Oh sh*t I think I want a second..

[Firsttimer7259]

Just need to say this somewhere and also get some other people's experiences. We have a DD (nearly 3, severe GDD). We knew we def wanted 1 child, unsure about 2 so its a departure for me. We couldnt afford a second just now and are only just inching our way to having our heads above water in terms of the care needs of DD. PLus H has MS diag - altho he is well most of the time.

But...I feel the creeping need for a second child...it would be more than we can handle if second has the same as DD. And even if not, its not do-able just now but...maybe when DD is going on 5 we could try for another... I am getting on which isnt great - will be going on 40 then...oh dear...

I'd love experiences of people who have gone on to have more children after a having a child with SN. I know there's hundreds of factors involved and no 2 families will be the same but wonder about RL upsides and downsides. Anyone care to share?

DD has some undefined developmental delay/language disorder/hearing problem. She is 3.4 with almost no receptive language, a lot of rote phrases (some of which are useful thankfully), not potty trained, not dressing herself, not using cutlery and a number of other 'fun' things. She has no great physical needs though, we just treat her like a two year old. I had DS (NT so far as anyone can tell) when she was 18 months old, and before any problems became apparent. He is the best possible thing for her. She ignored him for two months, hated him for a year and now absolutely adores him. She interacts with him beautifully, she tries to talk to him, she plays running games with him (she doesn't do any of that with other children), she cuddles up to him when she feels poorly. Do it. You will manage.

I have a ds, 3.8 with GDD & a few other issues. Am currently 26wks pregnant. We waited longer than all our friends to go for a 2nd,although we always knew we'd like another if poss. Before, it wasn't the right time. And then...it was! I don't know what changed-i think mentally I was in a much better place, I'm much more confident about dealing with ds's needs,lots of things.

I think only the 2 of you can know when it's the right time, & even then it's a huge leap of faith isn't it. I have been very different this preg,purely down to the issues we had last time and am more nervous about the birth.

& can't help after this point-will let you know after April if I still think it was a good idea :) All the very best whatever you decide.

I have one and would LOVE another. When DS was little we were skint, responsible, and our relationship was stretched to it's limits so we didn't have a 2nd dc. It's all I can think about some days. Trouble is I'm now single.

Thinking of the upsides of not having a 2nd....

• DS has come on so much as he is given my undivided attention
• DS has more opportunities and experiences as finances aren't as stretched.
• I only have to muster the energy for the one, and at times I find the struggle as he is pretty high maintenance.

Doesn't stop me feeling sad and broody though!

my dd1 has severe asd.

she was dx'd at 2.8, 2 months after dd2 was born. although she had been in the system for nearly 2 years by then, so we knew a dx was coming well before I got pregnant with dd2.

dd1 is 8 now, and dd2 is nearly 6. I had ds last summer - he is coming up 6 months.

dd2 is quirky, and getting quirkier. ds obviously we'll have to wait and see, but the signs so far (eye contact, sociability, interest in toys/the world around him) are good.

dd2 was the best thing we did for dd1 - as good as any therapy. and hopefully, as ds starts developing, he will also have a similar effect, and dd1 can revisit all the skipped/missed developmental stages as she did when dd2 went through them.

dd1 and dd2 are very close - they share a bedroom (by choice), and play really well together.

Don't underestimate the value to your dd of a sibling. It will be very hard at times, especially when they overtake, but as they develop they give a push from behind and then a pull from in front.

I'll be honest and say that you are definately pulled between their needs, but I'm so please I have dd (er that's a general statement, not an absolutely NOW statement - driving me bonkers) and went onto have a 3rd which is hard like you wouldn't BELIEVE but so so so brilliant for all of us.

This, exactly this.

Thank you lovely ladies. Its nice to hear about the positive spin offs you've seen. Poor H - eyes went v wide! Not just yet but I think in next 2 years we will give it another whirl. Im starting to realise I feel someones missing

theres never a right time, never a perfect time.
If you want another child just go for it!
We are a little different as it si ds2 that is disabled, (Cerebral palsy, autism & LD).
But ds1 is absolutly the best thing for ds2, ds2 has the most "normal" relationaship with ds1, ds1 treats him just like the annoying little brother that he can be, but the love each other completely.
I of course love them both equally but I do have a different relationship with them

For my family, it's having siblings that gives DS2 the best, most NT relationship. DS2 wasn't DXed when I got pregnant with DS3 and I really had no worries about him at that stage, so I didn't have the same angst, I just wanted another baby. Having siblings has been nothing but positive for my boys, and for me. Life cannot just revolve around DS2.

