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Original poster

Meltdown before school - any tips?

16 replies

newbrunette · 08/01/2013 20:31

Hi all, we had a horrible morning this morning and I'm dreading tomorrow. Would be grateful for any tips of how to handle things in case we have a repeat of this morning....

DS (aged 5, suspected Aspergers) has been getting more and more shouty and screamy over the last few weeks. But he's never before complained about going to school and always manages to reserve his meltdowns for home (or school pickup time). I'm always living in fear that he's going to lose it at school and then won't be able to stop himself once he's done it once.

Anyway, this morning he wanted to finish reading his book when it was time to go to school. He'd been grumpy all morning and the whole thing escalated. Dh managed to get him out of the door but he was shouting most of the way there. We hoped he'd calm down on the way but he didn't, he carried on shouting in the playground, and refused to go in. In the end, DH took him for a walk, ds calmed down and led DH calmly back to school and went in smiling. Came out smiling this afternoon as well.

With hindsight, we could have handled it much better, and it probably wasn't a great idea to bundle him out of the house while he was still raging. But I'm at a bit of a loss as to the best way to deal with this. I don't want him to control us with this kind of behaviour, or to let him think that, if he doesn't want to go to school, he just needs to shout a lot.

He says there's no reason he doesnt want to go - just wanted to finish his book. But he's not good at talking about his emotions. In some ways I'm surprised this is the first time we've had a school protest as I don't think he always enjoys being there that much (although this year is better than last) and doesn't really have proper friends.

Tomorrow I will have to deal with this alone (along with dd, who is gettting quite used to the sound of her brother's screaming) as DH has to leave early for a meeting. It doesn't help that I have a horrible flu-type thing going on.

Any tips would be gratefully received. I feel like I need some kind of strategy.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 08/01/2013 20:36

get up earlier. leave more time. meltdowns are worse when you are late and are trying to hurry things along, and then you end up later. bitter experience

trry to keep calm.

try to offer two choices.. would you like to finish your book at school or after school? (not guarenteed to stop a melt down at all but sometimes works, sometimes)
(must take own aadvice, must take own advice)

mariammama · 08/01/2013 20:52

Yep, put the book in the car to read en route, or in bag to be opened on arrival at school. Spare uniform in another bag with a takeaway breakfast so you can leave unfed and half-dressed if need be.

Would do same preparations for dd as if his kick-off isn't working, he'll probably manage to wind her up sufficiently for her to start too [another bitter experience emoticon].

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname · 08/01/2013 20:57

Try a visual timetable for the morning and stick to it, maybe? If there's a clear routine and no argument allowed, that may help? Include extra cards for things like, rainy morning, go in car, dry morning, walk etc.

Original poster

newbrunette · 08/01/2013 20:57

Thanks blackeyedsusan, I will try to plan a calm, leisurely morning... I'm really strugglng with the keeping calm thing at the moment. I used to be quite good at it but my patience is failing at the moment. I feel so cross and helpless when he's shouting and stamping his feet - it's really started to wind me up as he just sounds like a spoilt child (eg this morning, screaming as he didn't like the breakfast choices).

OP posts:

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname · 08/01/2013 20:58

Include breakfast choices on the timetable. Have a choice of 2 each day, so he feels in control a bit?

Original poster

newbrunette · 08/01/2013 21:05

Thanks mariamamma and EllenJane for your great tips too. We do have a routine that he's usually OK with, just lots of dragging his feet about getting dressed etc. We could try the visual timetable but he's usually pretty good about knowing what's happening when etc. This morning, he just wanted to argue about absolutely everything.

The book in question is a ridiculously heavy book of facts (xmas present from my stepfather) so we can't really take it with us. I think he'd just got cosy and didn't want to move but, at the moment, the yelling starts almost immediately he can't get exactly what he wants - even if it's normal everyday stuff.

OP posts:

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname · 08/01/2013 21:10

I think the best thing about the visual timetale is that it's there in black and white and therefore can't be argued with! So any fussing and you refer to the timetable, deflecting his anger away from you. It's not that he doesn't know what he should do next, but if he is arguing it might work.

