ADHD - Fighting/bullying

[MadameSin]

Sorry, this is a bit long .... Okay, so ds is 9 with dx of ADHD/Dyslexia. He's never really displayed aggressive behaviour, just silly, boisterous in your face stuff. Lately, he has been coming out of school saying a few kids have been calling him names such as retard, special and undateable. This was followed with a headbutt by another SEN boy (school never mentioned this incident to me, I had to ask them what the mark was on his eye). I am not a 'precious' mother and am rarely called in to school for problems, however, this is really upsetting me and I can't stop thinking about him having to go into class every day with some little sh*t name calling. I appreciate this is part of growing up and until now I have always ignored child like behaviour, but I feel this is unacceptable. Anyway, today I get a call from school telling me ds has punched a kid on the nose causing bruising. This child is the main name caller. His teacher then tells me when questioned, my ds told her his big brother told him to do it. Part of me wants to shout "In your face", but the adult in me knows this is going to get ds nowhere (I have subsequently asked big bro to stay out of it). The HT was very kind to ds and talked to him about controlling his temper, the DH was with her and mentioned he was like that as a child but had to learn to react differently ... so no problems there. My problem is the class teacher. I don't feel she supporting ds and managing the name calling ... I'm really frightened ds will react again the same way and next time get in far more serious trouble .... Maybe I should talk with the HT or DH ... ? I didn't take it further over the headbutt hoping things would blow over, but this time feel I should do something more

Definitely go into school about this. Using words like retard for a boy with SN will one day be seen as unacceptable as calling a black kid he N word. There are already campaigns in the US to this effect (see the R-word website). It is disabilist bullying, as bad as racist. Of course you will have to say you don't condone his hitting out, but you will at least explain why, so the school have the whole picture. I say " yay, DS and big bro" but v quietly, as of course violence is wrong!

I hate that whole "its part of growing up excuse! It doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't.
Its bullying, have a frank discussion with HT about what you are being told is going on, ask for the bullying policy and ask (politely and as diplomatically as possible) how he is going to get your DS teachers to implement the policy, to protect your son from it.
Learning emotional control is a very important skill BUT you can't expect children too demonstrate it in the face of ongoing bullying, and if the school won't do anything about it, your DS should be able to defend himself.