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Original poster

Does something strange happen at around 6yrs of age or is it just a coincidence?

27 replies

coppertop · 23/04/2006 14:00

This is just a general question really. Ds1 is just a few weeks away from his 6th birthday and his behaviour is starting to change. To quote ds1's teacher "I don't know if it's an age thing, the changes at home, or if I've just had an easy time of it so far."

Things started to go downhill just before the Easter holidays. He seemed to change into a sulky teenager overnight. He is usually quite passive although he will stand up for himself if people try to push him too far. At school towards the end of term he was becoming upset almost constantly. I put this down to a mixture of tiredness because of the end of term, the disruption to his routine with the arrival of dd, and the virus which he and ds2 both came down with during the last week of term.

The first week of the holidays were a living hell with ds1 and ds2 either attacking each other or having meltdowns. This seemed to be illness-related because when I managed to sneak some paracetomol into their drinks their behaviour improved drastically.

I'd expected some kind of reaction to dd's arrival but tbh they can't seem to get enough of her. Ds1 makes a beeline for her whenever possible and will chatter away to her for ages. He's always telling people (unprompted) that he loves his sister and that he thinks she's very cute etc.

By the end of the holidays both boys were back to their usual selves and I hoped that getting back to their usual routines would help. Ds2(3yrs) bounced back as soon as pre-school started. Ds1 was very happy about being back at school but his teacher has told me that he is starting to refuse to do things - probably quite normal for an average child of his age but unheard of for ds1 since he's been in Yr1. Lots of "I hate doing this!" and sitting with his hands clamped over his ears.

I can't for the life of me work out whether this is related to his ASD and sensory problems or if it's perhaps related to his age. IIRC a few MNers have had problems when thier ds/dd has got to this age but using the MN archives is difficult as I can't seem to get the search facility to work properly.

So, if you've made it to the end of this post, did you notice any sudden changes at this age? Is this just ds1 being ds1 or a case of the Sodding-Sixes? :)

OP posts:

Blandmum · 23/04/2006 14:44

For what it is worth my ds, also aged 6, is going through a similar trend. He is NT but has always been a rather 'challenging' child in some aspects of his behavior (sensory issues, language issues but stopping short of ASD). Ironocaly those things have improved with time but now he can be a right stroppy little Herbert. 'I hate you X' when things don't go the right way, that sort of things, 'Don't want That, want this' sort of thing. Nothing earth shaking but a PITA, and he is no longer the biddable boy he has been in the past.

HTH

Bink · 23/04/2006 15:02

I definitely noticed something at a similar age, in the Christmas holidays when ds was 5.75 (he's now just 7). Having been someone whose catch-phrase was "I would like to do that" (about just about anything) he amazed us all by starting to say "I don't want to" like a proper little toddler - the fact that I can place it in time so exactly demonstrates what a change it was. This was of course followed by incidents of telling teachers the lesson was boring. Which was not great.

From the perspective of a year and a bit later, I have to say the negativity is in some ways here to stay - it's something we (& school) do have to contend with now - but there was a silver lining in that at almost exactly the same time (ie, really rather late, in comparison with your average child) he started getting the hang of jokes. So while we lost our amenable Mr. Meek and Mild, instead we got Mr. Game-for-a-Laugh.

I think ds is a textbook example of late emotional development, and I think what you're seeing does fit the pattern we see.

anniebear · 23/04/2006 16:22

Don't say that!!! Its bad enough at 4 and a half!!!

stapo1 · 23/04/2006 16:59

Yep I think its an age thing.. my 6 yr old NT normally a good boy just full of energy suddenly thinks he rules the house. He has never been the sort to demand but all of a sudden if he can't get his own way he has a right stroppy tantrum & this morning when I was telling him off for pushing ds2 over he replied with "BLAH, BLAH BLAH whatever.." . So he spent the next hour in his bedroom.
Glad I'm not alone!

