Children with special needs and siblings

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I would like a bit of help re ds1.

We are finally starting an assessment for AS with ds2 and CAMHS. Clearly a lot of our attention and energy is going towards ds2, both because his needs are higher and because arriving just there (CAMHS agreeing to assess) took time and energy.

But ds1 is being affected by the whole process/situation.

So how can I explain to ds1 that ds2 does need more attention, that his rages can not be treated the same as his rages, that expectations re his behaviour can not be the same as ds2 when ds2 doesn't have a diagnosis yet?
And manage to make him understand he is not left out/pushed aside and that we still love him just as much as we love ds2?

I don't know - but I hear you! We have DS (6) NT and DD (4) SN. As with you we wrestle with the enormous guilt about the fact that DD gets away with things that DS wouldn't. That we are constantly going to appointment for DD. That DS is asked to not do things because of how it will be for DD.

I let him talk about it (but I don't think he really understands that she has SN IYKWIM). However I also gently point out to him that actually life is a bit tougher for his sister. She doesn't have friends to speak of. She can't really interact with her peers at all. Things which he finds easy she finds hard etc. not to make him feel guilty, more to see that she has it pretty tough too.

Having said that, we are now feeling that DS needs some time one on one with us -so we are maiking time for it this weekend.

I don't know about you, but we also really struggle with the fact the DS has a sibling who he finds it hard to play with. The strain on everyone in the family when development goes wrong is huge.

This probably won't go down well with some, but I've stopped trying to explain.

I just say 'tough' and 'that's the way it is' to protests of unfairness, and then do as best as I can to level the playing field with actions and 1:1 time at weekends when dh is around.

The children seem to understand absolutes better than explanations, but then they are 6 (ASD) and 4 (NT). And tbh, once you get into explanation-land with dd, you'll never get out!

We don't really explain, but dd1 (nearly 10) knows that dd2 (nearly 8 ?ASD) has 'behaviour problems' (erm, it is pretty darn obvious!!!) our strategy is more to make sure dd1 has one-to-one time, does things that make her feel 'special' and 'older'. Particularly once dd2 is in bed and the dust has settled! That seems to be the time dd1 wants 'special time'. But also those snatched times and conversations in the car without dd2 etc. etc. we comment on how nice it is to spend quality time and be able to have a proper conversation etc. etc. I think when the NT sibling is older it is probably easier than when they are younger (natural privileges).

ds2 is high functioning and they are very close in age (18 months) with just one year difference at school.
So there is this sort of underlying idea where you sort of expect them to be able to do 'similar' things iyswim. I think a bigger gap would have been easier to handle.

@ Star, I can see where you are coming from and tbh in our case, I don't want to go into the explanation territory yet. It's hard enough to explain how ds2 function to the teacher/HCP wo trying to do so with a 9yo.

Behaviour problems are clear but ds1 seems to think it's just normal sibling fights .
@Prince, yes they are finding it hard to play together because of the communication issues on ds2 sides and the fact ds1 is terribly bossy. It also makes any family time difficult. We went out to play in the snow last weekend and it ended with ds1 very upset and isolating himself ('I hate ds2. I want him dead') because of what is really a communication issue....

Yy about spending 1-1 time with ds1. We don't seem to do that that often anymore.

zzz yep I agree with you on that one. Any comment along the lines 'He got more X with you than me' would be/is brushed aside .

The problem for me is that ds1 feels he is getting the short straw. So I need to find a way to explain/make him understand that it's not the case iyswim?
It's about his perception of things rather than whether it is actually fair or unfair.

zzzzz that's exactly what I did two months ago with ds1 ABA tutors for reasons which I won't go into.

Clearly great minds thnk alike.

I love zzzzzz's idea ( just need to learn French now lol )

You 'loved them' Dev?

I'm not really patient enough for much more than 'live with it' I'm afraid.

To save on money I once got in a young girl to play with DD so I could do ABA with ds (instead of paying an ABA tutor at 4x the price). I bigged it up to make it appear that it was HER special person, like ds had his special ABA tutors which hadn't gone unnoticed.

I think a lot can be said my making bigging up every day things into 'special treats'.

i.e. 'Hey dd, because you were such a good girl, you get extra peas'! when I realise I put a few too many on her plate etc. etc.

star I meant the scenario she used with her DH to explain her ds difficulties. I can categorically say that I didn't 'love' ds1 ABA tutors.

Luckily have biggish gap between mine (5.5 years) so when we had to go to appts etc with ds1 we just carted ds2 along and he didn't really understand or care tbh.
Now ds1 is older and his issues less severe so it's still not an issue...yet.
That may change though.
One perk is that ds1 is very understanding of ds2s (4) rages and tantrums - we can laugh about it and talk about the differences in behaviour at certain ages.
I am not sure what will happen in the future when - I assume - ds2 will outstrip ds1 in understanding/ability...I will cross that bridge when I come to it! :)

One of the things we have started doing with our children is ocassionally to go out on a shopping trip. DS goes with me and DD goes with DH and we support them chosing a small present for each other.

This has turned out to go better than I ever thought it could. They both have to consider careful the needs of the other, both when chosing the present and when reacting to what the other has bought for them.

I read about this in the introduction to Karen Pryor's 'Don't Shoot the Dog' which I have had forever but only just got around to reading. An excellent tip.