Possible Odd? Please help :(

[TwinkleToes64]

Hi everyone,

Am after any advice or words of wisdom people may have please.

We have reached crisis point with our eldest daughter basically. Have researched Oppositional defiant disorder and she ticks most of the boxes, at home.

But....

She is perfectly behaved at school. Teachers say she is friendly, happy, helpful, has a great set of friends etc Until now her educational level has been right where it should be, spelling seems to have taken a bit of a hit recently though.

Just at home she is a nightmare We keep to routines, have a few simple clear house 'rules', have a good healthy balanced diet, exercise, has free access to 'family' areas and her own quiet space. I am a childminder and work with my husband as assistant so am well aware that having a house full of other peoples children isn't going to help but we really have tried to separate our 'work' from our home. As we work together there is always one of us that can be free to help with homework, read or just sit and talk.

Does any of this sound familiar? Can it be ODD if she is well behaved at school?

Thanks in advance

Could be ODD. Could be ASD. Could be PDA.

Could be that she's simply got stuck in bad habits, or she's had some bad experience she can't tell you about, or she's depressed, or she hates little kids sharing mum&dad, or that somehow you and DH are reinforcing the unwanted behaviours.

How to talk so kids will listen and 1-2-3 magic are a good start If you haven't read them already.

Oh yes I know where you're coming from! My eldest is almost 9 and has a dx of ADHD but isn't medicated her behaviour has taken a real nosedive lately and she's sooo rude at home. I spoke to school and they say she's no different to normal there which exasperates me! I can cope with hyperactivity but I cannot cope with defiance and down right rudeness it tires me and stresses me. No advice really. We have done 123 magic which worked in the beginning and I have How to talk so kids will listen but seem to have mislaid it so will dig it out for a re read!

Thanks for the suggestions, we have both those books and after some initial improvement they had no long term effect.
The biggest 'problem' is her violence. She will, and does, lash out at anyone/anything close if she feels like it. She has had us barricaded in our bedroom with my husband pushing the door closed while she was smashing her room to bits and launching things at us.
Her younger sister,6, is terrified of her and has more than a few war wounds. We have never used physical punishments, as childminders we are well rehersed in distraction, effective commincation, behaviour management plans etc but none of it works with her.

Feel a total failure, both as a mother and a childcare professional.

I know it is another book recommendation but I have found the book 'happier, easier, calmer parenting' really useful.

Oh dear twinkle sounds difficult. We have only had a handful of violent incidents thankfully but they are difficult for the whole family. Can you go to your GP and ask for a referral to camhs? We found them very useful in our area for both my daughters. Sometimes they are inclined to just advise you to go on parenting courses but as you're a childninder you can say you've been there done that read the books etc and tell them you need real help! My dd is very different at home from.school and we still got a dx

Hi Twinkle, you don't say how old you're daughter is? Some of what you say rings a few bells with me. I too thought my son had ODD, however he did not quite fit the discription and like you're daughter nursery/school was ok ish, at least not violent! At home is another matter. I was advised to research PDA , when I read the discription it was 100% him, and often behaviour at school is better than home.

May be worth asking her more questions about school, as it might be that she bottles up stress at school - re:social expectations, sensory issues, and lets it out when she gets home. If she is well behaved and not disruptive, teachers aren't likely to feel anything is amiss.

Thanks so much for all your advice and comments. It really helps as everyone i speak to in RL just doesn't believe me!!

I'll look again at the book reccomendations and give some new ones a go and also look into PDA.

Walter4 My daughter is soon to be 8 years old, tbh she has been like this from around 18 months, slowly getting worse. She never grew out of the terrible twos!!

I have asked her how she can be so good at school but lose it when at home and she does say she gets angry at school but holds it in. Then as soon as she leaves it all comes flooding out. I allow her some more leeway after school and encourage her to have her own space but it happens at weekends and holidays just as much so not totally the cause.

Twinkle, my son has been difficult since birth, very different as a baby even. He does short days at school, yet explodes/ begins demands the moment he is out. He is too young to express it but I know he keeps a low profile to avoid demands at school.At home we use PDA methods and no demands at all. I feel his home life enables him to cope with school. How is youre daughter with her peers?PDA is very complex and they can appear so able and confident at times that its hard for people to see how much they do really struggle.