When did you tell your DC they had ASD (if at all)?

[BacardiNCoke]

DD1 is 9 (10 in April) and we finally got a DX of ASD in February of last year. In the past 6 months she has started to become so aware that she is "different" to her peers. She struggles immensely academically. She has never been aware of this before though so it never effected her self esteem or confidence. She was always very much on her own little world. But more recently she has become a lot more self aware. I think it's possibly to do with hormones, she's starting to develop now and is getting spots etc. But she's started saying things like, "I'm stupid, I can't read." "I don't like school everyone is cleverer than me."

We do reassure her as much as possible and try to "big up" her strengths as much as we can. But I can see it's only going to start getting worse for her as she gets older and more self aware. She notices that she's only 1 level above dd2 (6) in her reading book, and she knows that kids in her class are reading Harry Potter books. She loves the Enid Blyton Faraway Tree and Wishing Chair books which I've read to her, but some of her classmates are reading them by themselves now and she gets so upset that she can't.

So I'm wondering if trying to explain to her about ASD and what it is and that she has it might help her. That she's not all stupid and just has a condition that makes he brain behave differently sometimes. I don't know how much she'll understand really though, also not sure whether it'll do more harm than good if it just becomes something else that makes her different.

Hard one, Barcardi, but if she's struggling with self esteem anyway, a balanced explanation of ASD with as many positives as negatives may help her. You know her best, keep it simple at her level. My DS2 has ASD (and not Aspergers) and I told him at 11. He didn't have the same self esteem issues though, (completely egocentric!) otherwise I may have told him earlier. There seem to be a few books aimed at those DC with Aspergers but I haven't seen any on ASD, TBH, so I just did the 'brain works differently/ not better not worse/ things you can do really well (slight poetic licence may be needed here) / things you find hard / some good role models (Bill Gates etc)'

DS1 was undiagnosed at that age but we shared the diagnoses with him as they came in age 11. For years prior to that he had described himself as stupid - his attainment was above average at KS1 but below average at KS2. He had no way to make sense of this and believed that 'the stupid gene got into my head' and that he would get more 'stupid' over time. This is a terrible fear to live with on a daily basis. The main thing is that once he had an alternative explanation that did not rely on self-blame, his self-esteem improved enormously. It didn't make him feel different - he already felt that way - but it enabled him to explain his difference to himself in a non-self-punitive way.

It can be difficult to find off-the-shelf material that is relevant for a child with his combination of hf ASD and SpLD but we checked out the resources on youtube. DS1 is a gifted artist and so there were plenty of undiagnosed great artists of the past (although I'm not sure that van Gogh is a good role model to draw on.

My children were diagnosed at 2 and a half and at 3.

We decided to not tell them until we felt they were capable of understanding. (they were up at the top end of the CARS. didn't talk, didn't come out of nappies until after they were at school, etc) so they wouldn't have understood.

My eldest is 13 now and we've told him. Because I am a horrible parent I can't remember exactly when we told him, but it was only within the last couple of years. He didn't understand at first, we've had many, many conversations about it. Still do. He now uses it very well. "I can't tidy my room cos I'm autistic" Har. Get up there, buggerchops! . He needed to know because he's aware he's different and he is beginning to feel very depressed about it (talk of killing himself. Cahms involvement)

My youngest, 12, doesn't know. I don't think, anyway. It's hard to tell. We don't avoid talking about it, he's heard the word, and in relation to himself, he just doesn't understand what it means. He sat in his last annual review and didn't have a clue. He just exists right here, right now. He doesn't give any indication of any real self awareness. He just does what makes him happy. (right now, he's watching In The Night Garden, Octonaughts, etc. Makes him happy.) So there's no point telling him. He wouldn't understand and he wouldn't give a shit even if he did

Tell her if she's feeling bad about herself. It can help them to understand why they feel so different. If they do. If they care!

Yes - the 'excuse' is wheeled out to get out of various things or to explain behaviour and I have to remind him that the diagnosis does not mean that he can't be a pain in the butt!! All in all though this is better than the emotional and psychological suffering he was experiencing.

DS wouldn't understand so it's not been mentioned to him, however we have used the word around him and so have others.

My Dd3 was nearly 10 when I told her about her diagnosis. She doesnt struggle academically but is roughly 2 yrs delayed socially and emotionally.

We use all the terms with her, she has a diagnosis of ASD but we talk about aspergers and autism as well.

There is a news round extra about autism which is quite good.

I have read Freaks, Geeks and Asperger syndrome by Luke
Jackson and in that he talks about the relief of knowing about his diagnosis and finally knowing why he was different. Despite the title I recommend the book.

Good luck