Twiglett · 23/04/2006 17:03

holy cow I was going to start a thread just like this as DS behaviour has totally changed in the last month and I'm not sure I'm dealing with it very well ... I am not used to him being 'challenging', obnoxious or defiant and he's being all of them .. in spades ... he's NT and just over 5

desperateSCOUSEwife · 23/04/2006 17:08

i think it is an case of where they like to show some independence at this age

like going out to play themselves, getting dressed, getting own breakfast etc etc

esp with a new baby in the house
a belated congratul;ations btw:)xxx

he may feel he needs to be more independant iykwim

Hausfrau · 23/04/2006 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eulalia · 23/04/2006 17:15

I've been wondering this too...

Congrats on your baby girl BTW :) Sorry I missed the birth announcement.

My ds is a bit older (6.9) but we noticed a change just before Christmas. He became very clingy towards me. Like you I didn't think it was the arrival of the new baby. Also both dd and him love ds2 to bits. Anyway ds2 was a few months old by then. ds started wanting to be with me all the time and would say things like "Mummy I want to be with you forever". He'd get upset if I even left him with my parents to go to the shops for 1/2 an hour. We just had an illness related thing over Easter and he slept with me for 3 nights (fortunately he's back to normal now). I have put it down to another stage in his emotional development (perhaps even some sort of late Oedipus kind of stage). Fortunatley it is manageable as I tend to do most thingsn away from the house when he is at school or early morning before he gets up.

He also started having meltdowns again after practically having none at all for a long time. He had a really bad one last week (worst ever probably) but again wasn't feeling well (he's rarely ill and never enough to stay in bed even if he needs to). He seems to want to control things more and its as if he's reached another stage of understanding where he knows the possibilities of how things can be. Then he's been wanting me to redo things that aren't 'right' and this is getting to be quite complex things.

I know just how you feel and it seems that it never gets really better, just different. My only way of coping is to try and predict things as far as possible but to push him a bit to teach him the world can't always be his way, to talk about things beforehand and to stick to a routine (all the usual stuff I guess). I am struggling just now though with many aspects of his behaviour and we have been referred to the child psychology service and an autism outreach worker is going to visit our home....

Anyway sorry this is all about my ds but just to let you know that things are similar with us also!

ninaar · 23/04/2006 17:37

is it only a stage gone through by boys?

ninaar · 23/04/2006 17:39

i should add that my dds are under 2 so can't help but was wondering asn sons were mentioned. hope everything is altight with everyone

Pixel · 23/04/2006 18:05

Ds is 6 next month and is much more stroppy and assertive. I mentioned it last week to his teacher in his home/school book. He's non-verbal but all of a sudden if he doesn't want to do something we are getting an indignant squeal as if to say "how dare you?!!". He's also started throwing things in a temper.

Is this a permanent condition or does it wear off at age 7 or whatever? [vain hope emoticon].

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 23/04/2006 19:06

coppertop- you mention that your ds has always been passive, ds1 became stroppier as he became less passive, more aware of his environment and realised that he had choices (that hadn't occurred to him before). Unfortunately he now appears to believe that weeing in his bed on purpose is a valid choice :o

macadamianut · 23/04/2006 19:17

Isn't this sort of behaviour in boys to do with big surges of testosterone that they get at various stages of their development?
I think at this age they also realise that life isn't all fun & games anymore (homework at school etc) and they are also having more advanced emotions and chains of thought.

eidsvold · 24/04/2006 01:17

i thought it was around then or perhaps it may be a little earlier that boys have a hormonal surge - similar to the one they have about 14/15... will try and find some info for you.

Twiglett · 24/04/2006 07:24

so far I've been told that boys get a hormone surge at 4 and 5 .. so now its 6 eh?? ... methinks I see a pattern emerging

Original poster

coppertop · 24/04/2006 10:13

So many of these descriptions would fit ds1 perfectly, although thankfully not the weeing on the bed one. :o

There's something strangely comforting in the idea of it being age-related. I'm with Pixel in hoping it somehow disappears at the age of 7, and also with Ninaar and Anniebear in hoping it only affects boys.