I used to use an electronic timer for limiting PC time etc. when it went off, it wasn't me telling DS2 to come off the PC, it was the timer, which couldn't be argued with. It's just an idea, but that sort of thing can be surprisingly successful.

Ineedmorepatience · 08/01/2013 21:12

I second the visual timetable but finishing a book would be a problem here too.

Dd3 gets really stressed if she has to stop doing something when she hasnt finished.

You need to get to know what he will move on from and what he wont, then dont allow him to start the things he wont move on from unless you have time to finish.

This could be for the long haul, Dd3 is 10 now and transitions are still the most challenging part of her ASD.

You are going to have to set some routines up so that you can get out of the house, on your own with your LO.

Remember to choose your battles and make your life easier not harder.

good luck

Hopeforever · 08/01/2013 21:14

Is there an older child at school that your DS likes?

My DD waits for a child in Reception twice a week who hates the transition to school. As she knows my DD will be waiting for her it hurries her to school as she likes walking in with her (according to the mum of the reception kid who has some form of social interaction problems)

Mollyweasley · 08/01/2013 21:24

I agree timetables are brilliant and make a huge difference. Also worth considering are what he is wearing as dealing with sensory issues can really help in the morning. Our mornings have really improved since i bought seamless socks! I try not to worry about being late for school as i know i have a supportive school and that helps me keep calm if i feel the tension rising. Also if it helps if it all kick off,think of all of with asd kids ...one of us is bound to be having a bad morning too! Good luck tomorrow..

Original poster

newbrunette · 08/01/2013 21:40

Thanks everyone. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow. Thanks for understanding.

We've been taking a neighbour's ds into school over the last few months and I don't think my ds really enjoys this - think he prefers some quiet time on the way in, rather than having to socialise with (quite a boisterous) boy. To be honest, it's quite stressful for me too as neighbour's child has a tendency to scoot off and not listen to me when I tell him to stop and wait. So that's been an extra stress and probably not fair on ds. Neighbour saw the meltdown this morning so maybe this will be a good time for me to put an end to that arrangement for a while (she's been slightly taking advantage and I haven't wanted to say no).

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Sunnymeg · 08/01/2013 22:17

Do you warn him before a change in activity? When my lad was your son's age I used to warn him twice before he had to change activity, especially in the mornings. I would give him strict guidelines about getting dressed, getting ready etc, and this is going to sound barmy, but tell him that it is the law that he has to be at school at a certain time, and that you have to do things like eat your breakfast and leave the house when he is told to in the morning so that this will happen. Before he could tell the time I would tell him how long he had to complete an activity and I used a kitchen timer as a visual prompt for how long he had to do something before moving on to something else. You have to be tough about it and not allow any
leeway at all, and keep it up day after day, after a while it will get easier.Children with Aspergers want rules and guidelines about how to behave and actually will be happier if they know they are following the guidlines and behaving correctly. I would definitely stop taking someone else's child with you, that is just adding to the stress.

HansieMom · 08/01/2013 22:58

I used to tell DS1 that in five minutes it will be time to stop/do/change activity. That gave him a warning. I would not like to be told to STOP using my ipad NOW!

Hopeforever · 09/01/2013 12:03

How was this morning? Totally agree that your neighbours child will need to find another way to school, but it's hard to say no to friends!

We too have found the kitchen timer and visual timetable useful. Thankfully my DS liked a certain TV programme that ended just before it was time to put on coats and leave when he was at infants.

PolterGoose · 09/01/2013 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

newbrunette · 09/01/2013 22:42

Wow, thanks so much everyone. I think I was concentrating so much on his behaviour and my response to it, I'd almost stopped looking at how to prevent it. It's so helpful to have some concrete, tried and tested ideas.

This morning went like clockwork - quite literally at times - I set the kitchen timer to give him 5 mins to get dressed and he rose to the challenge. I gave him warnings, choices, the lot - and all went smoothly.

It helped that he'd had 11 hours sleep the night before, compared with 9 hours the previous night. Unfortunately, going to sleep has always been really hard for him - and he's now started waking really early some days too. And when he's sleep -deprived, the tiniest thing can set him off. Another challenge... (let me know if you have any tips for that one)

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