Need some help at home, but not sure what kind... Any thoughts or advice? A long one, sorry....

[Ruggles]

Hello

DS is 4 and has ADHD/dyspraxia and is at nursery for three mornings a week. He was doing more, but kept causing havoc and then getting stressed / upset about it. We're following the Tinsley House programme of daily exercises and diet. We're about to start body brushing twice a day. DD is 2 and has a speech delay. She's also following Tinsley House and I have set speech exercises that I am doing twice a day.

Quite often Sometimes, I feel as if I"m going to pop and I really need some more help at home.

I have a cleaner whose husband isn't very well and she isn't very reliable. She sometimes sends her cousin who is not a great cleaner, talks lots and not particularly nice. I find it quite difficult to have people in the house as they distract from DCs, who then play up and it makes me feel quite aware that my DCs are different. I have a great nanny who comes to help us on a Thursday, which is a god send. My chance for shopping, a walk / haircut etc. She works for other families on other days.

Afternoons are hectic here and I never feel that the children are getting my full attention, in between chores, cooking, exercises, walking the dogs and family commitments (my Dad is elderly and ill). DS takes up most of my time as he doesn't have a long attention span and plays up when I'm not 'on him'.

DH is fed up of me moaning and getting stressed with it all. He describes it as a wave engulfing him when he gets home each night He wants me to get some more help, initially until DS starts school in Sept. Obviously I'm just about delirious at the thought of some help and this might sound daft, but my head is going around in circles trying to work out what would be best and how to organise it all.

Should I try and find a Special Needs Nanny or Therapist who can come and help a few afternoons a week or a Mother's Help who can do a bit of everything or just a good cleaner to work in the afternoons?

That's why I'd love to ask anyone who may have had this kind of help at home for thoughts, advice or has help and how its worked out. What has helped you most? How do you find people who 'get' your DC?

Thanks for reading

Zzzz - thank you so much, am going to sit down with a glass of wine and make a list and then go through it all. Should help the head spin! Lots of other good ideas too. Already try Quiet Time, but a constant battle to keep it Quiet and do swimming, which does help too. DCs in bed when DH gets home - he doesn't see them all week. So a bit embarrassing, but I'm the bit that he finds too much!

Thank you ladies . Such good advice and DH and I have just had a very happy chat about it all! He loved my list and we're both going to think about whether I need help to make home better or some therapy kind-of-help with the children at home, or a combo of both. DH has always been anti au pairs since we had a disaster with a German au pair who lasted 2 weeks, ate all the choccie, hogged the sofa and stayed out till all hours during the week and then announced that Hitler was mis-understood.... We're very remote so an aupair needs a car, but DH is wondering if we can find a nice couple from Spain with their own car. So pleased that he's joining in with ideas... He's also going to come to DS next school to talk to them about SN and what they offer.

DH works long days - leaves at 5.45 and home at 8.20. We share the weekends. He's very hands-on with stuff he likes, but not good at anything structured - i.e. great at coffee stops, log chopping, walking, checking horses and fences but not so good at bikes, reading, jigsaws, reading, speech therapy exercises, football etc. He finds the DC much easier than I do.

Hothead - have been looking at childcare.co.uk - its great, but I think we need to sort out what kind of help we need first. Had seen portage mentioned on here but didn't know what it was, but have googled and there is no local service. Have you used them?

Zzzz - it's tricky to balance all these things, how are you DPs? Good advice about doing nice things - I always do something every week but you're right, I want to have more fun and more to talk about too. This is all quite new for us and its easy to get a bit lost. I love hearing all of DH's chat when he comes home and mine is probably like Groundhog day. How do you balance it all?

I second trampolining - my dd has dyspraxia but is all extremely sensory seeking and trampolining has been a godsend both is terms of helping her understand her body in space but also in wearing her out nicely!

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Of course your dh is 'better with the dcs' when all he does is walking and coffee shops. You are doing all the grinding jobs with both dcs and I'm not surprised you are knackered and fed up. Second what others have said about getting some time to yourself in the evening or at weekends. Cn you change ds swimming lesson to a Saturday and send dh? Or look for some other club they can do together at the weekend. Dh has just organised to take ds to football on Sundays ( after a year of planning to sort out football). I've just found out one of dd's friends goes to the same club so am going to get him to take both dcs.
Don't feel bad for using the tv for some downtime too. I was unnecessarily strict with tv when ds was little. I now think an hour of cbeebies in the afternoon is unlikely to do any damage and may save your sanity. I find my ds still talks incessantly at me if I stay in the room when he's watching tv so now I go and sit in another room and he watches quietly.

How about contacting the nursery?
are there any staff there that the dc or youmreally like?
My sisters nursery staff loved the extra can for babysitting/child kidding at evenings and weekend etc..

Thanks for the advice. It was interesting just how much better I felt last night after we'd had a chat about it all - I am more fed up than I realised... I don't want to make him sound crap, as he's not but DH always wriggles out of weekend classes. He's just not good at structured things which as you say are grinding - dog training classes is another moot point. I have given up as I get all pissed off and it doesn't happen and then we have a row. I am going to grab the offer of more help and make the most of it. I'm def going to loosen up on the tv bit and will ask nursery too, although most of the staff have their own kids. Thanks

Oh ruggles...cbeebies is your friend! :)

Thanks ladies - such good advice and ideas. A month later and lots has changed:

• I've sacked the cleaner and a village friend is going to help instead. She is a normal, happy soul who smiles!
• Have a nanny with special needs experience coming 3 days a week to help with the horror of late afternoon
• Found a magic lady to do the ironing. She is brilliant and we have never had such beautifully ironed clothes.
• Have a trampoline installed in the garden - I don't know how I managed without it!

I am very fortunate to be able to afford some help - it has made an incredible difference to how I feel by the end of the week.... I duffed DH up about not doing more stuff and he's been doing more, but he also told me to stop bottling it all up. Dad is starting treatment in a few weeks time and I feel as if I have the energy and head space to help without getting into a tizzy. Thank you.

well done super stuff ruggles....from your pm too I felt...you are so on top of things...dc are lucky to have you

I farm out my ironing. If I could afford to, I would farm out many other domestic chores to give me more therapy time with my DC's (3 have dxd SN's, 1 starting dx process...)

Merry, are you nuts? Ironing is optional.
Go creased informal and spend the money on cleaning