How on earth do teachers cope with a class full of these 'teenage' 6yr-olds???

OP posts:

Saker · 24/04/2006 11:54

I have to say that Ds1 (NT) who is 6.5y is generally very well behaved at school although he can be a pain at home sometimes. I think it partly depends on personality as he is a very law-abiding sort in general and is horrified at the idea of being told off or getting into trouble with the teacher. He did have a phase of being more difficult just before he started school coming up to age 5 though it didn't extend to preschool or nursery.

I tend to agree with Jimjams that some of it may be a result of your Ds1 becoming less passive in general and realising he has choices, maybe seeing things less black and white. Ds2 (4) is quite passive in a lot of ways but recently he has got really stroppy and I'm sure some of that is a result of him feeling more confident and better able to communicate and testing the boundaries a bit more. I suppose it's a good thing in terms of becoming less autistic but not so good in the immediate consequences .

Kelly1978 · 24/04/2006 12:04

I think saker's post amkes a lot of sense. My ds has progressed quite a bit lately, and recently beginnign to drive me up the wall as he is becomign less passive. He is four in June and is startign to ask 'why?' a lot more, and generally question more and it is a bit of a shock to me - that he isn't as blindly obedient as he always has been. It feels like we are starting to go throught the terrle twos. two years later than we should have. But as much as it annoys me, it is a positive thing, and I have to be pleased for him!

InternationalGirl · 24/04/2006 14:25

Hi all - just to pipe in here - I don't think it is just a boy thing. DD2, with ASD having just turned 6 in March has become more of a stroppy little madam with shrieking "Nooooooo" at the top of her voice becoming common in our house. I think it is because she is becoming more confident with her communication and she is testing the boundaries. Often her negative reactions are because she has, once again, entered her 11yr old sister's room and started pulling things out of the closet and she doesn't want to be stopped.

I can totally understand your questioning of the reasons behind the change in behaviour - I also wonder if our dd is reacting because of the new baby or whether something else is different to have brought this on but I do mostly think it's an age/development thing. The next issue is how to deal with it... ... and does it go away after awhile...

jamsam · 24/04/2006 14:32

yep..its an age thing!
my d1 one is like the anti christ...only at 6 years old. he was lovely untill he turned 6. ok, he's had an awfull few months but he is still an evil little...

i do love him dearly, but there are times...

Original poster

coppertop · 24/04/2006 14:35

Ds1 definitely seems to be testing the boundaries atm. He seems to have finally realised that dh is far more of a soft touch than I am. Ds1 used to try the same stories on both of us, eg "I can't do X because my leg hurts/stomach hurts/head hurts." This morning I discovered that he'd sneaked off upstairs to tell dh that he (ds1) couldn't possibly go to school today because his leg hurt. When dh didn't give in, ds1 ran down the stairs to get his bag ready for school. He didn't even bother trying it on with me. Now he just needs to work on putting on a limp when claiming to have a sore leg. :o

IG - Does this mean I have to go through it all again with my dd too?? Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

OP posts:

madmarchhare · 24/04/2006 14:40

According to Steve Bidulph in his book Raising Boys, their masculinity kicks in at around 6.

Saker · 24/04/2006 16:00

CT - that shows great theory of mind!

dinosaure · 24/04/2006 16:03

Coppertop you might remember that I took myself off the special needs board for a while, only to come back when DS1's problems started to manifest themselves again following - guess what - a big meltdown at his sixth birthday!

So in answer to your question - yes, I think that DS1 definitely did go through a more difficult stage for a few months after turning six - but the good news is that he seems to have settled down again.

Eulalia · 24/04/2006 19:08

Definitely true about being more aware of things. Shopping is really difficult with ds as he wants everything. I think I mentioned the Easter Egg incident.... shouting "I WANT A BIG EASTER EGG NOW!!!" in the supermarket over and over. Me - "Why don't we get a small one". ds -"but I want a BIG one". And of course he always wants things immediately. V difficult at the time but funny looking back on it. Thing is he did finally compromise on a small one and then forgot all about it by the time we got home.

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