Am I over-reacting?

[whatkungfuthat]

Long, sorry. I wasn't sure where to put this, here or in Relationships. My DS1 is 14 and has ASD. On New Year's Eve I got 'that' text which included the words 'retard', 'window licker' 'special' etc. There was a thread in chat about it from someone else who got one.

The person that sent it is a close family friend in his 40's. We know his extended family very well, particularly his parents, always get invited to family events etc. He is married with a DC. I was absolutely disgusted that he could find such a thing funny, let alone send it to SN parents - he prefaced it with please share with DP. When I saw I told DP and replied that I actually found it really offensive. He immediately called DP and apologised, although at this point I hadn't had the chance to tell DP that I'd texted a reply so DP thought he'd realised his mistake iyswim? In fact he needed to have how offensive it was pointed out to him by my texting him, if that makes sense?

He is a very good friend of DP and has known DS since he was born. Knew about every test, doctor, assessment, therapist, battle for MLD school place etc. has been to every birthday party and visited DS in hospital, so I felt sick that someone so involved in my son's life could be so cruel and thoughtless.

He wanted to speak to me on the phone, I really didn't want to but I did. He sounded tearful (boo-fecking-hoo) and said how sorry he was and that he should of thought before sending it to me, this infuriated me more and I told him that not only should he not have sent it to anyone but why on earth did he find it funny in the first place. He is clearly not the person I thought he was.

NYD he phoned DP and said he hadn't slept and wanted to come round, DP unfortunately agreed before speaking to me so I went out. I wasn't ready to face him and I certainly wasn't ready to make him feel better about his casual bigotry. When he came DP, who is much more calm and laid-back than I am, spoke to him at length about it. Told him some hard facts about some of the children my DS is friends with and realities of their lives. DS is quite high functioning but we know lots of children and young adults with severe difficulties. DP told him he was also at a loss to understand how someone who was an adult and a father could find such a thing acceptable and even funny. Two weeks went by and he asked to come round again, as he still had xmas gifts for the DS's. I refused as I really don't want anything to do with him. I am not sure I ever will. I don't want apologies or discussion, I just don't want to know. DP would like to get past it, he is more forgiving than me and just wants everyone to get on, but I honestly don't know what I will do when I see him, I am still so angry on behalf of my DS and all the other people who can't help that they have other needs. So I guess this is a WWYD and an AIBU? If you got this far then thanks for reading

Hi what, how horrible for you to be so badly let down by someone you thought was a friend.

To be honest I would probably walk away but that is what I do. I think what you have to decide is, if you stop seeing this person would it have a negative effect on your family. If you had to miss family events etc it might.

You have to make your family a priority and if seeing this person doesnt enhance your life then dont bother, just walk away.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, good luck

I think it would depend on whether this person was a benefit in the lives of either you, DP or DS1 (who I assume knows nothing of this)
If he does - then you need to face him. Be brutally honest with him - tell him exactly how you feel and how difficult you find knowing that he finds this kind of humour funny.
If he doesn't - don't bother with him. Theres enough people we meet with bigoted views without inviting them into our lives.

Thanks Ineed (great name, know the feeling!) I have made it clear to DP that if he wants to continue seeing this person then thats up to him and his conscience but I would rather the DS's didn't, particularly DS1 as he is the one with SN. The loss of contact wouldn't be a huge loss to me but DS would miss him as he has the same hobby as DS and DP and they often go together.

I am much more fiery than DP but I have never felt this sort of icy anger before, its hard to explain and I can't see a time when I could ever imagine myself in the same room as him without me losing it in some way.

Thanks auntevil x-posts, that is it exactly - we have had enough people comment on DS who are just ignorant gits, this person should have known better. Any feelings of friendship have vanished.