Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

Original poster

ADHD - people judging

23 replies

clare40 · 10/02/2013 17:03

My gorgeous ds is very likely to be diagnosed with adhd. I have known for a long time there was more to his behaviour than just being s boy. Now he is in yr1 the school also recognise he is unable to concentrate and he is very impulsive, and struggling with friendship.

I'm so upset by everything - the fact that we have had go see someone - that my little man struggles on a daily basis, that school life may always be a challenged for him. I know there are a million other things he could have that are far worst or life threatening, but I can't help but feel just sad.

The other thing I have been totally taken back by his people's attitude. I've had "there seems to be a label for everything these days", "I don't believe adhd - he just needs discipline, boys should be allowed to be boys". It seems as if even highly educated people think its a made up problem!! I feel do angry when I hear this because why on earth would I want my son to have a problem?!

No sure if anyone can help, bug I just needed to vent.

OP posts:

Original poster

clare40 · 10/02/2013 17:04

Sorry about the typos - I'm on my phone!!

OP posts:

PolterGoose · 10/02/2013 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magso · 10/02/2013 17:28

Sorry your little lad is likely to get this diagnosis. I sometimes gave a scientific explanation rather than the name ADHD (whittle on about neurotransmittors). I found the people most likely to be thoughtlessly predjudiced had no idea what ADHD actually is!

MadameSin · 10/02/2013 18:32

Clare40 This will be the hardest part for you, the dx. After that, it will settle down. I can remember being in a very dark place around that time, I felt so alone, like an island. The thing is, your ds won't suddenly become something else just because a professional has given him a 'label'. You will have to be your ds's advocate .. especially at school. I don't tell people my ds has ADHD cos there are so many ignorant peeps out there. Even teachers have amazed me with their stupidity on the subject. Only close friends and family know about my ds. You must and will become his voice, as you know him better than anyone. Don't ever let the school tell you he's something you know he's not! - they love to do that. Make sure you are on their case, in a nice way, and have regular catch ups with his teacher. Yr1 was the year it was suggested my ds had 'problems' ... 5 years down the line and things aren't as bad as I thought they would be. Our children have boundless energy, great wit, enthusiasm, intelligence and empathy and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. ADHD can be a gift, in a perverse way and it's our job as parents to steer them in the right direction to take full advantage of all their abilities. Good luck!

Original poster

clare40 · 10/02/2013 20:06

MadameSin, thank you so much for your kind words and it's good to hear your son is doing well. Did you go down the medication route? If so, please could you tell me about that? If not, what has helped? We have tried diet and supplements with little effect.

Magso - Great suggestion. Our Consultant spent a lot of time explaining about neurotransmitters, and I realised that it must be so hard for him to concentrate like everyone else.

Poltergoose - thank you :-)

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 10/02/2013 20:20

No advice for you, I'm afraid, just an "I know how you are feeling". I am expecting diagnosis of combined type ADHD for my 7 year old DD this week, and am a whole host of emotions at the moment

crazygal · 10/02/2013 22:16

oh god have been there and we are still there!!
our ds was dx 3 yrs ago adhd..everyone said the same...oh he's just a boy...they made me feel that I couldnt cope!!
But at xmas we got an Aspergers dx...and the difference with that dx!! they say,awwww really!! sorry to hear that!! and I just want to say oh fuck off!! how come you don't believe in adhd,that's been about longer aspergers...don't get it!
It drives me mad!
I have been told by some friends who have dc with adhd that you learn to grow a tough skin...

BarryShitpeas · 10/02/2013 22:19

Family Links do a really useful parenting course aimed at children with ADHD.

BarryShitpeas · 10/02/2013 22:20

Sorry, not at children, at PARENTING children with ADHD. If there run one in your area, I'd really recommend it.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 10/02/2013 22:41

Hang in there..and ignore the ignorant (or blind them with science..I like that!)
There are a lot of amazing people out there with ADHD you know.. and because people with ADHD have a different way of being they can be incredible!

My eldest has ADHD..diagnosed at 6, medicated.. challenging at times and complicated.. and now in her 3rd year of medical school where her super quick brain, boundless energy and never needing sleep-ness has become such an asset to her. I remember basically trashing the paeds consulting room at about 7 because she was a whirling dervish, and telling the doctor that she was going to be a doctor when she grew up. The doc didn't dismiss her ambition but told her that some of the most brilliant doctors had ADHD (but left a trail of chaos behind them ) and that she could use her energy positively. It really cheered me up when people were telling me DD1 was a nightmare child...and she was right! DD1 also is on the autistic spectrum ..but has learned to manage her ADHD and become productive with it.
Incidentally she was on meds from 6-14, came off them for a while and went back ON them as a young adult.. still is (just turned 21). She has friends, she has empathy, she is a sparklingly intelligent young doctor -to be..
ADHD has WORKED for her and I think part of that was us hanging onto the idea that it could be a positive thing. Ignore the ignorant:):)

crazygal · 10/02/2013 22:50

thats a lovely inspiring story medusa

PolterGoose · 11/02/2013 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kinkyfuckery · 11/02/2013 10:11

That is really inspiring medusa, thank you for posting it.

nostoppingme · 11/02/2013 20:59

My sister-in-law (French), gets the 'blame' that she is too overprotective and doesn't set boundaries for her 2 children. It makes my blood boil how everyone on the French side of the family calls her 7 year old son 'the little monster'. He is such a smart and sweet boy, but he has his role in the family. I get on really well with him and I do not hesitate to tell the 'experts' in the family that it is wrong to say to him 'when are you going to grow up? That he should be more social.

