Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

DD (ASD) separation anxiety settling into nursery school. Advice welcomed :-(

14 replies

Strikeuptheband · 20/01/2013 23:08

DD (3) has always been clingy towards me in general. She has been ok in the past being left with a couple of close family members (her daddy, her gran, etc) but occasionally has been really distressed and I have had to return home early a couple of times. So when she was offered an early (January) place at nursery I thought it would be a good idea as she would be able to have a long time to settle in nursery, and maybe it would give me time to get things done so I can focus on her needs more when she is at home. She has ASD, but is increasingly verbal. We have a reasonably good autism outreach team and support - EY funding for a 1-1 and a very nice nursery.

Anyway, she started last week. In the beginning, I went in with her for a couple of sessions but stayed out of the way, then tried leaving the room for 5 minutes at a time. All OK. She uses a picture timetable at home as knowing what is happening is very important to her. We used this throughout to show when I was coming back. On day 3 I arrived in the morning and we tried leaving for a bit longer - DD could not cope and became very very upset after about an hour. Ever since then we have taken it very slowly and she was so upset since that I haven't been able to leave her side let alone the room.

What on earth do we do? She's been so anxious all weekend, never leaving my side. I feel so sad and low about what is in her future (apparently, a lot of anxiety Sad). She has been so much more confident in the months before this (attending parent and toddler groups etc) but obviously hadn't been left yet as in the past she has been much worse.

Please help if you can. Any advice or experiences appreciated.

OP posts:
Needathickerskin · 20/01/2013 23:56

Personally, I would consider leaving it a few months, if you are able.
Not rushing in.
Going to 'visit' regularly, staying with her until her confidence improves, before you consider leaving the room etc again.
Let her get to know the nursery routine by going at different times of day.

Did similar with ds and sooner than I expected, he was pushing me away as, presumably, he twigged parents weren't meant to be there until home time!

All the best, it's heart wrenching x

zzzzz · 21/01/2013 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackeyedsusan · 21/01/2013 00:46

(((hugs)))

tough isn't it?

ds is asd and clings like anything. someone mentionedhim staying in junior church today. that is really going to help his anxiety... i am cross which Is why i am slightyly hijcking... sorry.

for rme, I thought long term. getting him ready for school. slow start... reduced hourrs, a day off once a week. building up to full sessions towads the end of term read to go to school.

babiki · 21/01/2013 08:06

We were going in with ds for several weeks, then leaving him for half an hour, then hour etc- all in all it took about 2 months, but now he loves preschool. I was on the verge of giving up when he suddenly changed his mind and he never cried since - adores his teacher. We did take teacher's photo and she came for coffee few times... So I would suggest try again but even slower approach, or give it a few months. Just to clarify ds is not asd though, just significant GDD. Good luck, it's tough.

Ineedmorepatience · 21/01/2013 10:46

I agree with slowing down.

I work with a LO with Asd, we encouraged her family to bring her once a week to preschool throughout the summer term.

During this time she rarely left her mums side but when she started on her own in september she settled really well and is now settled and happy to come.

We also made a photo book with a pics of the room, toys and staff.

My experiences with my own Dd with Asd have been very different, she was always rushed to settle and has found it very difficult.

Good luckSmile

MummytoMog · 21/01/2013 11:53

I second the suggestion of making her a photobook, telling her the story of nursery, like a visual timetable, so that she knows you're coming back. You could start with a version where you stay with her, then one where you come back after ten minutes, then one where you leave her for slightly longer etc etc.

DD (speech and social delay) has very rarely had any anxiety about being apart from me or DH unless she's unwell, but she has a really good relationship with her CM, and then with her TA. If you can develop that relationship between her and someone at school, that should help too.

Original poster
Strikeuptheband · 21/01/2013 17:12

Thank you so much for all of your responses so far Smile.
We haven't been this morning due to snow (they are closed), but have spoken to school and autism outreach and they have both agreed that we slow it down, so that is no problem. I am planning on maybe sticking around in the background for this week and only taking her in for a short time, rather than the full time. I did wonder if she was too 'young' but I do think with this anxiety she will still find it hard to settle whenever she starts?

OP posts:
Ineedmorepatience · 21/01/2013 17:18

I agree that she will go through it at some point and doing it now really slowly could help for the future.

I am glad you are getting suport from the school.

Separation anxiety can be long lasting but if she is handled carefully now it might become less of a problem for her.

Fingers crossed for you Smile

Original poster
Strikeuptheband · 21/01/2013 20:14

Thanks :-)

I was also wondering...if she does cry when I am trying to leave, is it better to still leave or is it better to abandon the idea until she is calmer? I just wondered because I was torn...if I leave it may make things much worse but if I stay am I just teaching her that wailing at me is a way to stop things happening? Any opinions?

OP posts:
babiki · 21/01/2013 23:13

Out tutor insisted it is important to collect ds while he is still OK - for him to create positive thinking about preschool.. So it's good to turn up before they start crying. . It did work, perhaps you can present it as new strategy to preschool. Also it really is very important he has a special person there and creates a bond, once that happened, ds was fine.

babiki · 21/01/2013 23:16

Sorry I read it again: I wouldn't leave if she is crying, I only started to leave once ds was calm... I stayed in with him for weeks, luckily the stuff were supportive. At first I was doing things with him ( otherwise he wouldn't move) and then gradually I tried to stay 'behind', sitting on the chair and being very boring :) and his 1-1 tried to engage him.

Original poster
Strikeuptheband · 22/01/2013 21:21

Thanks so much again everyone for all of your very valuable advice. It has helped me to move forward and this morning it was much better. DD was very upset and not wanting to go - but visibly relaxed when I told her I was staying, and started to even look like she was having fun by the end of the hour (took her home then). I don't know how long it will take before I can leave her but luckily they are being supportive of my idea to do this.

I really am very grateful for everyone who took the time to answer my call for help! DD went to bed a much happier person tonight and hopefully she'll be even more willing to go in tomorrow.

OP posts:
Ineedmorepatience · 22/01/2013 21:52

Bless her, I agree with babiki if you can take her home happy, she will settle quicker.

When you do start leaving her again, if she is upset when you get back, stay a while and let her calm down. Going home with a smile and happy thoughts will help her to feel more positive about going back[hopefully].

babiki · 22/01/2013 22:00

Strikeuptheband that's really good :) excellent preschool is being supportive! Good luck!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page