Didn't know about dc1's needs when we had dc2. Dc3 was a welcome surprise really, as we weren't coping particularly well. The first 12 months was very dodgy, in hindsight, with practical difficulties and stress etc. after that there were still challenges, but we'd raised our game. The "someone's missing" feeling is gone, and that has been really positive for all of us.

My situation is very screwy. Twins first. TDD has a craniofacial syndrome that required a lot of nursing (5mos in NICU), then feeding tubes, trachy, lots of SLT, feeding therapies, very sick all of the time. Start turning a corner and have DS3 when they're 6. DS4 pops out 16 mos later with the same syndrome as TDD but a mild form. TDS is then dx with AS and then I realise that DS4 has severe ASD as well as being Deaf like TDD! So I suppose you can never be sure about anything can you.

Yesterday, I popped into see DS3's best friends mum and new baby. I'm holding the new baby looking at him as I give him a bottle and I notice that he has a preauricular pit by his ear and his feet look like they've got slight talipes. How awful am I? I am so used to recognising genetic markers now, that I realised that he may well have a mild "something". He's beautiful, but I didn't say anything as it would be seen as a criticism - which it wasn't.

We thought that we could cope with another when DS was 3. He is severely globally delayed with an extremely rare metabolic condition. THey do not know which gene it is, but the geneticist said that the chances of us having another child with the same condition was 1 in 4. I thought that a 75% chance of an unaffected child was good odds.

I got pregnant with non identical twins. I quite enjoyed the pregnancy as any worrying thoughts were cancelled out by the excitement of having twins. Unfortunately they both have the same condition as DS1. They are 7 months old and starting to fall behind in their milestones.

I have found the past 7 months really tough emotionally and am 100% sure that we won't have any more although I would love to experience having a child that develops 'typically'.

The twins have been really good for DS1, although I do not have nearly as much time for him. Fortunately he got a place for 2 days a week at a special needs nursery just before the twins were born so he still gets the stimulation that he needs for some of the week.

If you do have more than one you just find a way to cope. I have been surprised by my resilience in the face of a crappy situation, but I have noticed that my previously positive outlook on life has changed significantly.

Out of all the families I know in real life, I only know of one other family with more than one child with special needs.

I'd love another child, but age and a lack of a partner are against me.

Oddly enough DS's disabilities have never been my real stressor, it's been negotiating "system". My personality has changed since having DS, and I'm a LOT tougher & less naive nowadays so wouldn't tolerate the same nonsense a second time around iyswim.

Had I the opportunity I'd go for it in a heartbeat (and at least one of DS's issues are genetic).

I have a DD with ASD (plus other dx) and we have decided to stop at one. SN/disability advocacy has been a big part of my life since she was diagnosed (got dx four years ago and she is 8 now). I know that I've been able to fight for her and carry out interventions/treatments for her that physically wouldn't have been possible if I had a younger to worry about too (e.g. sometimes I've had to travel away from home with DD and I know other mums who couldn't access those things because they needed to care for younger siblings). And for DD, who is quite a passive child, it's been good for her to have a calm home environment where DH and I have been able to focus on her needs. I know of families where their dc really struggle with a busy, noisy household.

In contrast to StillinMyPJs, I know many many families with more than one child with SN. But this is mostly through autism groups, and autism is widely accepted as having a genetic element. I have to admit, although I admire the mums who are coping with 2 or 3 dc on the spectrum, I'm often glad that I'm not in that position. It's expensive, it can mean having several SEND tribunals, dealing constantly with schools/exclusion/LAs/SS/housing.

