Explaining Aspergers to DS1 ( who has it) and DS2 who doesn't

[willyoulistentome]

After years of finding Ds1 a very difficult child, we have recently had a diagnosis of Aspergers for him. He is 9. DS2 is 7.

I am getting conflicting advice from Psycologist and the head teacher, whose son is HFA about whether to tell DS1 about his diagnnosis or not.

I think DS1's Aspergers is relatively mild, and was not picked up by school, as he has no behaviour issues there, but it does cause us major problems at home with him bossing DS2 about and being very inflexible. DS2 is constantly being hit and teased or put down by DS1. Although since the diagnnosis DH and I have handled DS1 better and so the problems have improved, DS2 still hates DS1's guts and gets SO angry with him.

I could do with some advice on what to say to them both about the reasons DS1 is the way he is, that will help the situation, and not knock DS1's already fragile self esteem.

Have a look at the book Inside Aspergers Looking Out.

Dd3 is 10 but I bought it a while ago and she really likes it.

I told her in the summer about her diagnosis, I explained that she has aspergers/asd and we talked abit about what it means. I kept it really simple and then we looked at the book.

She has recently been doing some work at school with a SALT and the senco about her diagnosis and what it means to her.

For us telling her has been very positive and has helped everyone around her. We had some interesting behaviour for a while after I told her but I expected that and to be honest we were struggling with behaviour anyway.

Good luck

willyoulistentome I have just read your thread and found it very interesting. I often have similar problems with my ds. He hasn't been diagnosed with aspergers but I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong. He seems to have anger issues especially when tired and does seem to boss people about. I am sure its mile if there is a behaviour issue here, but for ages Ive thought it was sibling rivalry etc. but having read your post it now makes me wonder. I would be really interested in hearing more about it if you don't mind discussing it on here. Thanks.

My 2 dcs are the same age but it's ds2 who has AS. We have the same issues than you re siblings relationship.

I have found that the most important point to make it clear for both of them that hitting and putting down is a NO-NO. Both because ds2 has to learn not to hit in anger and because ds1 needs to know that 1- we don't accept that behaviour and 2- ds2 doesn't a 'special' treatment. I always remember the surprise from ds1 when I told him that ds2 hitting him was NOT acceptable, under no circumstances. He had got so used to it that he thought that was normal sibling rivalry :(
AS, imo, can not be used as an excuse for bad behaviour like this but I would take that into account for other things such as not answering immediately for example. I think that's where it can be helpful to explain all the quirky/unusual things our children can do but that aren't hurtful as such to others.

Have you tried How to talk and for sibling rilvary?

Just a gut feeling but I am not sure that your ds2 isn't a bit young for the explanation about AS and his db. And most importantly, it shouldn't let him think that because ds1 has AS, then he is 'allowed' to behave like this and him (ds2) just has to cope with it, if that makes sense?

Oh and yes, I am sure that telling your ds1 about AS will help him too.

What are the HT and psychologist both saying?

I think as far as Ds2 goes you need to make sure Ds1 understands his dx first and then introduce the idea to Ds2 that we are all different and are good at different things. You could move on to fully explaining the dx later.

I have zero tolerance for aggression between my Dd's and deal with it by separating them. I have in the past had them in their jamas and in their rooms at 4.30 for kicking each other.(this was Dd1 and Dd2), with Dd3 she gets a red card and has to move away from whatever she is doing.
Tbh, they get that I will not tolerate it and they dont often do it.

Tongue lashing is more common in my house but I guess that is girls for you

I don't mind discussing it all here. It's all a bit new to us still, ( the diagnosis, not the behaviour) and we are trying to get our heads around all the info and help and things we will need to get in place for DS1 for his future education. The Psycologist said we shoud tell him, but not until we had come to terms with it ourselves and had done lots of research and so would be in a position to answer his questions. Sensible advice I thought. But his head teacher, who has a young teenage son with High Functioning Autism said she would not have thought Ds1 was mature enough to understand and so not to tell him yet. I have sort of told Ds2 that DS1 finds understanding the 'rules of normal behavioiur' difficult, and that we need to try not to be upset when he says horrible things to Ds2 or won;t play co-operatively but dictatorially instead, and not to get into an argument, but to come and tell me instead.

