''Your the worst mum in the world'' - I'm tired and don't know where to turn :(

[sweetteamum]

My daughter tells me this everyday, generally all day. She is 11 years old and currently attending a unit for children who can't go to school, for various reasons.

She is hopefully due to be dx'd with ASD

She is ''scared'' of the rain but can't give a reason....even when it's cloudy she realises that it'll probably rain. Anyway, she genuinely thinks that she shouldn't have to go to school because of this and we're unreasonable for not letting her stay off. It's grinding me down being told the same thing many times a day - i'm even beginning to think it's me :'(

How on earth am I meant to deal with this - we've tried so many ideas that've been suggested by camhs but her thoughts about it are so rigid that she's refusing to wear her ear plugs, headphones etc that we got her to keep the noise out.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated and welcomed - we've even thought about a hypnotherapist but don't know if it'll work

Well for starters sweet you are not the worst mum in the world because if you were you wouldnt care!

She says hateful things because she is unhappy but you are doing everything in your power to help her with that.

If she says she hates you you could try saying Ok thats fine but I do love you, or Well thats a shame because I love you. I used to say that to Dd1 and it did make her stop and think.

Remember, if your Dd has got ASD then she probably has no idea how it makes you feel when she says it. Ultimately you will always be their for her, no matter what she says, it is all about unconditional love. I know this is going to sound really stupid but please try not to let it get to you.

You will get through this. Be kind to yourself and good luck.

Is she scared of the shower? If not...what's different? That's your starting point, possibly. Find out what it isn't, then you'll find out what it is.

I feel for you - it's a grind, no doubt about it.

Oops wrong there

Thanks INeed maybe i'm having a worse than usual day but I just want to help her. We can't have a life as this controls everything we try to do

Hi lougle yes, she hates having a shower and reacts in exactly the same way.

She just acts as if she's not interested in making herself feel better. Guess that brick wall has hurt me lots lately.

I get it too.

I think it's normal!

I am apparently the worst mum in the universe! So I beat you.

Kids say some horrible things to us. They don't mean it. They love us. They're just lashing out at us cos we're here and we're safe.

I am without heart because I just say I'm sorry to hear that. I love you very much.

And carry on with whatever it is that has prompted this declaration of loathing.

Solving this rain thing is tricky if she isn't able to tell you what the problem is.

Is it the noise - if so, I would have said earplugs but you say she won't wear them - maybe just some music on a player thing without earplugs? To start with?
Is it the feel of rain - if so - big umbrella or plastic poncho and hood?
Is it the air - feeling the changes in pressure or whatever (same thing that makes cats go bonkers when we're going to have a storm) - in which case there's probably nothing you can do about it.

It hurts to hear it but try to not take it personally. She's lashing out at you out of frustration, not because she hates you.

xx

Hi polter and thank you.

We reassure her constantly and when I asked her to tell us how to be better, her reply was simply ''let me stay off school''

I'll have a look for some books too.

Thank you HeCate

You are all right of Course. I guess I really need to toughen up. We both nearly ended up down the stairs this morning as she was so reluctant to go!

Will she never go anywhere in the rain, or is it going to school in the rain/when it's cloudy?

If, for example, you were taking her to and it was cloudy - would she demand that you stayed at home?

Thanks imogen Your post made me smile . I need to start reminding myself that she is taking things out on me because she cares and trusts me!

That should really be - have you tested it? Let's go to X place (when it's raining/cloudy.)

If she is getting what she wants, usually she would go. Although there will be the odd time she'll be too scared to go anywhere.

Do you think then, that it is less to do with rain, and more to do with school?

oh, had my ten minute warning for bed. Going to log off now.

much love.

Take care of yourself.

You're doing GREAT!!

I have thought that but she said she feels safe there and likes it. She's not even doing a full day as yet and went to the unit in her pj's today fo 2 hours (1 of which, I had to stay for

Thanks again :)

Oh! I get this time and again from my little one but if we were the worst mums, we would not be here fighting for them...try to develop a thick skin although I can understand coming from an 11 yr old....it is more cathartic but I genuinely do appreciate your honesty

That's my feeling about it too, zzzzz.

I also wonder if there is an anxiety about going there too. Maybe she is ok when she gets there, maybe not. Perhaps what she means is she feels better there compared to the other school? But sometimes there can be a transitional anxiety too. Stopping what you are doing and going to the new situation, iyswim.

Particularly if she's there because there have been serious school issues before.

It could all be mixed up into this.

Oh op I feel for you but like it already says if you truly were a horrid mum the last thing you would be doing is talking about it, you wouldn't care less! Does your dd not like the rain in general or is it at a particular time? Is it the old theory of mind? your dd knows in her own mind why it scares her therefore you should already know without her telling you?

My ds doesn't mind the rain at all until it rains on the way to school or he sees it may rain because he is anticpating that he will have to stay in at breaktime with lots of exited children playing in a very echoy classroom with lots of barging around knocking his inventions over, this is not a good place for my ds to be believe me I can only imagine the meltdowns/disciplining he would experience in that 15 minutes! hell on earth for my boy.

Thank you all so much for the reasurances....I can't tell you how much of a push I need at the moment. You are truly lovely mumsnetters and I've not come across so much support online before.

I am getting my positive vibes together, I've hopefully had my first lesson, in growing thicker skin and I think so many of you are right.

I think she is scare of the noise of the rain. BUT when it's cloudy or very light rain, snow etc that it's a very good excuse for her not to do things. The last image of her leaving for school this moning, with her dad is a really negative one and upsets me at her lack of being able to explain what the problem is.

Maybe she does believe that I already know so when I ask she's getting frustrated with me.

I will also be trying the ''treats'' when it rains to see how she reacts/behaves

I am really beginning to agree with who said it could be a transitional anxiety. She can't cope with the different routines on a weekend leading to a weekday and vice versa. She also gets stressed when we tell her to get in the car for things - she just avoids or refuses to do anything.

The teacher today said that she was reluctant to stay in school and do work but she did do it.