DD is quite settled in her current school now (specialist, private, fought for with legal funding which we couldn't have afforded if we'd had other dc) and I have my life back, I have more of a social life and personal interests - which I've heard many parents of children with SN say doesn't exist in their world. I know it sounds a bit selfish for thinking this, but it's really hard to find time for yourself as a parent of a child with extra needs, so adding more demands on my time with another child - which might well have additional needs - just didn't make sense to me.

my dd has a genetic disorder that is one in four too but I have a new partner so was able to know he wasn't a carrier before the pregnancy.
but her learning difficulties and seizures and hearing could be genetic too as she and me share a gene deletion whsuch may or may not be relevant to her issues. in the pregnNancy I didn't worry much but I suddenly panicked around the birth that it was that and that it would cause d d 2 the same problems.
now it seems d d 1 has autism so I sometimes watch dd2 (6months three weeks) but it is all so different this time round anyway. And it is hard work but good for them both to have each other,more all the time.

I only have one and only ever planned one. I have days when I think that was the right decision and days when I think it was the wrong one but too late now at 42 /DH 46.

I envy other women that 'ease' they have with a second baby, I am in a way sad that my only experience of parenting (esp with a tiny one) was fretful and difficult - that's not down to DS difficulties, just to it all being very new to me and me being petrified I'd get it all wrong. I think to have a second one would be a lot easier and more instinctive. I also think that parenting an AS child makes you very good at parenting - you have a system, structure, strategies that all children relate to. I'm very close to a number of friends' kids and can see how the way I approach things for DS works very well for them.

I also agree with boc - the biggest stresses with DS have been the system, not DS. I know the system now so would be more than able for round #2 if it came to that.

But I'm rambling - long story short is, I'm sticking to one because I was always sticking to one, but I wouldn't let DS condition put me off #2 if I were that way inclined.

I have a dd who has hemiplegic CP, microcephaly and an expressive speech delay all casued by negligence in labour.

I am currently pg with our second and last baby, we decided we wanted her to have a sibling to push from behind and pull from in front (best description ever) and to have a support for her as we get older as well as someone to share a childhood with and remove some of the intensity of always focusing on her needs.

We did always want two though. Im finding this pregnancy emotionally and physically exhausting. I hope so much dd and her sibling do end up being friends!

DS (2.1) has a severe visual impairment and another medical condition that requires a lot of interventive treatment (operations, etc). We always wanted more than child but kept putting it off because we were so knackered and busy dealing with the other stuff. In the end, we just went, "ah, fuck it - things are not going to get any better any time soon, so we might as well go for it now as later" and the result is that I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with DC2 (DH and I are normally very cautious types who plan things very carefully so that sort of recklessness is quite out of character, but as someone pointed out upthread, it's a huge leap of faith to have children anyway.)

We've already had several wobbles about how we will cope, but we feel that the huge benefits to DS (and us!) of his having a sibling should outweigh the difficulties [optimistic]. Assuming that DC2 isn't also disabled (!), I think we're both apprehensive about parenti

Oops. We are both apprehensive about parenting a "normal" child: DS's VI and medical treatment have affected all areas of his development so profoundly that we no longer know what "normal" is. But whatever happens, we feel better able to deal with it as a result of our experience with DS - and we are certain that we won't regret the decision to have DC2

Congratulations Mackerella. That's lovely news.

Not sure if it helps, but we have a chromosome mutation we didn't know about. DS1 was only 9 months when I became preganant again and we were in blissful ignorance of the whole situation. DS1 was 2.3 when concerns were raised (and DS2 was 9 months).

A few years later.... DS1 has ASD, chronic ear infections meaning at best his hearing is still 25DB below normal (a lot worse than that most of the time), allergies, possible epilepsy, and various other things we're not sure about yet.

DS2 however, appears to be absolutely fine. Is rarely ill and hitting all milestones at about the right time. I've yet to get DS2 assessed for everything as we're still on the wait list.

Had we known all we know about DS1 when considering another, I don't think we'd have done it. Had I heard of chromosome mutations early in pregnancy through testing - I can't say what I've have done as I've no idea and there's no point looking back.

But, here we are and all is going OK. DS1 has made life though for DS2 at times, but he is also a lovely big brother at others. They're a fine pair of boys, and bring much happiness to us. They're also hard work and leave us utterly exhausted at other times, but overall we wouldn't have it any other way.