Routines and asd break or keep?

[Crawling]

Dd needs routines to do things but she is so dependany on them that she has a two hour routine for some things and sometimes gets upset because I have forgot or done the slightest thing (like had a pee). but if I don't stick to them she gets very stressed and anxious so should I stick to them to avoid distressing her or should I regularly break them to try and get her less dependant on them?

Please help I really don't know which I should do for the best .

to be honest we do something in the middle as we know by allowing ds2 to become to entrenched in routine makes family life so difficult.

He is actually better able to cope with a complete change than small changes sometimes. So instead of dinner being served at the same seat, at the same time on the same plate.
We sometimes allow fish & chips out of the wrapper on the floor in the front room. Or a picnic on the floor at lunch This he can cope with... BUT remove a seat, or serve dinner in the wrong bowl... well its the end of the world.

Then when he is getting upset or anxious about small changes that maybe outside of our control (as there always will be) we have fun examples of doing things differently to remind him of.
DS2 is 10 now & we have only been able to use this technique recentlyas his understanding has developed.

When he was younger we did make a concious effort to make small changes & not let him dictate routine, especially when out.
Things like bedtime routine & morning routine we allowed him to keep to reduce stress.
We also used visual timetables for these times to stop him building in extra steps as he also has OCD so is very good at slipping little rituals in to a routine.

Dd3 needs routines and we also use visual timetables to try to help us get the impotant things done.

Her reliance on routines can become a problem for us during certain times for example on holiday. Within a day or so of being away she starts to set up routines like "We had an ice cream at this time yesterday, so therefore we have to have one today!" or "We walked along the beach in this direction yesterday, so we have to do it again today" It is much worse if we go to thr same place on holiday more than once.

The SALT suggested that we change a small thing at a time so that she still has some control over her routine but not total world domination.

Like the others, I aim for somewhere that allows DS to have the security of routine without the rest of us being hidebound.
I find helpful to have visual schedules for the routine bits.
And social stories and lots of rehearsals for the non-routine bits. I went alone on a long haul flight with my 3 and spent ages beforehand discussing and telling stories about it. No meltdowns for the entire holiday, until we turned onto our cul-de-sac to come back home.
Food (which DS has big issues with). I have told him that my aim this year is that he will be happy to eat 2 additional types of veg and chicken pie.
He was happy with that. He knows I will go at his pace but that he must try new things for me.
Hope that helps.

So break the little ones but keep important ones like bedtime. Can I ask what visual aids do you use? I'm not sure if they would be good for dd or not as she is 3 and mostly non verbal so I'm not sure if she would understand yet but it definetly worth trying.

You can use photos quite successfully with LO's or we are being told atm to use objects of reference with a LO who is nv at work.

I like photos but she does seem to get objects of referrence more quickly.

With photos though you can explain where you are going and stuff so if you are going to Granny's, get a photo of granny or her house and the same with shopping, nursery etc.

You cant really use objects of reference for everything, or maybe I am just not creative enough.

Good luck

Exactly as Ineed says....use what ever is available.

My DS is verbal. But his expressive miles better than receptive...so for him, seeing what is being said is as effective as hearing and both together are best.
TBH sometimes I use 'stick-man' drawings. As long as it gets the message across.

I also find behaviour wise, he understands visuals better than a ticking off.