worth it for the big step in independence :).

It is hard to let go, but it is so important.

Thank you so much for your replies, they have given me a lot of ideas. Streaky my ds is the same with needing practise and repetition.

I'm going to use this thread to formulate a plan moving forwards and feel heaps more confident now I have these ideas to go by

I like the thought of sitting with a cuppa whilst sending him off on errands - oh yes, I like that a lot

I think also if I left a list for him getting home he would go through it ticking them all off and it wouldn't occur to him to deviate. I would probably have to write "any problems - call mum" on every other line as he reads in order and so if its at the top he wouldn't go back to it and if it is at the bottom he might not get to that bit!

Sure I will figure it out, thanks again for all your help - a lot of the ideas would be good for NT children as well

Streakys "travel training" is more or less what my mum did with me when I was 11/12. It worked. I managed to travel to secondary school on 2 buses each way and go up to the city centre on errands . I was probably more confident roaming around the city centre than some of my seemingly more streetwise peers who hadn't been "trained".

UniS I agree about increased confidence. Ds goes places on his own that would freak out a lot of kids of the same age who tend to travel in packs. Being able to get around on public transport isn't that much of a big deal but when they do it together they rely more on each other and tend not to take responsibiilty for the 'big picture' of looking after themselves.

As I said upthread, ds finds ways to problem-solve that I'd never have thought possible unti he tried it. On one shopping venture he realised that he hadn't picked up the money I'd left out for him for the errands I'd asked him to get, but didn't notice until he was in the shop and ready to pay. It didn't faze him at all - he just paid with his own money then texted me to explain, met me earlier than planned to get it back then went on his merry way. They're a lot more resourceful than we think, if we give them the chance to be, and as long as there's a safety net in place 'just in case'.