question about moving schools and friendships

[newbrunette]

Hi all, just looking for some perspective on this - would love to hear your experiences of similar situations. DS (aged 5, in Y1) has always struggled with friendships (suspected Aspergers) but suddenly seems to be playing with the same 2/3 boys at playtime (after spending most of the reception year sitting on the bench on his own).

This is obviously great news but we're actually considering moving schools (for various reasons) and I'm getting anxious that this would be a really bad time to do so - just as he's making friends, we make him start all over again. I'm worried he'll find it all too hard and start at square one again, and I don't want to do anything that's going to make it more difficult for him.

Although on a good day, I'll tell myself that he's reached the stage where friendships make sense for him and he's getting the skills to play with other kids, and that these skills could be transferred to the new school. I'm not sure any of these boys are real "friends" yet (haven't been round for tea etc) so maybe it wouldn't be such a loss. I have noticed him hooking up more easily with children he doesn't know too (eg at parks and playgrounds etc).

What does anyone think?

Hi - just bumping this one. Sorry if it's a really banal question (or if the answer is obvious) but would really appreciate any thoughts/details of any similar experiences. Thanks so much

i can only go on our experience - we moved DD out of her YR place before the the end of the summer term and waited (sort of HE) for a place to be allocated at her new school.

it was a gamble, in so much as we weren't sure how long it would take to get her a place at the new school, but for us (and her) urgency was the key. the school was not right for her.

basically, you have to weigh up YOUR options and make a decision.

sorry i can't be more specific, could you give a few details as to why you're thinking of moving him out?

Hi there, thanks so much for replying. The main reasons for thinking the current school isn't right for him are:

• they haven't supported ds well - throughout reception year, they failed to do anything (even things they'd promised to do) to help him socially. Left to fend for himself (terrified) in playground
• SENCO is useless - treats our concerns as a joke
• teachers defensive - don't welcome parental input - class teacher accused me or trying to "micromanage" her when I suggested some tactics that I knew would help ds participate better in class
• school handled recent bullying incidents (fortunately not involving ds) really poorly and doesn't seem to be doing anything to stop them recurring
• headteacher not managing school well - staff are apparently all demoralised.

Despite all this, he has progressed and now seems to be on the verge of making friendships. I just don't want to do anything that's going to halt this development. I wonder if a move might be too disruptive for him, and whether making friends with a whole new bunch of kids might prove too hard.

based on that information, if you can find a school with a place - get him in asap (before Y3, this is when a massive change in school format kicks in)

early intervention is they key, lots of children learn academic stuff despite poor in-put from school, but it's the other stuff they learn that is damaging. our children may not have natural social ability, but they still pick up negative vibes.

have you got a new school in mind? go and visit as many as you can, don't take DS with you, but ask them all the same questions.

IME, DD thinks all children are her 'friend' - she doesn't place the same value on relationships with peers as we NTs do - maybe this will be the same for you DS?

That's a hard choice, head versus heart, I guess. I would go with the long term view here, a bit of pain now for better gain later. I expect it'll be really sad for you to move your DS from his 'friends' but I think even in NT DC of that age friendships are fluid. It could easily be worse for you than for him. I would say move him the earlier the better.

Hi, this is all so useful - thanks so much for taking the time to reply. We had a nightmare morning this morning with DS screaming that he didn't want to go in (the only thing he can tell us that he doesn't like is that sometimes he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. I think this is when he's asked to write something and just left to it (he struggles with handwriting and needs more help than he's being given - another thing they have promised and not provided). It also turns out that he sometimes wants to play with these 2 or 3 boys and they won't let him. So not really a brilliant situation.

We do have a school in mind but they've been very vague about how they would support him (eg "It all depends on the child - they're all individuals" etc etc). Are there any specific questions you would recommend we ask?

Just to complicate things. the school we have in mind (which does have a place for him but we need to decide straight away) is a new school - a "free school" - so, while the facilities are great and the staff seem lovely and caring, they don't have a track record of SEN as a school.

i'm assuming you're in England, OP?

Parent Partnership website has a comprehensive list to use as a guide when selecting a school for a child with SEN - have you ever looked that over?

Your DS's comment about not knowing what to do reminded me of my son at that age. He was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 5 and is 11 now. My DS has a tendency to compartmentalise so where most children would understand a school routine and realise what was expected, my DS would take into consideration external factors. So he would think something along the lines of 'I had cornflakes for breakfast so x will happen at school today.So I must do y'. When the routine didn't pan out as expected then he would either cry or have a meltdown. He spent most of reception totally confused, but as the work got more structured things got better.

If Asperger children cannot understand the rules and what is expected of them, they attempt to create their own rules to bring some sense of order to the world. This can bring them into conflict with other, and it may be with his fledgling friendship s he is attempting to dominate, which is putting the others off. My own DS only keeps friends who are quite laid back and easy going.
I realise that your DS has no dx at present, but your situation rang so many bells, I thought I'd chip in.

Thanks all. DameMargot thanks for the Parent Partnership tip. Is your DD now in the new school? How is it going? Did you have to wait long for a place at the new one? And how did you know it waw the "right" one?

Sunnymeg that's really interesting insights. I think I'm only just getting round to working out how his mind works... I think he doesn't always listen to instructions as he sort of tunes out. Will respond immediately and willingly if something's directed at him but otherwise just drifts a bit I think. Can I ask about your ds - have his friendship skills developed as he's got older? Or have things actually got harder as others become more sophisticated socially?

To be honest it is a bit of both. He is more able to strike up conversations with other children and adults than he used to be, although he still has a tendency to steer the conversations around to what he wants to talk about. The main problem we are finding is that most of his friends now have a lot more freedom than he does. DS is unable
to cross the road safely, he doesn't get traffic and he can only use a pedestrian or zebra crossing; so he still needs adult support. We live opposite the park. His friends walk down to us and then I have to take them over the road and hang about whilst they play football. I know he is getting teased about this, so I think sooner or later they will stop calling for him.

DD is in her new school and although she's still got her problems, the communication between us and staff is on a whole other level.

we knew the school would be better for a few reasons

a) it wasn't the old one

b) they had been under a 'superhead' who has set up autism friendly strategies across the whole school - her 'own' school is a sight to behold, personal workstations in every class so children can dip in/out of whole class activities as they need to.

c) it was that or HE, and i couldn't do that myself - too much to take on

there is a DSP unit on the same site too, so the staff are very SEN- aware, even if not to DDs specific DX.

we had to wait 3 mths (with lots of pestering and support from various organisations)

whereabouts in the country are you, OP?

PM me if you'd rather not say on thread