I have never really been able to leave them to be in the same room without me as it always ends in wacking and tears. For example, instead of being able to pop out and hang up the washing I have to stand guard. The house is a tip and it's all bloody tiring and boring from my point of view!! In fact they dont really ever play with each other, as it pretty much always ends in tears.

I have read How to talk.. it all makes sense, but Ds1 is Just so inflexible in his demands that up til now I have ended up yelling and getting angry with him, he has ended up screaming too and the whole house ends up in uproar and tears. I haven't seen the Sibling Rivalry book. Would it apply when one of the siblings just can't 'get' the whole sharing thing?

Kazysgirl. my Ds1 is always far worse when he is tired, or hungry. I started a thread a few days ago and in that I talked about all the issues we have.

Siince the diagnosis, DH and I have tried to keep calmer, to be more patient and to give fewer and simpler instructions with plenty of notice. It has really helped and we have had far fewer meltdowns, BUT DS2 is now kicking off more, because he is still getting very frustrated with DS2 and I suppose he doesn't understand why I am now not just yelling at DS1 or telling him off when he does what he does, and instead trying to explan that it's not OK and not assuming that he should know its not OK.

This is really common. Nether of them can successfully play with the other so they fight instead: ds1 cos he just does, and ds2 as learned behaviour. Our age gap is similar to yours, and we have a toddler as well. And we bought an indoor airer cos trying to hang washing outside was just getting silly. Still have last night's shopping in the car though, so not cracked the problem yet .

Treating the bigger dc like 6y old twins is helpful: same very simple rules for both of them, ignore the bad, reward the good, pick one or two priority areas to try and modify each month... all the preschooler stuff. And TBH, when they're all winding each other up / physically fighting, I pretend I've got 3y old triplets... very brief separate time outs for all of them (mainly for my benefit ) and then when they've paused for breath, distract with a video on, or a snack

Mine will now 'play' a computer game together: ds1 does something difficult and interesting, dd watches admiringly and suggests the odd item to buy or an answer to a puzzle, and ds1 agrees cos he knows they've exceeded their computer time... which I will enforce if they 'make me notice' them . This wasn't them spontaneously playing together (well, the first brief time was, but then I started 'forgetting' to turn it off for 3-4min, then gradually expanded, now sometimes they can play computer nicely for 20-30min before I have to 'notice')

Yes the 'Sibling rivalry' book would work in your case. I do use it with my two (one of which is on the spectrum). It's from the same author than the 'How to talk'.
There are things I don't always do (such as leaving them sorting their problem out) as they just can't do it though.
Instead I have spent quite a bit of time teaching them to find an agreement together. They can explain me what has happened in turn and I usually rephrase the issue in a more 'acceptable ' way. They aren't allowed to talk about the other person, only what it means to them. Then they both have to propose a solution (and I give some too). No judgement if it's a good idea or not at that stage. by that time, they normally have calmed down a bit, enough to talk to each other. Sometime, the answer is just 'Let's do something else alone and then we will get back to it'. The key thing is to stay very very calm and matter of fact.
Having spent a few years doing that, they have become better at it.

I really feel for you. We've had a phase with ds2 where I was weary to leave them together too and it's hard.

re your ds2, I think it would be asking him too much to take onto himself to 'accept' his db his rigid and that he has to let it go.
To be fair, I find that difficult sometimes so I can't quite see how to ask that from my NT child.
AS can be useful to explain why his db reacts in a different way that other children (and he will become more and more aware of it).
By any mean, tell ds2 to leave it ds1 is getting too controlling/want his won way etc... but I have found that my NT dc just doesn't seem to be able to do it. He wants to have the last word, like any other child. (or it doesn't seem fair because his db always gets away with it etc...)

What I have found though is that my NT dc is slowly but surely modelling my own behaviour so the calmer I react, the calmer he reacts with his db.