Two other sister-in-laws (French), one of whom is a primary school teacher and the other a directress of a children's centre; do not see that it has nothing to do with the mother or poor parenting but that this boy has special needs; he is most likely autistic, definitely ADHD and dyspraxic.

Apparently the educational psychologist also said to the mother to stop treating him like a baby and that he needs to grow up! FFS .. am I glad I don't live over there.......

nostoppingme · 11/02/2013 21:03

WOW Medusa, I shall delight in repeating your experience to the cows in France! As the little boy in question is so intelligent, as is his little 4 year old sister. She does not sleep either, does not walk but runs. Her energy level is phenomenal. Imagine the mum running behind her two children all the time.

And yes, it is all her fault.

MadameSin · 11/02/2013 22:01

Clare No, we haven't used any meds on our ds. At the time of his dx his doctor did not feel it was warranted as he was not severe enough .. although I know his teachers would wish us to medicate him just so they don't have to worry about engaging him along with 34 other children. Unfortunately, the state education system is rigid and way too structured for children like ours. Your son's school life will only be as good as his current teacher is. If a teacher is imaginative and enthusiastic, he will probably do well. Meanwhile, we ensure he has plenty of exercise, eats well, sleeps well and has clear boundaries with regard to behaviour. It's ongoing, but so far we've been mostly successful in helping him. I take great pride in the paeds comments in his dx letter copied to his school ... it reads "these parents are very skilled, we would all do well to learn from them" .. love that bit!! Smug

Georgieporg · 11/02/2013 22:07

Hi all, sorry to hear you have victims of such ignorance, I have too been there stressed wondering what I have done to deserve such treatment, really all we need is support and knowledge. So lovely to see Medusa's comments, gives all such hope. My son is 10 was diagnosed at 6 with ADHD (hyperkenetic disorder) and Dyslexia after leaving a trail of destruction behind him since preschool. He was medicated on all sorts of short acting and long acting medicines. He managed to go through primary school and learn absolutely nothing in the four years he attended. He was then statemented. We are in windsor so have 3 teir school system, he is now in middle school year 6. He is currently on concerts xl 27mg and clonidine every evening, he has made some progress. He has now grown and meds not working, he trashing the house when he gets home and said he wants to either kill himself or leave home, heart braking to hear. so school has said they are struggling with him and recommend he does not attend senior school as he would not cope. He is frustrated and down again and always getting told off, has even managed a couple of detentions whilst sat with a Ta. I'm furious they are destroying him again ... Windsor and maidenhead LEA have completely failed him. Now waiting for LEA meeting to raise the roof on the entire situation, there is nowhere local that supports adhd and dyslexia, so I know they try and fob me off. So I will have to threaten tribunal route. Just when you think they are settled. I know in my heart my son will do well and has a great personality, this will only make him stronger person. So to all you mums fight your corner no one else will, you will have good periods and tough periods. Meds are a great help when they are at the right levels, but it takes a while to settle in. The LEA's are the ones with the key to an education when they play ball ! I wish you all the very best of luck and feel for you all, keep going and be strong it will all come right in the end. Any advice on senior schools in the vicinity of berkshire, surrey and bucks would be great.

Ruggles · 11/02/2013 22:16

Georgie - big hugs to you. Don't know if its of any use, but I hear great things, often and from different people, about Slindon College, W Sussex. Independent and expensive, but apparently life changing.

Georgieporg · 11/02/2013 22:44

Thanks Ruggles - funny you should say that I put it down as my first choice on statement - obviously LEA said no .. Now I have more evidence you never know with hard work and determination there could be a silver lining... Fingers crossed x

Trigglesx · 12/02/2013 10:36

Unfortunately, I think you just have to develop a thick skin when it comes to the judging. It can get exasperating and downright maddening though. I do sometimes give in to the urge to respond, but most of the time I try to just ignore.

BallyGoBackwards · 12/02/2013 21:31

What I get is "there is no way he is ADHD". Even my sister who is a teacher insists on saying it!!! Really....he was diagnosed in two different countries, by two different Cahms teams as ADHD.

He lacks the extreme Hyperactivity so if we were in the USA he would just be termed as ADD. He is on Concerta, I pray it is making a difference to his attention and ability to stay focused at school but I just cant be sure.

I have only told close family and friends because I dont feel AHDH is understood and secondly I dont feel he would benefit from the average Joe Soap on the street knowing.

Medusa I have read your daughters story before and I love it. It is so good to heard such a positive story.

Ghostsgowoooh · 13/02/2013 10:35

I've put up with negative comments for years in regards to ds. From teachers to neighbours who believe its my parenting skill that are to blame.

Apparently it was the lack of boundaries, my home life, my depression that was to blame for ds behaviour.

He's also just had a dx of asd.

My neighbour who is uber, stiflingly strict to her 12 year old ds he's not even allowed to make a sandwich has stopped him from hanging around with ds because she doesn't approve of me. She heard ds having a meltdown one morning and told her ds to stay away because we are rough and ds was trouble even though he is very polite to her and plays
really well with her ds.

I get this sort of attitude all the time and I feel so sorry for ds. He's list his best friend and its really affected him.

I just put it down to sheer ignorance, it's hurtful though.

Trigglesx · 13/02/2013 13:38

There will always ALWAYS be people who judge - in the shops, on the bus, at school (and at the school gates), no matter where you go. You are not going to change this - I really only can change my reaction to it. I can allow myself to get aggravated, which serves no purpose. Or I can either ignore them, take a minute to correct them (if misinformed), or return fire (if rude, and can sometimes be very satisfying ). I choose according to my day.

Flip